Aletheia
by christinaking
Summary: "On love, on grief, on every human thing, Time sprinkles Lethe's water with his wing." - Walter Savage Landor - This is a sequel to Tangled Up in Blue. Established Demily.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: OK, I'm back. My life is really intense right now, but writing is relaxing for me, so I'm going to go ahead and do this. I'll warn you that it won't be at the fast pace you're used to from me because I'm stretched really thin. I'm going at this one blind - I have a general idea of what's going to happen, but I'm not outlining. I've found when I'm writing, Emily and Derek kind of do what they want regardless of my outlines, so it's pointless. ;-) _ I get some pleasure from getting these two up a river without a paddle and helping them find their way out again. _  
><em>

_This is a sequel to Tangled Up in Blue (not part of my Labyrinthine story-arc - I'll get back to them sometime!). Reading Tangled Up in Blue might be helpful, but it's not necessary.  
><em>

_Lethe: In Greek mythology, one of the five rivers of Hades that caused its drinkers to forget their past.  
>Aletheia: The Greek personification of truth, which translates to un-forgetfulness. <em>

_Here we go..._

* * *

><p>Emily continued to stretch as the fall leaves crunched under her feet. She looked at her watch. They needed to push it if they were going to be on time for work. Emily had a meeting scheduled that morning with a consulting Arabic linguist to go over some transcripts that the FBI had received and were concerned were part of a potential future terror threat. And Derek reported like clockwork at 8:00 to the FBI Academy to oversee the tactical training for new recruits.<p>

"Maybe she's not going to show today," Emily said while looking at Derek. "They were just getting on the jet in Oregon when I talked to Garcia around five o'clock yesterday evening."

"Should we start without her?" Derek asked.

Emily laughed at the almost hopeful expression on his face, and knew why it was there. "Let's give her five more minutes."

Around them, new recruits, sprinkled with a few seasoned agents like themselves, were starting the training course at the Academy. The recruits nodded respectfully at Morgan as they passed him, almost fearful.

"Still going the tough love route, I see," said Emily with a smirk.

Derek chuckled quietly, "Maybe a little. But they're learning. No one is going to graduate under my watch and not know how to perform in a tactical situation."

Emily smiled at him. He really did love his job. In the nine months since Emily had been back at the FBI and living with Derek, they'd both adapted happily to the calmer pace of their lives. Emily hadn't spent so much time at home in her adult life, and the fact that she was spending that time with Derek made her life pretty damn fantastic. She still sometimes found it unbelievable when she'd wake up in the morning and he was right there next to her in bed; though the incidences were less frequent now, she did still occasionally awake and have to remind herself this was her real life. And on those mornings, they usually didn't make it to Quantico in time to run the training course, partaking in a different type of exercise instead.

Love and passion played starring roles in their lives and only seemed to intensify over time. They both felt like they'd nearly missed out on a wonderful life together, and rather than their feelings settling over the months, they appreciated what they had more, each and every day.

They'd both been a little concerned that their new jobs would not afford them the intensity in their careers that they'd come accustomed to. But Hotch had pulled them each in on a case one time, Emily helping them on a case in New Mexico where a behavioral analyst who spoke Spanish was an asset, and Derek joining them on a case in Los Angeles last month, where his muscles were necessary. They both saw some action in other units for cases on occasion as well. Those moments had provided just enough to keep their current jobs from feeling too stagnant.

Emily looked at her watch again and said, "We should get started. I don't think she's coming."

Derek smiled at that and Emily laughed lightly again. They set off on the course at a fast pace for five minutes. They'd just finished climbing the first wall and were getting back into the speed of their run when they heard a familiar laugh before a blonde streak shot past them.

"I even gave you a head start!" JJ shouted joyfully over her shoulder, laughing again.

"Damn it!" snarled Derek, and picked up his pace.

Emily only chuckled and shook her head. She could respectably hold her own on this course, but she couldn't come close to keeping pace with Derek and JJ when they were competing. She watched them take off with a smile on her face. She'd watched their competition from the back several times and it was always the same - Derek could out-muscle JJ in upper body strength, gaining on her when that was required, but in a flat out run JJ often left even the youngest, fastest recruits in the dust.

Emily caught up to them at the end of the course, a few minutes behind them. She inhaled deeply and caught her breath and heard JJ laugh again.

"Every time, Derek Morgan," JJ said with glee.

"Yeah, if you could not whip my ass on this course in front of the recruits I'm training, that would be great," Derek said with mirth and sarcasm in his voice.

"You want me to throw a race for you?" she whispered conspiratorially.

He laughed and shook his head, "No, I don't. At least you beat the recruits, too."

JJ grinned, and Emily laughed. Emily and Derek both enjoyed their friendship with JJ and the rest of the team, reveling in the fact that Derek leaving the BAU did not leave them feeling like they'd lost their family. They saw each other frequently, and JJ ran this course with them any morning she wasn't on a case. And she beat Derek every time, which he only pretended to piss him off. In reality, ego was not an area where Derek was easily wounded. He still cared about the members of the BAU and felt connected to them, much like Emily did. Running this course with JJ, or engaging in mock hand-to-hand combat with the other members of the team made him feel like he still had their backs in some way, even if he wasn't working in their unit any longer.

It was exactly what they'd hoped for when Derek decided he preferred them to settle in DC instead of London - staying connected to the people who meant the most to them.

"Come on, Emily. Let's head to headquarters and get showered up. Work calls," said JJ.

Emily looked at Derek, and they engaged in a conversation with their eyes. They were very hands-off at work, but could communicate their feelings very well without a touch.

"I'll pick you up around 3:00 and then we're out of here for your birthday weekend, Em," he said with a smile.

"And where is it we're going again?" she asked him one eyebrow raised.

Derek laughed as he turned away from them, calling over his shoulder, "Nice try. You're just going to have to wait and see."

As she and JJ walked away towards JJ's car, Emily asked, "Do you know where he's taking me?"

JJ shook her head, "Nope. He wouldn't tell me." JJ smiled, "I'm looking forward to Monday morning, though. I'll probably beat him by even more time on the course. I imagine he's going to be pretty worn out." She looked over and winked at Emily.

Emily shoved JJ's shoulder lightly and laughed. Emily was looking forward to the weekend, wherever it was and whatever they were doing.

"How's the caseload at the BAU? Are you going to get a weekend?" Emily asked.

JJ nodded, "Just paperwork to do today and hopefully no new cases and a weekend in front of us all. We need it."

"Good," said Emily. She'd often wondered why JJ had never transferred to a different unit with less travel since she had Will and Henry. But when they'd talked about it, JJ said she still felt like the BAU was who she was and she wasn't ready to give up that identity. Things were going pretty good with her and Will now that Henry was older, and she didn't really feel the pressure she once felt from Will about her job. Emily had nodded in understanding during that conversation, and she marveled at how JJ balanced it all. But JJ seemed content, so Emily let it go, just glad that her friend was happy.

* * *

><p>Derek picked Emily up at 3:00 on the dot and held her hand while he drove them to Dulles.<p>

"So we're flying somewhere?" she asked excitedly.

"Yep," he said with a grin. "To Vermont, to see some good fall foliage."

"You packed for me?" she asked.

"It's all taken care of, Em. Trust me," he said while kissing her hand.

It was dark by the time they got to the rustic lodge Derek had picked out, so the fall foliage would have to wait until the next morning. But the evening held its own beauty. Derek had planned every romantic detail, and it emotionally overwhelmed Emily. After an amazing dinner, they were sitting in the jacuzzi tub in their room, facing each other, surrounded by candles and sipping champagne and Emily welled up with tears.

Derek raised his eyebrows and moved towards her in the tub so he could place his hand on her cheek. "What, Emily?"

She shook her head and smiled, "I was such a mess on my last birthday. I just can't believe how much can change in a year, how I could go from where I was then, to how I feel now, which is pretty indescribable. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see you after work. I love you so much that when I think about it, I can physically feel it in my heart, like it can't contain all of that joy. I'm just sitting here looking at you and feeling very lucky and happier than I've ever been in my life."

* * *

><p>Mid-afternoon on Saturday, Derek and Emily set out into the Green Mountain National Forest, Derek wearing a backpack. It wasn't particularly cold. There was a slight crispness in the air, but it was actually unseasonably warm, and after awhile, she stripped off her sweater and settled for the t-shirt underneath. When Emily asked where they were going he admitted he didn't know for sure, but he'd know it when he saw the place. They hiked for about an hour and Derek came to a stop and pointed, "That looks like a good spot."<p>

Emily looked up the hill where he was pointing and saw the sun streaming through the trees, magnifying the bright orange and red of the leaves. There was a large rock jutting out the side of the hill and they made their way there. She watched Derek move a good layer of leaves onto the rock and then open the backpack and pull out a blanket, laying it over the leaves.

He sat down and patted the blanket. Emily smiled and sat next to him. From this vantage point, they could look down the hillside at a myriad of different colored leaves. It was a stunning sight.

"Thank you," whispered Emily, turning her head to look at him. "This is my best birthday ever. I love you."

Derek reached his hand out and placed it gently on her neck. "I love you, too, Emily," he said before pulling her towards him and kissing her.

The kiss deepened and Derek shifted his body, kneeling, turning her and nudging her back so that she laid on the blanket and he laid on top of her.

After a few minutes, he pulled back and pushed himself up on his arms so he could look at her face and when Emily looked up she could see him and the sun and all of the leaves shimmering above her. She wasn't sure where the words came from, but she smiled radiantly when they spilled from her lips: "Let's get married."

Derek raised his eyebrows at her and then laughed, "Damn. I almost proposed to you this weekend and then I thought I'd wait a few more months. That was supposed to be my line."

Emily laughed in return, "Well, Derek Morgan, you're just coming in second at every race lately, aren't you?"

"Ouch!" he said playfully, and rolled them over so she was on top of him. "Absolutely, Em. Let's get married."

She smiled and bent her head to kiss him again and his hands found their way up under shirt and onto the skin of her back. When she felt his fingers on the clasp of her bra, she pulled her head back. "We can't do this here."

"We hiked at least thirty minutes off the trail. There's no one around, Emily." he said hopefully.

She raised one eyebrow at him and stared for a few seconds, finally relenting at the look on his face. She sat up and stripped her t-shirt off, slightly shocked that she'd caved on this one; this wasn't something Emily would have ever considered doing out in the open like this until about thirty seconds ago.

"I want a huge engagement ring for this one, Derek," she said with a grin.

He laughed joyfully and pulled her back down to him. "Whatever you want," he said before his lips found hers again.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's note: OK, I lied. Once I start writing, it's hard for me to stop. But still, I warn you to not expect fast updates like this throughout the story! :) _

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><p><em>It's strange, <em>thought Derek, _to consider how absolute certainty can change a person's entire outlook on life.  
><em>

Since Emily had flown to Quantico on that day in December, nearly a year ago, they'd wrapped themselves in each others arms and never looked back. And both of them still were shocked into laughter about it frequently, because, like Emily had said to him so many months ago, it wasn't really funny, it was just an outlet for their emotions and joy, tinged with a bit of disbelief.

They'd laughed through the long lists of firsts together, leaving strangers not quite sure what to think about them: When they went grocery shopping together for the first time, they laughed. When they went to buy a new TV together, they laughed. When they went to the bank to set up a joint account for household expenses, they laughed.

There was really no end to it, so it wasn't surprising that they sat there in the jewelry store two weekends after Emily's birthday practically falling apart in uncontrollable, disbelieving laughter as they tried to pick out an engagement ring together, much to the bemusement and bewilderment of the jeweler. Emily had told Derek that he could surprise her, but he wanted to do this together.

He knew she really wouldn't want a huge engagement ring like she'd joked about that afternoon in Vermont, an afternoon that would forever be engrained in Derek's memory, how she moved on top of him as fall leaves flitted in the slight wind and settled around their bodies.

In the end, the ring she chose was both simple and intricate at the same time, a mixture of diamonds and sapphires, with some decorative etching on the side, from a local artist. It had to be special ordered and would take almost two months to arrive, but that was fine with both of them. They intended to tell Fran Morgan first, before telling anyone else, and Fran was coming out for Thanksgiving.

On Halloween, the team converged on Emily and Derek's brownstone since it was set up in a neighborhood in DC that went all out at Halloween. Penelope and Spencer had come a few days before to make sure they weren't left in the dust when it came to decorations. Though Jack Hotchner thought he was getting to be a bit too old for Halloween, Spencer had jumped up in his costume and said he was planning to go collect candy, too. Jack laughed and joined in the spirit of the holiday after that. Henry was a joy and impossibly excited and Derek loved watching Emily interact and play with the little boy.

Emily, apparently, gleaned something from that interaction as well, because the next night Derek came into the bedroom to find Emily in the middle of their bed with her laptop open. He crawled onto the bed and settled himself in a seated position behind her, placing his legs on either side of her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her neck before looking at the screen. _DC Open Adoption_ flashed in front of his eyes and he teared up.

"Really?" he asked breathlessly.

"I don't know," she whispered back. "Maybe?" And then a pause for several seconds. "Yes," she said.

Derek squeezed her again and laughed joyfully. They both settled on their stomachs on the bed, side by side with the laptop in front of them and started reading about the options and what they needed to do. They weren't opposed to getting an older child out of foster care, but they both longed for a baby, and Emily simply felt she was too old to go the pregnancy route. They decided open adoption was what they were interested in, affording whatever baby they got the opportunity to know his or her birth mother and possibly the birth father as well.

It was the one time they'd gone through a first together and didn't laugh in disbelief. They were teary reading the websites, and they held hands, but this felt very real and serious and they didn't resort to laughter. Instead, they attacked it like the thorough, efficient people they were, and registered with a highly-rated agency the next week, scheduling a home study for after the holidays, and started to put together their potential parent profile.

* * *

><p>Fran Morgan arrived a couple of days before Thanksgiving and soaked up their happiness. Though the engagement ring wasn't there yet, they told her that first night that they were planning to get married.<p>

Fran stood up, placed both of her hands on Derek's cheeks, and with tears in her eyes, she said, "With this one, I would have thrown you the most happy going away party of your life if you'd decided to go to London. I'm glad you're here and you're staying pretty close, but Emily's the one you make the big moves for, my son."

"I know, Mom," Derek said quietly. "Thank you."

Then Fran wrapped her arms around Emily and said, "Welcome to the family, Emily. This is one of the happiest days of my life."

* * *

><p>That Thanksgiving, Hotch was with Jessica and Haley's family and and JJ and Will had gone to JJ's mom's house. They snatched up Rossi, Reid and Penelope and had a lovely time together, Fran the joyous center of the many of the conversations. Her happiness that stemmed from Derek's happiness couldn't be tamed.<p>

She would touch Emily's cheek or wrap her in a hug at any opportunity, and though Emily wasn't used to this level of outward of affection from anyone besides Derek and maybe Penelope, she quickly learned to love it and return the affection. They both deeply loved the same man, just in different ways. Fran just wanted Derek to be happy and she couldn't help herself at her expressions of gratitude towards Emily that Emily was the woman who was making him so deliriously content with life.

At a certain point during Thanksgiving dinner, Fran asked if anyone liked to hit the malls early on Black Friday.

"Most stores open at midnight tonight," said Penelope.

"Not all of them. I won't shop tonight, but I'd be happy to go early in the morning," said Fran.

Penelope smiled at her, "I can be here at five o'clock in the morning to take you out. I'd love to! Emily, you coming?"

Emily, who could think of a billion things better than getting up at the ass crack of dawn to shop with the masses, smiled and said, "Of course! Let's go!"

Fran smiled happily at the prospect.

But early that morning, around 2:00am, first Emily's cell phone rang, and then Derek's a fraction of a second later. All hell had broken loose at a mall in Alexandria, Virginia, that now was in control of terrorists. Hotch had called Derek, and Emily's Section Chief had called her. "The Arabic chatter you decoded in October. You were right. We should have listened. We're setting up a command center in the parking lot of Landmark Mall in Alexandria. We need you here. Now!"


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's note: I'm going to stop being a liar about not updating quickly. :) Actually, my friend came and grabbed my kids for the night, so staying up until 3:30am to finish these next two chapters isn't so bad; I can sleep in in the morning. I'm kind of a junky when it comes to writing stories. It's difficult for me to stop...obviously! _

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><p>Derek and Emily dressed quickly after they disconnected their phones. Derek ran to the guest room to rouse Fran and tell her there was a case and they needed to leave. And then, with holsters, guns and badges in hand, they ran out of their home together, adrenaline pumping, and hopped into Derek's car.<p>

"You said back in October that you thought the threat was serious, but you couldn't place your finger on the oddness of it, that the leader didn't seem to be the real one behind the planning. What did you mean? Did they ever mention a mall or a date?" asked Derek.

"No, no mention of a mall or a date. But if Section Chief James called me, it means it's likely the same people. I only told him that chatter needed to be monitored further, but they grabbed onto the fact that I didn't find the leader to be sincere, and moved onto other emergent cases. I pressed them a bit, but that part isn't my call. I wasn't entirely comfortable with it, but I don't have a lot of say in those matters," said Emily numbly.

"So what do they want?" asked Derek.

"Just terror. They're a rogue cell at best. They want recognition. If they're in that mall, I'm willing to bet it's not all of them, and definitely not the real one in charge. This is a suicide mission and they know it. They're trying to gain some recognition for their group and have sent in lambs for the slaughter to make their case."

"Which means any innocent person can die and the terrorists in there will kill themselves without thinking twice if it comes to that," said Derek tensely.

"Yes," said Emily just as tensely.

Derek pressed down on the accelerator. "That could be anyone we know in there. That could have been you or my mom or Penelope or any number of other people."

Emily reached out to touch his shoulder, "I know. And those are the people we need to help get out of there."

* * *

><p>They arrived at the command center and someone handed them each a vest. They went into the mobile unit and looked at the screens where they had a visual on the terrorists. Rossi and Reid were there, and Penelope sat at the computers. Hotch and JJ came in a minute later. There were several other people there Emily and Derek both knew, and the bomb squad and SWAT team was assembled outside, along with the Hostage Negotiation team. It was a rag-tag group, with many people on vacation for the holiday.<p>

"Brief us," commanded Hotch.

"The Macy's opened at midnight; it's the only store open in the mall." said Rossi. "From what we can deduce from a security guard who was in the parking lot when this went down, people were lined up for a couple of hours outside the main entrances to get in. When the doors opened at midnight, people poured inside. Once the initial flood of people entered, a group of terrorists locked the doors and the rest quickly moved into position. The first 911 call came in at 12:30 from a woman on the outside, about a person with a gun standing behind the main entrance. After that the cell phone calls started coming in like crazy, and then they stopped. 911 reported shots being fired before the calls stopped. There are hundreds of people in there, the terrorists wired each exit with explosives, including the emergency exits upstairs. They're all wired from the inside, so there's nothing the bomb squad can do. The gate that opens into to the mall is locked and wired, too, but it's probably our best shot at getting in, the one where the bomb squad has the most access to disarm the wiring. The problem is that we can't do that without them seeing us."

"We've got a count of twelve terrorists, all armed and all wired, human bombs" said Reid. "They wanted us to see that. They know we're watching the security cameras now. They've got the shoppers seated and crowded around the main entrance. If we go in, the doors explode. If we attempt to get in another way, they'll light themselves up. The best we can figure, they were inside before the store opened, setting up the explosives in the upstairs emergency exits. They were organized and methodical to pull this off with so many people inside they needed to control. But now they just seem to be standing there, like they don't know what comes next."

Emily looked at the group of them on the monitor. Two terrorists held their guns on the hostages, and the remaining were gathered in a group a bit away from the doors in an open area of the walkway, where the side entrances and main entrance converged. "They did what they were supposed to do," said Emily. "They're waiting for the news crews. Look at them looking at their phones. As soon as the cameras arrive, it's only a matter of seconds before they kill themselves. The problem is we still don't know who is calling these shots, he's not in this group I can assure you, and this is just going to continue if we don't shut them down entirely. Hostage negotiation is a joke. We talk to them, and they kill themselves. Garcia, can you zoom in on the one who looks like he's in charge?"

Emily looked at the screen for a minute and watched a man whose lips were moving, and Emily started moving hers trying to figure out what he was saying. She turned to look at her Section Chief. "Sir," she said, "Hostage Negotiation isn't going to do us a damn bit of good. These people don't care about releasing hostages. This is a suicide mission. They're trying to send a message back home that they're a viable group, they could care less about what we think about them. You picked them up on voice recognition from the chatter back in October?"

Section Chief James nodded once. "Yes, right before the first 911 call came in, we picked them up on our monitors, talking to each other via cell phone."

Emily turned to point at the computer screen, at the man Garcia had zoomed in on, "You see this man here? He's the one who I told you about. I can tell. I'm watching his lips and he's asking his mother for forgiveness. He doesn't want to be there. If you want to find the real leader and put a stop to all of this, you need to get him out."

The leader of the SWAT team rolled out a map. "We can get in through the air ducts and take them all out with head shots through the vents but that one," he said. "We should be able to be almost silent and get in position with the way it's constructed between the first and second floors. There's Christmas music being played in the store. It should cover any noise we make."

"We're reasonably sure there aren't any more terrorists hiding in the store. We've been watching these cameras for awhile and there's been absolutely no movement. If you can take them out quickly, it might work," said Rossi.

"But once they start firing, the man we want blows himself up, likely taking some hostages with him," said Hotch.

Emily caught Derek's gaze for a second and he knew where she was going to say before she spoke aloud, "I need to talk to him," she said.

"No, you don't," said Derek through his teeth.

She reached out and touched his shoulder, "Yes, I do. We're FBI agents and this is what we do, and on this one, I'm needed."

The gaze of her loving BAU family was on her with incredulous, frightened looks. Her Section Chief nodded at the SWAT commander, who turned to Emily.

"It's going to be a short window if we take the others out quickly. One shooter for each terrorist, except that one, and then you go in through the ceiling on a harness to talk. If he reaches for the switch on his bomb or raises his gun, we take him out. Are you up for that?"

"Yes," she said, still looking at Derek, who closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Once SWAT takes them out, the bomb squad starts on the gated entrance to the mall," said Hotch. "We need to get in as quickly as possible. Understood?"

Hotch didn't like this any better than Derek did. But on a fundamental level, it was the right plan. They needed information so this could end, not continue a a few months later with a different group of terrorists.

* * *

><p>Emily stood at the base of the ladder that lead to the mall's roof, waiting for the SWAT team to get up there and in the air ducts first. Derek stood next to her.<p>

"I did things like this all of the time at Interpol, Derek," she said quietly. "I'm going to be just fine. I'm going to come out of this, and we're going to get married and our life is going to be amazing."

Derek blinked back tears and nodded, "I love you, Emily."

She smiled at him and squeezed his hand before putting one foot on the ladder, "I love you, too. With my whole heart. Don't you forget that."

She climbed up and followed the SWAT team to the roof, where they put her in a harness and sent her in through one of the openings. There was a SWAT member for each terrorist, plus two for Emily; one to cover her and one to hold her harness. They moved quickly through the air ducts and Emily realized she wasn't even that nervous; this felt comfortable, a part of herself she knew well. And if they could take out the eleven terrorists, she felt reasonably certain she could get that one man to listen to her.

They removed the screws on one vent and got Emily in position with her harness on. The SWAT team opened up a quick round of fire through the vents, taking out the terrorists, the vent cover was removed and Emily was being lowered before the hostages and the man she wanted to talk to could comprehend what had happened.

_"Wait, wait," she called to him in Arabic. "I want to help you." _

Then she addressed the hostages loudly, "Nobody move. We're going to get you out of here but you need to stay where you are and stay calm."

The man looked up at her being lowered to the ground, with large, frightened eyes, but he didn't say anything. He didn't raise his gun. He opened his jacket and Emily could see he was wired to explode just as her feet hit the ground. Emily gave him a kind look.

_"Don't do this," she said to him, again in a language they didn't understand on the monitors, but was being interpreted. "You still have a chance for your mother to be proud of you." _

The man stared at her and dropped his gun and lowered both hands, tears forming in his eyes. Emily had a brief moment of satisfaction. She'd read him correctly.

At that moment, one of the hostages, a young woman in a complete panic, made a break for the side exit nearest her. Emily shouted, "NO! Freeze!" But it was too late. An explosion shook the store as the hostage opened the door, and Emily was in a direct, unprotected path of it.

The team and Derek watched in horror on the monitor as Emily flew back in the air, still attached to the harness. The man above her holding the harness clearly tried to help soften her landing and she didn't hit the ground hard, but a second before they heard the all clear from the bomb squad about the gate in the mall, Derek saw it clearly on the monitor as Emily was lowered to the ground: Something sharp and solid clearly protruding from her forehead.

He took off in a sprint out of the command center and into the mall, JJ right beside him.

Emily was laying on the ground and the first thing he noticed was her chest rising and falling. Her eyes were wide open but barely blinking, and there was a piece of shrapnel buried in her forehead, who knew how deep. It looked like a metal piece of the door, maybe. She couldn't talk, she couldn't squeeze his hand, she couldn't respond at all, but her eyes tracked sound or movement, he didn't know which. There wasn't too much blood, but there was something buried in her head.

Derek glanced up, looking at the medics rushing towards them, and noticed the terrorist they'd wanted to apprehend laying not too far away, screaming, being contained.

He looked back at Emily with tears in his eyes, too shocked to speak. JJ kept trying to talk to Emily, who couldn't answer. The fact that her eyes were open was both comforting and the most terrifying part of all. Comforting because she was clearly still alive. Terrifying because she didn't seem to be looking at anything at all; it was just fear and confusion in her eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

Emily's eyes closed right when she was placed on the gurney in Macy's and they didn't opened again. They let Derek on the medivac helicopter with her. Everything felt like it was part of a nightmare. He knew they were headed to Bethesda. He sat back in shock and didn't get in the way when Emily's heart stopped in transit and they ripped her shirt open to put the paddles on her and get it beating again. And still that piece of metal protruded from her forehead. He stayed seated in the helicopter when they removed her, knowing that he just wanted her with a surgeon as quickly as possible. He followed them out and through the doors on the room of the hospital. Emily was wheeled one direction and he was pointed to a small waiting area.

A nurse brought him some water. He just watched the clock on the wall, watching the second hand go round and round. The team, minus Penelope, arrived about thirty minutes later. Penelope showed up about thirty minutes after that, with Fran. And Fran sat down next to Derek and took his hand, and finally Derek cried. He sobbed in his mothers arms for what felt like forever, until he was exhausted and had no tears left. When he looked up, he noticed there wasn't a dry eye in that waiting room.

At two hours in, they got an update. Emily was still in surgery. The shrapnel had pierced her frontal lobe. It had been removed and she was still holding on. The brain surgeon was now working on removing some of the skull fragments. The nurse couldn't tell them for certain when she'd be out of surgery.

Derek kept watching the clock. It was four hours and twenty-three minutes from the moment he entered that waiting room to when the doctor came in and introduced himself as Dr. Quon. "Emily made it through the surgery," he said. "She's in a coma right now, but I'm hopeful she's going to wake up. All signs point to that. The piece of shrapnel narrowed quite a bit but it was fairly long and it pierced deeply. She was very lucky; we're talking fractions of length and distance on either side making the different here. There was significant damage to the frontal lobe, but she pulled through and that's the first step. She's still in critical condition. We're moving her to the ICU."

Derek was relieved and scared to death at the same time. He couldn't find the words he needed. Finally Hotch spoke up, "What does significant frontal lobe damage mean?"

The surgeon gazed around the room, "It means different things for different people. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can give you as an absolute scenario, since every brain injury is unique, and making it through a surgery like that is rare. Less than ten percent survive something like this, and the results when those patients wake up can vary widely. There's going to be rehab needed. Her speech will likely be impaired, likely motor functions as well. Both long-term and short-term memory can be impacted. We're not going to know for certain the extent of the damage until she wakes up."

"Can I see her?" Derek's voice cracked out.

"Yes," said Dr. Quon. "I'll take you up."

Still numb, Derek didn't even spare a glance for the team or his mom. He just followed the doctor, shoulders slumped, barely feeling his legs under him. He didn't remember the ride up in the elevator. He didn't remember if Dr. Quon spoke to him or not. He remembered seeing her through the glass doors of the ICU, a heavily bandaged head, and a breathing tube down her throat. When the doors opened, he heard the heart monitor lightly beeping. Dr. Quon pulled a chair next to the bed and Derek sat in it, taking her hand in his. He laid his head on the edge of the bed, and cried again.

At some point, he must have fallen asleep. He awoke several hours later and glanced up to see that Emily hadn't moved at all. A gentle hand touched his back.

"Why don't you get up and stretch, Derek," said his mothers soft voice. "I can stay with Emily."

Derek turned to look at her, "Where's everybody else?"

"JJ and Aaron are still in the waiting room. The others went home to get some sleep, but I'm sure they'll be back soon. It's a little after noon."

"On Friday?" he asked, unsure.

Fran nodded and Derek teared up again. It had only been fourteen hours since their Thanksgiving evening had come to a close and Reid, Rossi and Garcia had left their house. It felt like it was another lifetime.

Derek stood from the chair and pressed a feather light kiss on Emily's cheek, releasing her hand. He needed to go to the bathroom, and he needed some water.

Fran gently touched his cheek, "She's going to pull through this, Derek."

He nodded and watched his mom take his place in the chair, placing Emily's hand in her own.

Derek went to the door of the room and watched it slide open automatically. He still felt like his wasn't aware of his own body at all; it all felt foreign. He rounded the corner to the waiting room and JJ immediately stood and wrapped him in a hug. Hotch put his hand on Derek's shoulder. No one said anything. There really weren't words that could encompass this situation at all. He wasn't sure if he returned JJ's hug, maybe he did. He was comforted by it, he remembered that, but he moved away from her and made his way to the water dispenser, pouring himself a cup, which he gulped down. He felt dehydrated, probably from all of the crying.

He exited the waiting area to find a bathroom and saw Section Chief James making his way down the hall.

"Morgan..." he said.

Derek ignored him. He didn't know him and Emily well and he didn't want the man around right now.

"Just so you know," James called out quietly, "the terrorist survived. He kept asking if the lady with the nice eyes was okay. He started talking. We sent in a group and arrested the real leader of their cell, along with about twenty other people. I know it's no consolation, but she saved probably thousands of lives. We only lost the one hostage."

Derek turned his head as he was entering the bathroom to glare at the man.

* * *

><p>JJ took Fran home so she could get some rest, and Derek resumed his position next to Emily on the bed. He started talking to her, going through every memory he had of her from the very first day he met her, but she was non-responsive. Doctors and nurses came in to check on her. Reid, Rossi and Garcia all stopped by to check on her, and check in with him. Hotch returned with Derek's ready bag and said there were facilities here if he wanted to shower and change. He also told Derek he should eat.<p>

Something about his voice resonated with Derek and he listened. Hotch sat in the chair and took hold of Emily's hand while Derek went to shower and change and get some food. And while it didn't make him feel better, it did make him feel a little more human again.

JJ came back with Fran later that night and they all sat in the room together. JJ took hold of Emily's other hand and started telling Emily her own stories and memories and she and Derek just stared at each other and cried while she talked.

It was 4:00 on Saturday morning when Derek felt Emily's hand move. Fran was asleep in the waiting room and JJ was in the corner of the ICU in a chair, also dozing. Derek was asleep with his head on Emily's bed again, but he woke instantly at the movement.

"JJ, get the doctor," he whispered. And JJ was instantly awake as well and out the door. Derek watched Emily's eyes move under her eyelids, and then she blinked them open, searching the room before finding his face. He couldn't read anything in her expression except confusion. But her beautiful eyes were open. That's all he could think about. "Emily," he sighed.

A doctor and nurse entered the room with JJ and walked up to Emily. "Emily?" the doctor asked.

Her eyes found his and he said he was going to get the breathing tube out. Emily gave a slight nod at that, and Derek was overjoyed. She understood the doctor. Once she'd gagged through the process of the breathing tube removal, she looked around the room again, taking note of JJ, before her eyes settled on Derek's.

It was one word. Powerful in that she was able to utter it this soon, and devastating at the same time. She looked at him and slurred out the word, "Who?"

Like she didn't even know him.

"Emily, it's me. Derek. Derek Morgan," he said quietly, while his heart thumped in fear.

The name registered some recognition, and her lips stuck on the first letter like she couldn't figure out how to move them, but she slowly slurred out, "BAU?"

Derek was hopelessly confused. "Yes, we used to work for the BAU. That's where we met," he said quietly.

Emily's eyes filled with tears and her heart rate picked up on the monitor. The doctor stepped in and offered Derek a sympathetic look while holding a cup of water and straw to Emily so she could take a sip, which she did.

The doctor said, "Emily, you were in an accident that required brain surgery. I'm sure things feel very confusing right now, but the fact that you're able to talk at all this soon is such a positive sign. Are you understanding me?"

Emily gave another short nod.

"Good. Let's start with some basics if you feel up for it. What color is my shirt?"

"B..b..b..lue." she got out.

"Good. And do you see that clock over there? Can you tell me what time it is? Just the closest hour."

"Fuuur," she breathed out.

"Excellent! And do you know what year it is?"

This was too much for her. She kept stuttering on the T.

"Two thousand?" asked the doctor.

Emily nodded and managed the word, "six."

And Derek felt like he was going to fall to the ground and never get up.

The doctor asked Emily to move her toes, which she could do. He asked her to move her fingers and arms, which she could do on the left side of her body, but struggled to do on the right side. She couldn't seem to make her fingers move the way she wanted them to, which frustrated her.

The doctor explained that she was doing exceptionally well, shockingly well, actually, and to not get frustrated. It would take time.

* * *

><p>They left a nurse in the room with Emily and stepped out in the hallway with the doctor.<p>

"What is going on?" asked Derek desperately.

"I'm not sure," said the doctor. "I've seen long-term memory loss after an injury like this, but not this significant. I'm going to call Dr. Quon in right now."

"The people who suffered long-term memory loss, did the memories come back?" asked JJ.

"Mostly, over time."

Derek shut the conversation out. Inside that hospital room was a woman he loved with every fiber of his being. They were going to get married. Just five days ago they were picking out pictures to put in their parent file for an adoption agency. They had a home and a wonderful life together.

And she remembered none of it.


	5. Chapter 5

Emily was frustrated, confused and scared. Her mind was working okay, but she couldn't make the words come out of her mouth; she struggled with just basic, single words, even though she wanted to talk and ask a multitude of questions. She knew she was on pain medication, and she was hoping when she no longer needed that there would be some rapid improvement to her speech, despite what the doctor had told her about needing speech therapy and physical therapy. He assured her she was doing astonishingly well.

When Dr. Quon allowed her to try and eat something on Sunday morning, she couldn't do it with her right hand. She couldn't make her fingers hold the spoon, and when Derek Morgan tried to help her and put the spoon in her hand, she couldn't scoop up the broth. And when Derek Morgan gently did that for her, she couldn't get her hand to her mouth. With tears in her eyes, she switched to her left hand.

Derek had explained to her what happened, so she knew how she'd sustained her injury, but she didn't know how she'd gotten to that mall, how she knew all of these people who kept showing up in her hospital room, and she certainly couldn't make sense of the way Derek Morgan looked at her. Like she was the air he lived and breathed.

Dr. Quon had gently told her that it was actually 2015, which made her heartbeat race on monitor. He explained temporally graded retrograde amnesia. He had told her that with the level of damage the she sustained, this wasn't that surprising, but it was interesting that she'd dialed it back to a specific time. He asked her if she could remember everything before 2006, and she'd slurred out a "yes." Dr. Quon asked her if there was anything significant about that year, anything traumatic, any reason that that year would be the stopping point for her memories. And while she'd stared at him for several seconds, and she couldn't articulate an explanation, she was honest and slurred out another "yes." Emily could tell that Dr. Quon was interested in her case from a scientific standpoint, and if she could have, she would have given him the tongue lashing of his life; she wasn't going to be anyone's lab rat.

She managed to string her first two words together. "Howlung."

"How long before your memory comes back? I can't say for certain, Emily. I'm sorry. Your hippocampus was damaged by the shrapnel, but what we know of the brain suggests that that part only is the processing center for long-term memories, that they get stored in other areas of the brain. Those areas of your brain weren't damaged, but it's going to take awhile for everything to start firing away in there again and find those memories. It could happen all at once, or memories may come back in bits and pieces. It could happen quickly, or it could take up to a couple of years."

Emily's eyes filled with tears and she looked at Derek, who was also crying, though he was trying very hard not to. Though he hadn't said anything about it yet, Emily understood that her relationship with Derek Morgan was not that of fellow agents, but something much deeper. This surprised and shocked her because she had sworn in 2006 that she was never going to allow herself to get close to anyone ever again; it hurt to much when you lost them. She was going to keep everyone at arm's length, at least internally, even if she could fake a good front. She would enjoy her life, but she wouldn't let anyone near her heart. Emily clearly remembered giving herself that speech.

The only memory she had of Derek Morgan, along with the other members of the BAU that visited her hospital room, was reading about him in a file Clyde Easter had sent her before she started at the BAU. A Jason Gideon was no longer there, at least she hadn't met him yet. A David Rossi was, and she knew his name from books he'd written. And her relationship with the whole group of them shocked her again; she'd obviously let them care about her. She could tell just by their looks and the tears they weren't always successful at holding back, especially JJ and Penlope Garcia. Which meant she probably let herself care about them, too.

_In the fall of 2006, when Emily had mostly gotten over the severe depression and started coming to terms with the fact that there was no way she could be a significant part of Declan's life and keep him safe, she'd called Clyde and said she was ready to get back into the game. _

_"Back at Interpol?" he asked. _

_"No, I'm not leaving Washington. I still want to be close to him, to know he's safe." Emily replied. _

_"Emily, I know you're not going to like me saying this, but you were never properly integrated back into your real life after being undercover with Doyle for so long. We should have never left you in there that long. And what you had to do in order to get the profile we needed must have been traumatizing on many levels. You completely bypassed the therapy typically given after an assignment like this. You took off to the states and hid the boy and you didn't come back. I'm not sure you're ready for field work, here or anywhere else." _

_"I'm fine," she responded firmly, and though her heart was beating frantically in fear and disgust just at the mention of Doyle's name, she covered it up. She gave Clyde a little bit of honesty, "I'm sad about Declan. I did come to care for him, and it's hard to walk away, but it's what's best for him if I want to keep him safe. Other than that, I'm really fine. Bored. I really want to get back out there. Help me. You owe me that." _

_The reality was that she didn't just simply care about Declan. She cried every day when she thought about him, and about her not being part of his life. And she knew she couldn't continue like that. She needed to move on, and in order to do that, she needed to be busy. _

_"OK, Emily. OK," Clyde replied. "Let me see what's out there and how I can get you moved into the FBI with a good cover story about what you've been up to. It's going to take awhile. I'll be in touch." _

_A few weeks later, Clyde had called her and said to report to the BAU at Quantico on Monday to meet an Aaron Hotchner. That he may not be pleased at first, but she would undoubtedly be assigned to the BAU. He told her she was going to have to play it meek at first, that they couldn't know just how lethal she really was or her cover would be blown. Then he sent her an email that detailed her cover story, and described everyone at the BAU that she would be working with. And the more she read, the more excited she became about meeting these seemingly fascinating people. It was going to be a fresh start for her. She would put her walls up and wouldn't let them in, but she'd be busy, which she desperately needed. Hopefully she'd be busy enough to keep her thoughts off Declan. Maybe she'd be so busy and tired, she wouldn't have the energy for her nightmares. One could hope.  
><em>

Back in the hospital room, after Dr. Quon said that she'd start speech and physical therapy the next day and left, Emily looked at Derek. She had no idea what he knew about her past, but she needed to know if he had any information. Nine years of her life were gone, and she had no clue what had happened during that time. Derek obviously loved her, and though she couldn't extend those feelings back to him, she realized that she trusted him. He hadn't left her side since she'd woken up.

She couldn't get the "D" sound to form in her mouth. "Oyle?" she asked, her heart rate picking up again.

"Ian Doyle?" asked Derek.

She sighed in relief. He knew at least. She nodded her head and bit back fear.

Derek took her hand gently and said, "Ian Doyle's dead, Emily. Dr. Quon told us not to give you too much information at first so you didn't get overwhelmed, but I can assure you he's dead. He can't hurt you."

Tears welled in her eyes and she asked the next question. "Ecln?"

Derek squeezed her hand slightly, understanding her. "Declan is good, Emily. He's safe. He's in high school now, at the same boarding school you enrolled him in when he was six. He still lives with your friend, Tom Kohler, when Tom isn't away for work. You don't see Declan often, but he's safe. You protected him."

Emily let the tears fall in relief and sadness and such an all-encompassing confusion and desperation. She wished she could make the words come out of her mouth and she banged her left fist on the bed in frustration. She wanted to know more. She wanted to know everything. She wanted to remember. But she could also feel herself exhausted and overwhelmed.

Derek sat on the edge of her bed and tentatively reached out a hand to her face, and Emily thought she'd never felt and more gentle and loving touch. He brushed the tears from her cheeks before pulling his hand away again. "I will tell you everything, Emily, when you're stronger, a bit at a time. I know you don't know me, but I know you, and I can answer any question you have. Right now, though, you should rest, Em."

She glanced at him, at his use of the shortened version of her name. She nodded her head and closed her eyes. Derek sat there a long time, and he probably thought she was asleep, but just before she drifted off, she heard him whisper, "I love you."


	6. Chapter 6

Derek waited until he was sure Emily was completely asleep before standing and releasing her hand. He exhaled a deep breath and went to the waiting room, where he found Hotch, Reid, JJ and his mom. He asked his mom to go sit with Emily for a bit, and then he sank into one of the waiting room chairs.

"It seems like she remembers everything right up to joining the BAU," he said to his friends, "Though there's no medical explanation for it, I think maybe I know why."

He took out his phone and dialed Garcia, who picked up before the first ring finished. "I need Clyde Easter's phone number, Penelope," he said wearily, noticing JJ raise her eyebrows at him.

Garcia didn't ask questions. Though she knew the most recent history regarding Clyde and Emily because Emily had told her, she didn't press Derek for any information. She simply said in a tired, tear-filled voice, "Coming your way in a minute, Derek."

When the text came through with the phone number, Derek immediately dialed, giving no regard to the fact that it was nearly 1:00am in London. Hotch and Reid looked on with confused eyes. JJ was less confused, also knowing the background, but concerned. Derek, realizing he might need the help of his friends and brilliant profilers to work through this one, turned the phone on speaker.

"This is Easter," came a voice after two rings.

"This is Derek Morgan," said Derek, tears pooling in his eyes. "Emily's been hurt. She suffered a brain injury. She's stable, but not well. Her memories before joining the BAU are gone right now. I need some information."

There were several seconds of silence before Derek heard Easter inhale and say thickly, "Whatever you need."

"What was she like before joining us? Where was she in her head?"

Again, Clyde hesitated. "She didn't deal with it. She should have seen a therapist. She should have been integrated out of her life with Doyle and back into the real world with help, but instead, she disappeared. She took off with Declan and she never came back. She didn't contact me for a long time, over a year. And then, when she did, she said she was ready to get back to work. I _told_ her she needed help, but she said she was fine. She said I owed her what she was asking for, and I did. I created a background for her. I got her into the BAU."

Derek clenched his teeth, "And you never forced her to get help before doing that?"

"Have you ever tried to force Emily to do anything? I kept tabs on her, checked in occasionally. She seemed to be doing well. She seemed happy for quite a few years. I thought she was dealing with it in her own way. But, Morgan, I don't think she ever got over Declan."

Derek wiped his eyes, "She didn't. I don't think I fully realized that until just a few minutes ago."

"You've rarely seen the Emily I know. She was stone cold and wouldn't let anyone in the entire time she was with Interpol. She had friendships, but they were surface level, no one she couldn't get over quickly. It made her a lethal member of my team who I trusted and respected. She never blinked. Declan was never part of our original surveillance of Doyle. We didn't know about him until Emily was inside, and by then it was too late. She fell in love with that little boy, and it wasn't something she ever expected. I don't even think she thought it was something she was capable of."

"And now she's stuck in the past, trying to deal with something she just covered up by joining the BAU and trying to forget," interjected Hotch.

_Kind of,_ thought Derek._ M__aybe, possibly, the fact that she started considering the idea of them adopting and then this injury happened in such quick succession, she was transported back to a time when she loved a child she couldn't have and she couldn't get over._

Clyde didn't ask about the change in voice on the phone, whether he recognized Hotch's voice or he just didn't care. Instead, he asked, "Should I come there to see her?"

Derek clenched his teeth and held back his pride and a tinge of jealousy and thought about what Emily needed. She needed a familiar face and the choices were limited. "Yes," he finally responded, "but understand that she's not able to speak well or much right now."

"I'm on my way as soon as I can. And Morgan? If she doesn't remember anything since before joining the BAU, she doesn't remember coming back to London, either. She's going to just think I'm the same smarmy asshole she worked for back in 2002. I won't let her think differently."

Derek cleared his throat and thought maybe Clyde Easter wasn't as bad as he'd painted him in his mind. "Let me know when you land," he said before disconnecting the call.

* * *

><p>Clyde called him at 8:00 the next morning and said he'd landed. Derek told him that Emily had speech therapy at 9:00, and would probably need to rest after, but to come by the hospital around 11:00.<p>

And then, with butterflies in his stomach about what was to come, and with a heavy heart, Derek watched Emily get through breakfast with her left hand while blinking back tears. When she was too tired to continue, he fed her the remainder of her food. He said over and over, "It's going to get better, Emily."

When she was through with her breakfast, both of them with tears in their eyes, he told her Clyde was coming to visit her later in the morning. She looked happy at first, and then made a face. She had a searching look on her face and Derek took a guess about what he saw there. She wanted to see someone she recognized, but Clyde would not have been her first choice.

Derek placed a hand on her shoulder and said softly, "He's all that's left of your Interpol team, Emily. Doyle broke out of prison and went on a rampage in the early part of 2011. It's just you and Clyde Easter now."

Emily inhaled, taking in that bit of information, fresh tears in her eyes. "How me?" she breathed out.

Derek moved his hand and placed it gently on her abdomen, over her scar, keeping it simple. "He tried to kill you. He stabbed you here. You lived, but most of us didn't know that. JJ and Hotch covered it up. The rest of us thought you were dead. You went underground for seven months to stay safe. Then Doyle resurfaced looking for Declan, and you came back. We saved Declan and Doyle was killed."

Emily raised her eyebrows. "You?"

Derek nodded his head and acknowledged his feelings out loud for the first time. "You meant everything to me before Doyle escaped. I didn't know about Doyle before that. After I thought you were dead, all I could think about was tracking Doyle down and killing him. I found Declan, with Garcia's help. And then we all helped bring Doyle down. We all love you, Emily."

She willingly moved her left hand and instigated contact with him, placing it over his hand on her abdomen. Then she shook her head and cried. He didn't know what she was thinking then, but she didn't moved her hand.

The speech therapist came in right at 9:00, and Derek moved away from the bed. He spent an agonizing thirty minutes watching Emily struggle through letter pronouncement. She struggled with Ds and Ts the most - the consonants that required her to make a hard sound with her tongue on the roof of her mouth. And Derek thought, _It's going to be a long time before she can say my name._

* * *

><p>JJ was in the room with Emily while Derek sat in the waiting area looking for Easter. He arrived right at 11:00 and came up to Derek. Derek stood, but instead of shaking Derek's hand, Easter wrapped him in a quick one-armed hug before asking, "Where is she?"<p>

Derek, slightly stunned, led him to Emily's room and stood back and watched as Easter entered. He went to the opposite side of the bed from JJ and took Emily's hand in his, looking at her face while she stared at him. He was the blunt and brisk person Emily described him as.

He smirked at her, "Well, you've looked better."

And Emily, for the first time since the accident, smiled a little.

Clyde settled himself on the edge of Emily's bed and said, "I told you, Emily Prentiss, that you needed to deal with Doyle and Declan. You didn't listen, and now look where you are. A big old scar on your head and stuck in a past that you should have let go of by now. Next time maybe you'll listen to me."

Emily's eyes filled with tears and she nodded her head.

"You need to work through this. I think if you do, you'll start remembering," said Clyde softly.

Emily's eyebrows shot up and her lips moved trying to form the words, "Canb alk."

"You can't talk? Well, that should make the therapist's job a thousand times easier because goodness knows when you start talking, you often don't shut up," said Clyde with a smile. Then he reached forward with his spare hand and patted her shoulder, "You can figure it out. You've got a great group of people here who care about you and will help you find a way. And Derek, he'll move mountains to help you. That I know."

Emily's eyes turned to where Derek stood in the room and then back at Clyde. And Derek realized for the first time what a struggle this was for Clyde Easter.

"I don't want to stay too long and make you tired," Easter said. "I can come back when you're feeling stronger, but I wanted to see you. I'm just a phone call away."

And then he leaned forward and whispered something for awhile in Emily's ear that neither Derek or JJ could hear. But they saw Emily's eyes go wide. When Clyde pulled his head back, she found his eyes and, with tears rolling down her face, she nodded once.

Clyde kissed her hand and stood from the bed. "You call whenever you want me to visit, okay Emily?"

Emily nodded again and Clyde turned from the room. Derek saw the tears in his eyes and followed him out to the waiting area. Clyde didn't stop walking.

"Wait," Derek called. "What did you say to her?"

Clyde stopped in his tracks and turned. He wiped his eyes, "I'm not an unfeeling bastard, you know, Derek Morgan. I try to come off as that, but certain things let me know I'm failing. She's one of those things. I don't know how your team did it, but you all got under her skin and made her feel and make connections. I was jealous of that for a long time because it was something we never could do."

Easter paused and took in a breath before continuing, "I told her that whether she remembered it yet or not, she loved you and you made her happy and she deserved that. I told her to trust you and let you in, that she had once before and she was happier than she'd ever been in her life. I told her that even if she never remembered, she could start over and you were the person she needed to be with."


	7. Chapter 7

After Clyde left her room, Emily brushed her tears away and she felt an emotional shift inside her. Maybe she couldn't remember yet, but she believed that one day she would, and even in the absence of those memories, she felt like maybe there was still a chance for a good life. She became determined to get stronger, to work through the things she needed to work through, and she needed to figure out who she was now.

She looked at JJ who was sitting next to her, one hand on top of Emily's, watching Emily's face. Her options were limited and she needed to trust someone besides just Derek, and JJ's face was easy to trust if she just let herself.

"We care?" she asked JJ.

And with those two words, JJ understood and told her what she needed to hear, and Emily came to understand that she really had let these people in.

"We care about each other? The team?"

Emily nodded.

"Yes. We're rather disgusting with how much we care about each other, actually."

She smiled at Emily and Emily smiled back.

"You just let me know if you want me to stop or it gets to be too much."

Emily nodded again.

"When you first came to the BAU I think you were putting on a good front to make us think you weren't as closed off to us as you really were. But then about ten months or so in, our Section Chief started pressing you for information about Hotch and the team, to use it against Hotch, and you quit instead of telling her anything. I think that was about the time you started to realize you actually did care about all of us. In hindsight, I think it was easy for you to quit because caring about us scared you. But Hotch talked you into coming back and after that, it felt different. We became a family, and you were an equal participant in that family, Emily."

JJ patted Emily's hand. "You never told us about Doyle. And you never told me about you and Derek sneaking around, which is what you were doing for about a year before Doyle resurfaced. Two things I could still kick your butt about," she said with a smirk. "It created quite a bit of drama, my friend, but in the end, everything worked out how it was supposed to. You and Derek have a happy home and you love each other very much. And we all care about each other and we're here for you. Trust in that until you can remember."

Emily stared at her and JJ stood to give her a gentle hug. "I didn't know how you felt about Declan. I should have guessed. I should have pressed you more so you would talk about it. I'm sorry."

Emily took her left arm and wrapped it around JJ. "OK," she managed to get out.

JJ stepped back. "It's not really okay, but it will be, Em. I believe that. Now that I know, I'm going to be quite a pain in the ass about making sure you're working through it."

They shared another smile.

Derek walked back in the room followed by Dr. Quon, who wanted to remove her head dressing and take a look at her sutures. JJ moved so Derek could take her place in the chair next to the bed, and Dr. Quon went to the other side of the bed and started taking of the bandage. Emily's heart was beating fast, wondering what it looked like under there.

"We had to shave quite a bit of your hair, Emily," he said softly, "And you have a large scar that's stapled shut that curves around the side of your head." Emily tried to prepare herself. She watched Derek's eyes as the bandage was removed, wanting to see his reaction.

Whatever he saw, he didn't blink, and he didn't cry. Neither did JJ.

She felt Dr. Quon's gentle hand on her head and he said, "It looks really good. We're going to leave the dressing off now. Would you like to see?"

Emily took a deep breath and nodded, and Dr. Quon removed a hand mirror from his lab coat, placing it in her left hand. Emily raised it and she felt Derek squeeze her right hand. Emily gasped when she saw her reflection. All the hair on the right side of her head was gone, and in its place was a long cut with staples in it that started on her forehead where the shrapnel was and made a large arch, over her scalp, ending right at her ear. Her right eye was swollen, and there was some bruising on her forehead.

She looked at Derek who smiled at her and squeezed her hand, and then she looked at JJ.

JJ grinned and said, "It's kind of bad ass."

And for the first time since she got hurt, Emily laughed.

* * *

><p>Derek or JJ must have let everyone else know that she was now visibly sporting her shaved head and scar, because when the other members of the BAU stopped in to see her that afternoon, they didn't react at all. They just smiled and talked to her, and seeing that Emily was feeling more alert and open to them, they started sharing stories with her.<p>

Reid was the sweetest, telling her about all of the times he remembered Emily ribbing him about what he knew and how he analyzed cases. He told her about how much he trusted her and enjoyed talking to her. He told her about her very first case, where it was just him and her and Gideon, and about how on the plane home he realized what a good chess player she was.

"You bing?" she asked him.

It took him a second to understand before he smiled. "You want me to bring a chess board so we can play? Absolutely. Tomorrow evening I'll be back with a chess board."

Emily smiled at that, looking forward to his company and doing something other than just sitting there.

* * *

><p>Physical therapy late that afternoon was a mixture of hope and frustration. A nurse came in and disconnected Emily from the heart monitor and her IV, and moved her catheter bag around and hooked it onto the walker the physical therapist, Anne, brought in. Then she helped Emily sit up and put a robe on her so her backside was covered.<p>

With Dr. Quon, Derek and Derek's mom looking on, Emily stood for the first time and was relieved to feel her legs supporting her. The therapist had to help her get her right hand around the handle on the walker, but after that, with a steadying hand on her back, Emily was able to walk without any apparent ill effects from her injury. She tired easily and needed to stop after a short trip out her door and into the hallway and then back, but she was walking and she was hopeful that she'd get her strength back.

Dr. Quon nodded in satisfaction and said, much to Emily's delight, "We're going to move you off the ICU floor and into a regular room. I'm truly amazed, Emily."

Working with her right hand and arm was the frustrating part. No matter how much she thought about the movements she wanted that hand to make, she just didn't have enough control to make it happen most of the time. And it dawned on her in that moment that she'd likely never hold a gun again. The thought sent her heart racing, but she quickly calmed herself down. She had a long road ahead of her, and she didn't need to be thinking about that yet.

Anne handed her something she'd never seen before. She looked at Derek who said, "It's called an iPad. It's kind of like a laptop computer, but the keyboard is right on the screen."

"I spoke with your speech therapist, and here's what we want you to do, Emily," said Ann. "For talking, we want you to try and say at least three word sentences, but if you need to say more, you can use this to type for now. I want you to very much try and do that mostly with your right hand, OK?"

Emily looked at the screen in fascination and reached her right index finger out to touch the keyboard. She found if she rested the heel of her hand on her hospital tray, she had some control over her right index finger and she was able to type.

She pressed in a few letters and then Anne told her to press the button that said, "Go."

"Hi Derek. Hi Fran," rang out from the speakers in a voice that wasn't too computerized.

Emily looked at Derek and smiled.

* * *

><p>That evening, after Emily and Derek had dinner in her new hospital room, which was much more comfortable and less sterile looking than where she had been, Penelope showed up with a shopping bag.<p>

Emily really took in her kind face for the first time, actually loving her loud outfit and bright personality.

Penelope sat on the edge of her hospital bed and said, "Emily, with a good amount of black eyeliner and the right earrings, you'd put your high school self to shame sporting that look."

Emily's eyes widened and then she laughed, which pleased Garcia greatly, she could see.

"Just in case you don't want to go that route with your look, I thought these might help." Garcia stood and took out three brightly colored scarves in blue, purple and red. "The nurse said your sutures can't be covered all of the time right now, but if people are coming by and it makes you feel more comfortable, you can use these. Which one do you want to try?"

Emily pointed to the purple scarf and Garcia stood. She gently gathered Emily's remaining hair and clipped it up. Then she wrapped the scarf around her head, tying it. "There are different ways to tie these. I printed out step by step instructions so Derek can help you when I'm not here."

Emily glanced at Derek and he smiled and said, "I'll become an expert at it."

Garcia stepped away from her. "It looks great!"

She handed Emily a mirror and Emily smiled at her reflection. It actually looked pretty. She glanced at Derek again and he stepped forward to hold her hand.

"You were beautiful before this happened, and you were beautiful with your head bandaged, and you are beautiful with your scar, and you are beautiful like this."

Emily realized he really meant it, and it made her feel beautiful, too. She reached over with her left hand and placed it on his arm. She looked between him and Garcia and managed something that sounded enough like, "Thank you both," that they understood her. Her first three-word sentence.

That night, after Garcia left and Derek was settling himself onto the cot that he'd pulled from the side of the room next to her bed, Emily reached for the iPad. He watched her type. She looked at him as she pressed the button that read the words aloud.

"We haven't cried since Clyde came here."

Derek raised his eyebrows and nodded. "He told me what he whispered to you. It made me feel less desperate and more hopeful, and stronger."

Emily typed again and Derek patiently waited. "Me too. Amazing. Clyde Easter making anyone feel better. That's not really him."

Derek reached up and placed a hand on her arm. "I think maybe it is, he just doesn't let most people see that side of him. I'll tell you the story soon, okay? It's been a long day and I can see you're tired."

"OK," she said and typed one more thing. "Can I see Declan?"

He didn't hesitate. "Yes. Of course. I'll arrange it."

She nodded tiredly. The idea of seeing a much older version of Declan than she remembered made her nervous, but she was exhausted and would process that in the morning. She knew she needed to see him.

"Goonigh," Emily whispered.

"Goodnight, Em."

Emily struggled to stay awake long enough with her eyes closed so he'd think she was asleep. And finally she heard it again, Derek whispering that he loved her.


	8. Chapter 8

Derek was startled awake in the middle of the night by the sound of Emily moaning and whimpering in her sleep. He turned on the soft light over the hospital bed.

"Emily," he said while gently shaking her shoulder.

Her eyes snapped open and he saw a look of pure terror on her face. He'd never seen her have a nightmare before. She hadn't had one since they'd been living together, and the one night she slept at his apartment so many years ago, she didn't have one. He made a quick deduction.

He reached his hand out and placed it gently on her cheek. "Ian Doyle is dead. He can't hurt you, Em."

Her eyes found his, and though her chest was still heaving, the scared look on her face went away. She took in her surroundings and he could see her remember where she was, then she looked back at him.

"Did you have nightmares about him frequently back then?" Derek asked.

She sighed. "Every nigh," she slurred.

Derek moved his hand from her face and placed her right hand gently between his. "Close your eyes, Em. I'll sit here until you fall asleep. You're safe."

She studied his face and reached her left hand over to cover his. "Know safe you," she said sloppily, but he understood her.

"You know you're safe with me?" he repeated, reveling in the feeling of her hand on his.

She nodded. "My nails," she managed.

Derek looked down at her hand and smiled. "You haven't picked your nails once since we've been living together, that's true."

Emily gave him a small smile and shut her eyes, keeping her hand where it was.

* * *

><p>The next morning during breakfast, Derek asked Emily when she wanted to see Declan.<p>

Emily's response was immediate, which made him think she'd thought about this already. She pointed to the foot of the bed, "Cath clothes," she said.

"As soon as your catheter is out and you can be in regular clothes?" Derek verified.

"Yes."

She pulled the iPad over and started typing. "When was the last time I saw him?"

"Last winter for a brief visit. I asked you why you didn't see him more often and you said you didn't want to disrupt his life, that he was happy and settled."

"That's what I told myself when I left him to begin with," she typed in response. Then she paused and looked at Derek for several long moments. He could see her trying to will herself to open up. She started typing again. She typed for a long time, using her left hand to get the words out more quickly. "I stopped seeing him the summer before I started at the BAU. It hurt too much to see him then, even though I knew I could have because I knew Doyle was still in prison. I was terrified that Doyle would escape, and I knew that the identity I got for Declan would do no good if it was associated with me. I knew I couldn't keep Declan with me, so I just tried to forget him. I was depressed for a long time, and I knew I couldn't go on like that." She sighed and hit the button so the words came out on the speaker.

Derek placed a comforting hand on her leg and listened to the iPad and nodded, "So you asked Clyde to help you get into the FBI."

"Yes," she said. "How I knew your name," she slurred.

Derek beamed at her. "Hey, Em! That's five words."

Emily smiled in surprise at that, like she hadn't realized it when she did it.

"So Clyde sent you information about us before you started the BAU, and when I said my name when you woke up from your coma, you recognized it from that."

"Yes."

At that moment, Derek's mom entered the room, and Derek was happy to see that Emily smiled when she saw Fran.

Fran held up her iPad and said, "JJ called me last night to see how physical therapy was. I told her about the iPad. She said you liked a good game of Scrabble. I'll show you how to download the game, and then we can play together. Another way for you to practice using your right hand."

Emily looked pleased.

Derek stepped out to call Penelope and ask her to track down Tom Kohler's number. Tom was in Budapest and was shocked and saddened by the news about Emily when Derek told him. He explained about what was going on with her memory, and Tom, unlike Clyde, was a bit surprised by the assessment that Emily was possibly stuck because of huge unresolved issues surrounding her feelings about Declan.

"She was so stoic when she explained that she needed to exit Declan's life for his own safety. She said she'd done her job, getting him there and making sure he was settled and happy, and now it was time to move on. She hugged Declan goodbye and explained that it was safest for him if she wasn't around. She told him to always be the kind boy she knew he was. And that was it. She called me to check in from time to time."

"I don't think she wanted anyone to know how strongly she really felt because she didn't know what to do with those feelings. She'd like to see him."

"I'll call the school," said Tom immediately. "Who will be picking him up?"

Derek thought about that. He really didn't want to be gone from the hospital that long, but he wanted someone Declan recognized who could explain things to him before he arrived. "Aaron Hotchner. Declan gave his statement to him when Doyle was killed, so he'll remember him. But it probably won't be for a couple of days."

"Got it. I'll talk to Declan as well to prepare him. Tell Emily I'll come visit as soon as I can. I was planning to be home by Christmas, but I'll try to make it sooner."

* * *

><p>That morning, speech therapy was a little better than the day before. After, Emily asked the nurse if she could practice walking. The nurse went out to check and returned about ten minutes later with Dr. Quon, who was carrying a cane. "This might be easier than the walker," he said.<p>

He and the nurse helped Emily stand, and once again, her legs held her. The cane was easier, a reassurance for balance, but less bulky than the walker, and she could hold it steadily in her left hand. Emily made five trips from her bed to the bathroom, the nurse staying close by, holding onto Emily's catheter bag. And then, even though it was slurred and slow, Derek heard Emily's firm and determined voice.

She looked right at Dr. Quon and said, "Cath ow now."

Derek smirked and even Dr. Quon smiled. "You'd like your catheter out?"

"Yes."

"Next thing you know you're going to be asking for a shower," said Dr. Quon with a grin.

Emily smiled at that and sighed, "Yes."

The doctor gave the okay for both and Fran went back to the house to get Emily some comfortable clothing. Derek turned his back while the nurse removed Emily's catheter, then she left to track down a shower chair and shower cap for Emily. Emily couldn't get her head wet until the staples came out, which wouldn't be for another week or so.

Derek sat on the edge of Emily's bed and she eyed him for a minute. She grabbed the iPad and typed, "My hair is disgusting and what's left of it is useless. I'd have to have the world's biggest comb-over to even begin to cover the bald spot. Cut it off. It will be easier to just let it grow out all at once. I'll make do with scarves until then."

Derek raised his eyebrows. "You're sure?"

"Yes."

"You want me to do it?"

Emily typed and then pointed at his head while the voice on the iPad spoke, "You look like you have some practice."

Derek laughed and Emily joined him for a few seconds, and then he watched her gasp in a huge breath and tears welled in her eyes.

"What, Emily?" Derek asked in a concerned voice.

She was quiet, thinking. "Kur," she finally said, blinking back her tears and smiling.

"I don't understand," said Derek.

"We laugh," she said, and then she typed and turned the screen to face Derek. "Kurt Vonnegut."

Derek blinked back tears himself. He reached over and wrapped Emily in a hug, and he felt her return it. "Yes. You were talking about being a big nerd and we talked Kurt Vonnegut. And we laughed."

"I rember," she said. And then she laughed again. "When?"

"Not long after you started with us, a couple weeks maybe?"

Emily pushed back on his shoulders and looked at his face, searching it, thinking.

When she didn't say anything for awhile, Derek asked, "Do you remember anything else?"

Emily shook her head, but smiled at the same time. "Now I rember I know you," she said. It was sloppy, but he understood.

Derek smiled back and touched her cheek, "Hey, Em. That's six words. You're going to be giving speeches soon."

* * *

><p>Derek went and tracked down some scissors. He had his own razor in his bag. He walked with Emily into the bathroom with the supplies and got her settled on the toilet seat.<p>

"You're sure about this?" he asked again.

She looked at him, and he could see insecurity on her face. "Will you mine?"

He laughed, "Will I mind? Hell no. Not having to clean clogs in our shower drain from your hair sounds like a gift."

Emily laughed. "See why."

"You see why what?"

"You an me," she whispered.

And all Derek wanted to do was gather her in his arms and kiss her until she remembered everything there was to know about him and them, but he didn't. He took in a shuddering breath. He gently picked up a lock of her hair and cut it close to her scalp. "You and me, Emily Prentiss, we were a sure thing from day one. It just took us a long time to figure it out." And he continued cutting her hair.

After he'd run his razor over her head and gathered her longer pieces of hair and thrown them away, he helped her stand to look in the mirror. She looked both shocked and satisfied. Derek brought his face next to hers so they were staring at their reflections together.

"We're like twins," he said with a grin.

Emily raised her eyebrow and gave him one her patent sarcastic looks in the mirror and Derek laughed.

He turned his head to press a gentle kiss to her left temple. "You're beautiful, Emily."

And then he turned quickly to grab her cane so he wouldn't cry. Because this laughing thing had worked for them for almost a year, and it was working for them now.

When he looked out the bathroom doorway, he saw Fran and JJ standing there both blinking back tears. He didn't know how long they'd been watching, but he subtly shook his head at them, and they got it. They quickly composed themselves.

"My mom and JJ are here. You want to tell them?" he asked Emily, who was still staring at herself in the mirror.

Emily turned her head and smiled radiantly at them. "I rember laugh with him," she said, pointing her left thumb and Derek. It was clearest Derek had heard her speak yet.


	9. Chapter 9

Emily felt like she'd run an emotional marathon in her head and it wasn't even lunchtime yet. She was so happy that she recalled a memory with Derek, but it left her feeling hopelessly confused as well, without any context to surround that memory. She remembered how she felt in that moment when she was talking and laughing with Derek about Slaughterhouse Five. He'd told her she'd only been at the BAU for a couple of weeks at that time, and what she remembered feeling in that moment was a sense of comfort and a willingness to let him in. Right away. The complete opposite of everything she'd promised herself before she started there. She couldn't wrap her head around it.

She had a decent list of train-wreck relationships before Interpol, and then there had been Ian Doyle, which wasn't a relationship, but re-defined train-wreck in terms of what it did to her. Derek Morgan was the exact opposite of any man she'd ever been with, and he obviously loved her. And what she told him before he started cutting her hair was true, she could see why they were in a relationship. She could see why she loved him, even if she didn't remember those feelings. And that realization was something that nearly brought her to her knees, because the Emily she remembered did not do love.

She had speech and physical therapy in her future. She had her feelings about Declan that she needed to work through. She had a nine-year gap that she very much wanted filled. She was back to nightmares about Ian even though he was dead. She had this man who loved her and stood in front of her, gently cutting her hair, letting his fingers occasionally linger on her face as he was doing so. She knew she needed to keep a check on herself so she didn't get too overwhelmed, but it was very hard to do so when every conversation and touch felt like an assault on her brain and her emotions.

And, yet, she didn't want Derek to stop talking or touching her.

The nurse came and placed the chair in the shower, then came out and handed her the shower cap. She said, "Somebody needs to stay in there with you. I can do it if you'd like."

Emily felt a moment of indecision. She needed someone in the bathroom with her to help her, and it was very strange to think about how Derek probably knew her body better than she did at this point and time. It was unnerving to her that that fact didn't bother her. She used logic: She wasn't going to be in this hospital much longer if she had anything to say about it, and she would still need help at home and that person would be Derek.

She looked away from the nurse, JJ and Fran, and turned to Derek. She inclined her head towards the bathroom. Derek grabbed the bag Fran brought and the iPad and followed her in.

She wanted to do this as independently as possible to see where she was going to fall short. Derek put some body wash on the low shelf in the shower, helped her adjust the shower cap on her head, brushed a gentle finger on her cheek and smiled, "Just ask if you want help." Then he sat on the toilet seat and looked at the iPad.

She stared at him, amazed at how well he knew her and knew what she wanted and needed. He kept his eyes focused on the iPad and Emily turned to the long mirror on the back of the bathroom door. She had an overwhelming desire to see what she looked like, nine years into a future she didn't remember. She placed the cane against the wall. She was able to undo the tie on the top of her hospital gown with her left hand, and with one glance at Derek in the mirror, whose eyes were still averted, she let the gown drop.

Emily felt herself blush when the first thing she noticed was her pubic hair. She closed her eyes, assaulted by memories she couldn't help, and that, for her, didn't feel that long ago.

_The first time with Doyle had been all about his control over her. He held her down, he kept asking if she liked it. Emily had never given up control like that in her life, she hated it, but it was the job. It was a job she volunteered for because she thought she was tough enough. There was a brief moment when she thought, 'I need to get the fuck out of here,' but one look at Doyle's face and she knew that would not have ended well for her. Besides, she was in now, and she knew too much. Her only hope was to deliver the profile and be extricated, or to try and run and probably die. She told him she liked it. She spent the rest of the night awake, fully absorbing and coming to terms with the reality of what it meant to be Lauren. _

_The next morning, Doyle led her to a room in his villa where a woman was waiting. Emily took in the double burner, the table and the smell of wax. _

_Doyle stared her in the eyes and said menacingly but with a smile on his face, "I prefer my women completely waxed. That's all right with you, isn't it?" _

_And Emily had played her role. She smiled seductively at him and said, "Is it going to make tonight better than last night?" _

_He sat there and watched the whole process with a satisfied smile on his face. And thus began endless months of nights with Doyle where she was miserable and scared, and a few hours during the day with Declan where she felt human. And like clockwork, the woman would appear when necessary to wax her again. And Doyle would always watch._

_After a couple of months, Emily realized that the only part of her life that felt real was the few hours a day she spent with Declan; it was the only part of her life where she'd allow herself to feel anything at all. Everything else was just an act. _

_When Doyle was taken into custody and Emily had gotten Declan the hell out of there, she spent day after day looking at her reflection, waiting for hair to grow again, wondering when her life would feel real again. _

"Emily?" asked Derek's voice quietly, from right behind her.

Emily opened her eyes and looked at her reflection in the mirror, tears on her face, Derek's face just over her shoulder. She stared at him in the reflection and she saw him debate. Emily knew she looked vulnerable, and she was surprised it didn't bother her more, him seeing her like that.

He placed his hand gently on her right forearm and turned it to towards the mirror. Speaking softly, he said, "This is from when you were in a car accident during a case."

Then he touched her left shoulder, "You were shot here during a case. It was probably my fault, but you wouldn't let me take the blame."

He inhaled deeply and whispered, "You ran away from us when you knew Doyle was after you. You did it to protect us, but you ran right to him, to try and take him out. He branded you here." And Emily watched his hand move around to the front of her, one gentle finger brushing a slightly raised and discolored patch on her chest. "You had that removed."

Derek's hand moved and gently brushed across the scar on her abdomen. "He stabbed you with a piece of wood here. That's why the scar is so big."

The whole time, Emily stared at his reflection in the mirror, at his gentle hands and how they looked and felt when they touched her. He truly loved her and thought her beautiful - scars, bald head, everything. He didn't know why she'd been crying, but that didn't matter to her in the moment. Her body remembered what her mind couldn't; his touch felt like everything she'd ever heard about love, but she never thought she'd have.

Derek took in a deep breath. "Anything else you're wondering about?"

Emily looked at her reflection and brushed away her tears. She needed to tell him, or tell someone, everything. She needed to talk about it, but she couldn't formulate the words right now. Instead, she refocused herself, trying to find a lighter path for the time being, because the rest felt too heavy to deal with when she had a mouth that wouldn't cooperate with her.

She looked at her body. She'd always been in shape, but she noticed more well-defined muscles on her legs and arms and abdomen than she ever remembered. "My muscles," she slurred out.

Derek smiled sweetly. "We have a workout room in our basement that you use a lot, and we run the course at the FBI Academy several times a week. JJ often joins us. She always beats us."

Emily raised her eyebrows at him and Derek laughed, "What can I say? She runs like her ass is on fire."

Emily laughed and garbled, "Soccer," not having any reason for why she came up with that word or a memory associated with it - it just came to her.

Derek looked at her startled. "That's right. She played soccer in high school and college."

She looked at Derek's hopeful face in the mirror and shrugged her shoulders, shaking her head. She didn't know how she came up with that. Then she turned slowly and wrapped her left arm around him firmly, and her right arm as much as she could manage. She felt his hands on her back - his kind, gentle hands - and she just held on for a minute.

She wanted to tell him that he didn't have to wait until he thought she was sleeping to tell her he loved her; that she liked to hear it. But she couldn't get that many words out, and she didn't want to let go to get the iPad. In the end, it didn't matter anyway.

He whispered, "I love you, Emily," in her ear. And she raised her left hand to place it on the back of his head and pull him to her more tightly. It was the safest she ever remembered feeling.

* * *

><p>Emily calmed her emotions in the shower, where she managed to wash herself reasonably well using the low, hand-held shower-head and mostly her left hand. Getting dried and dressed was another matter.<p>

Derek helped her dry herself off, but then he switched into helping her be independent again, sensing she needed that. She managed her underwear and yoga pants, mostly just using her left hand, and her right hand and arm when it decided it wanted to join in the party.

He asked her if she wanted a bra and Emily nodded, just wanting to feel dressed totally. But she was completely incapable of clasping it. And though he could have reached around her and done it for her, he didn't. He said, "I have an idea."

He took the bra off her and hooked it and then placed it on the bathroom floor. "Can you do it like this?" he asked.

And thought it wasn't the most coordinated sight in the world, Emily managed to get the bra up and on, his hand on her hip providing balance. She smiled at him appreciatively.

"We can figure out anything, Em," he assured her.

Emily responded, "I know," because she believed it with every ounce of her being, she realized.

She managed to get on her t-shirt, but socks were too much, mostly because she was exhausted at that point. Derek sat her on the toilet seat, and knelt on the ground to put some socks on her feet.

Emily reached her left hand forward and placed it on his cheek, "I know I love you," she slurred tiredly.

The smile he gave her was better than anything she remembered seeing from him yet.

* * *

><p>She had a vague recollection of Derek carrying her from the bathroom to her bed because she was completely sapped of any energy. She remembered a blanket being tucked around her. She heard whispering, Derek and Fran and JJ. And then she was completely out.<p>

The next thing she remembered was waking up when Reid entered the room, the promised chess board in his hands. Reid gave her a smile, but then said, "Can I see you in the hallway?" to Derek.

Derek followed him out and Emily became fully awake. She noted the clock; she'd been asleep for a few hours. Derek didn't come back in the room for several long minutes. When he finally did, followed by Reid, he came to sit on the edge of her bed and took her hand gently in his.

"In a true teenage, impulsive move, it appears after Tom called Declan, Declan decided he wasn't going to wait. He got out of school and got a cab and he's here now. Reid found him downstairs when he arrived. I have to tell you that when I told Declan that you might not be ready yet, he crossed his arms and said, 'I"ll wait, Sir,' with a tone and look I could only describe as yours."

Emily tried to smile a bit, but her eyes were watery and her heart was racing.

"Are you up for this, Em?"

She nodded her head, scared to death, but determined. "Scarf?"

Derek was fast and efficient, copying what Penelope had done the day before. When he was done, he looked at Reid and nodded, and Reid left the room. Then he took Emily's hand in his. "Do you want me to stay?" he asked.

"Yes," said Emily and she tried to breath and control her heart rate.

It was only seconds later, but it felt like an eternity, when a young man entered her room and smiled at her. He looked like himself and like Ian Doyle at the same time; his features were the same as his fathers, but there was nothing dangerous or menacing about Declan's face. He had tears in his eyes.

He came and wrapped his arms around Emily, and in a voice that was much deeper that she didn't recognize, he said, "Tom told me Agent Hotchner would come and get me in a couple of days to see you, but I couldn't wait."

Emily wrapped her arm around him and tried to control her tears. Declan released her and sat on the edge of her bed.

"I'm sorry you got hurt, Emily," he said. "Tom told me about what happened and your memory. You remember me, though."

Emily nodded and sucked in breaths to be able to answer as best she could, "When you were lil."

"Before you left?" asked Declan, and Emily nodded.

Declan reached onto the floor and pulled up his backpack. He unzipped it and took out a frame, handing it to Emily. "You said it wouldn't be safe if you kept pictures of me, but I kept this. I hid it. After my dad was dead, I made another copy. One for home and one for at school. You can have this one."

Emily looked at the picture, and she remembered the day. It was the day before she told Tom she needed to let Declan go and move on. She'd taken Declan to DC for the day and bought him a disposable camera. It was his idea to ask someone to take a picture of them sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. His arms were around her neck, his cheek pressed against hers, while she sat on the steps. Both of them had smiles on their faces. In the picture, he was the little boy she remembered.

She was successful at holding back her sobs and smiled at Declan.

"You used to come see me after that. You'd pull your car behind the school and look at me on the fields at school out of your window. I pretended not to notice because I knew that was safest for me and you. But every month or so, you came to see me. And every time, I remembered thinking, 'I'm still being kind.' You never forgot me. After a lot of years, you went away for a long time, and it was only after my dad was dead that you explained it to me. I understood. And I know what you did for me, Emily."

Emily brought her hand up in front of her face and sobbed; she had no control over her tears in this situation. She felt Declan's hand on her arm, "I'm still kind, Emily, like you told me to be. I'm a good person because of you."

She reached her left hand out and pulled him in for another hug. She garbled, "I love you." It was the first time she'd ever said it to him that she remembered.

"I love you, too." he said against her shoulder.

* * *

><p>After that, Emily was able to get control of herself. She talked with Declan and learned what he was up to now, about school and the sports he played. They visited for awhile, and then Reid told Declan he'd drive him back to school.<p>

"Maybe we can see each other more now," said Declan.

"I like that," slurred Emily.

"Good. Because now that I know how to get out of school, I'm coming whether you like it or not," he said with a smile. And his smile was nothing like Doyle's. It was kind and loving, something Doyle never managed to be ever.

As soon as her hospital room door closed, she collapsed back on her pillows and started crying again. After a few minutes, she felt her bed dip, and Derek laid down next to her. He put his arm around her. He didn't say anything, but his hand reached up to her face and brushed away her tears. He was still there, wrapped around her, when she finally fell asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Derek woke up on the cot and was surprised to find Emily sitting up in bed facing him, iPad in her lap, like she was waiting for him. The night before, he'd fallen asleep next to her in bed, but she'd had another nightmare. He waited for her to fall asleep again, and then he moved to the cot to give her more space on the bed.

He sat up and touched her knee, but before he could say anything, the iPad started talking.

"What happened around the holidays in 2009? Something that would have really upset me or made me think."

Derek shook the sleep from his head and sighed, "Hotch's wife, Haley, was murdered by a serial killer. We all listened to it happen over the radio. And not long after that was when you were in the car accident that gave you the scar on your arm. The prisoner you were transporting killed the detective who was driving and you were trapped in your seat. He wanted to kill you, too. Why do you ask?"

Emily blinked at him and shook her head sadly. Then she started typing again. "Did I seem different after that?"

Derek thought, "Yes, actually. In January of 2010. You seemed more relaxed and open. We started hanging out more after work, just as friends. But that spring was when you and I started..."

She held up her hand to stop him and she typed, "I really want to remember that part on my own if I can. I'm looking forward to that memory." She smiled at him.

Derek's heart skipped a beat in happiness. And he realized that she seemed very different this morning. Her demeanor was stronger, like she'd spent the last hours of her sleep making a decision. "Why are you asking about this? Did you remember something?"

Emily nodded and typed. "I woke up early and I started typing everything about Doyle and Declan. I wanted it all written out because I need to see a therapist. I know that, and having the words there for when I can't talk well will be helpful. And I want you to know. Do you know? Did I ever tell you?"

He shook his head, "Not details. And you didn't tell details to Easter either in your original report. We saw that report. There were a lot of holes, Emily."

"Yes," she said. Then she started typing again. He waited for over a minute before the iPad speaker came on. "When I started typing, a memory came to me. I'd already written it all out before, in my journal. I was sitting on a couch, and there was a small Christmas tree on the table next to me. I remember when I was done - I think it was over several days, but that part is a little fuzzy - I remember I took the journal to a safety deposit box. I remember feeling relieved that I'd written it all, and I didn't want to get rid of it, but I didn't want it in my house. I can see the date on the form at the bank. It was December 29, 2009. First Citizens Bank, the main branch in DC. Do you think it's still there?"

Derek was surprised by the confession, by the memory, by the fact that she wanted him to know everything. She never talked about Doyle, not since that first night she came back from London. Then again, it's not like he was sitting there swapping stories with her about Carl Buford either. They both kept the ghosts in their closets pretty close to the vest. The difference was, Carl Buford seemed like a very distant ghost he could barely see anymore, and Doyle was right there in front of her face now.

He smiled at Emily and patted her knee. "You pay for a safety deposit box there. You said it contained important papers, your birth certificate, things like that. The journal could still be in there."

Derek grabbed his phone and called JJ, told her where the key and documentation for the safety deposit box were in their house, asked her to work her charm and use her badge to get into that box and bring back anything that looked like a journal to the hospital. Knowing JJ, she'd probably be there within a couple of hours.

"We'll just see," he said to Emily when he disconnected the call.

"Will she rea?" asked Emily.

"Will JJ read it? No, Emily. She'd never do that unless you told her she could."

Emily nodded like she thought that was probably the answer, but she just wanted to be sure. She squeezed his hand where it was resting on her knee and then typed, "It scares me, the idea of you or anyone knowing. But I know it will help me." Then she smiled and typed. "I'm sick of hospital food. Can your mom bring Bennington's for breakfast?"

Derek laughed in happiness and shock at her memory of the little cafe by their brownstone. "Em! Bennington's didn't open until this past summer."

She gave him a wide-eyed look, but shrugged her shoulders. "Like soccer," she said.

And Derek understood that the name had just come to her, but she didn't have a context for it yet. He grinned. It was still progress. "Yes, I'll have my mom pick up Bennington's on her way in. It will be nice to see you scarfing down one of their loaded omelets again."

The nurse came in at the moment with Emily's pain medication. Emily looked in the pill cup in confusion. "It's a stool softener," said the nurse. "The pain meds can really do a number on you in that department. I think your days here with us are numbered, Emily. But Dr. Quon wants to make sure all your systems are functioning first. Dr. Quon will be by around noon. You have speech therapy at 9:00 and physical therapy at 2:00, and a therapist that works with people with traumatic brain injuries will be by around 4:00 to talk to you."

After Emily took the pills and the nurse left, Derek said, "Sounds like a full day."

Emily looked at him and laughed. Then she typed. "Shit and go home. Make it a spinach omelet."

Derek joined her in laughter, feeling so completely relieved and happy that they would be going home soon. That each day she showed a little more of the Emily he knew. It actually made his head hurt to think about all the conflicting thoughts and emotions that must be swirling around in her head, or how she was managing to make sense of them. When she'd first woken up and he realized she didn't remember anything, he wasn't sure she would be comfortable coming home with him when she was released, but it seemed like she didn't have any reservations.

* * *

><p>Fran came with breakfast and visited for a bit. When Derek told her that Emily might be coming home soon, she looked at Emily and patted her hand. "I'll stay until you don't want me there anymore, just to help. Is that OK?" And Emily nodded happily. Fran left after breakfast to go back to the house, a laundry list of things she thought she could do to make the house more accessible and ready for Emily.<p>

Speech therapy was exceedingly better than the day before, so much so that the speech therapist kept shaking her head in surprise. At one point she looked at Derek in amazement and he said, "Once she puts her mind to something, she's quite a force to be reckoned with," which made Emily grin. She was managing more articulate sounds, and he thought maybe it wouldn't be too long until she said his name after all. She didn't know how much he wanted to hear it.

JJ showed up not long after that with a thick envelope. She looked very curious, but she didn't ask questions. She handed the envelope to Emily and gave her a quick hug and said she needed to get to work, but she'd come back that evening. As JJ was standing to walk out the door, Emily snatched up her hand.

"Thank you for being my frien," said Emily.

JJ opened her eyes wide at the clarity of the long sentence, and also in an effort to not cry, Derek thought. "Of course, Emily. Always." Then she hugged Emily again and said with a laugh, "You just sounded the way you do after a long night hanging out at one of our houses drinking wine. Pretty impressive, my friend."

Emily laughed, and JJ patted her shoulder, smiling hugely before she left the room. Not for the first time Derek thought that all of their friends only wanted Emily back; that she had no memories of them was not as big of a deal as they initially thought. Their memories were strong enough to carry Emily through this. He felt the same way.

Emily opened the envelope and pulled out the journal. She beckoned Derek to the bed and he sat on the edge. She used the side of her right hand to hold it in place and opened the cover. The first pages were dated 2002, before Doyle. She looked at Derek and said, "Inerpol."

"You wrote about when you worked for Interpol?"

"Yes." Then she flipped through the pages and found what she was looking for - an entry dated December 26, 2009. She nodded in satisfaction that her memory was correct and closed the cover. She handed the journal to Derek, a determined but worried look on her face.

"Should I start from the beginning?" he asked.

"You know abou Inerpol?"

Derek shook his head. "No, you never talked about it with me."

Emily reached for the iPad, and then stopped herself. She looked right at him and managed her longest sentences yet, slowly, but well enough for him to understand. "I think very d...d...differen Emily than you know." She paused and thought, trying to move her mouth correctly. "Think Clye knew the BAU be-er for me."

She took journal back from him and opened it to the first page, and then handed it back. Derek felt her watching his face as he started reading. After awhile, Emily drifted off to sleep and Derek found himself intrigued and in a bit of shocked disbelief at the life Emily had lived with Interpol. It made the BAU look like child's play. Clyde's team was tasked with the most covert operations. Derek came to understand why dropping through a ceiling on a harness to talk to a man wired to blow didn't even phase her. She talked a lot about how she couldn't live this life and let anyone get close to her at the same time, that she didn't have that much space inside her. She both loved and hated what she was doing, but she got a high out of taking on the most difficult assignments. Derek read page after page and in the last entry before Doyle, she talked about how she was excited about the assignment, that she knew she was tough enough to pull it off and she was looking forward to taking Doyle down.

Derek looked up then and saw her still sleeping. He took a deep breath and flipped through a few blank pages. The entry on December 26, 2009 began, _So much has happened in the past month that I feel like I'm missing out on a real life, and I want one before it's too late. Maybe if I write this all out, it will help. _

And then she started in with Ian Doyle and the horrors she experienced with him, and her feelings about all of that and Declan. It was a heartbreaking twenty or so pages that made Derek wish he'd been the one to pull the trigger on Doyle. She'd written it with a felt-tipped pen, and throughout the pages there were dots of tear marks in the ink. He read it all and took it in. He didn't cry. What he really wanted to do was punch a wall. He understood fully for the first time why she had become so petrified at the idea of Doyle being out of prison that she'd behaved irrationally and run from them all instead of asking them for help; he understood the level of shame she felt she would have needed to get through in order to ask them for help, and she just couldn't do it.

He wished she'd told him all of this before, after she came back from her fake death, because it would have made that year very different. She probably would have never left for London. Their lives together could have begun that much sooner.

But he understood. He remembered being in that interrogation room in Chicago so many years ago and not being able to save himself because he couldn't get past the shame and talk about it all.

And he loved her even more than he had before, which he didn't think was possible, not because of all of the pages before, but because of the last two sentences. _I just want a relationship and to feel love and love someone and it's very confusing because whenever I think about that, the only person I see is Morgan, which can't happen. But that's a story for a different journal. _

He looked up and saw Emily awake, her eyes on him.

"OK?" she asked.

Derek huffed out a laugh and placed a hand on her cheek. "After reading about Interpol, I was a little scared of you."

Emily smiled. "No, really. OK?"

"Emily, of course it's okay. I'm sad for you and angry for you, and I love you more than ever. Do you remember everything you wrote about Doyle?"

She shook her head and grabbed the iPad. "I only remember that I wrote about it."

Derek turned the journal towards her and pointed to the last two sentences. "I told you, Em, we were a sure bet from the start. Even before we started."

Emily read the sentences and her eyebrows raised in surprise. Derek moved the journal to the side, and bent forward to brush a gentle kiss against her lips. "We're happy, Emily," he whispered. "I know you need to work through these things, but I think you need to give yourself credit for what you've already done that you don't remember. You got your relationship full of love with the person you thought you should have it with. Me. And you still have me."


	11. Chapter 11

Emily listened to the the therapist who specialized in patients with traumatic brain injuries go through the list of possible emotional side effects of her head injury, and the warning signs of depression, which was astronomically high after something like this. Emily absorbed everything the therapist said. She made a promise to check in with herself, but it really wasn't where her mind was at.

After four days awake in the hospital with frequent visits from the BAU team, she wasn't worried about how her friends or Derek perceived her now, she wasn't worried about her limitations at the moment because they got better every day. She attacked herself like a profiler as well; she understood she was loved, she was safe and this would all take time. That therapist wasn't what she needed because she was pretty certain if she'd said, "Actually, what I need to talk about is the traumatic sexual experiences I had with a brutal criminal I was profiling while assuming a different identity, and, during that time, I started loving his son like a mother would," the therapist would have run for the hills.

After that, Derek helped her choose a therapist at the FBI who specialized in people who'd done undercover work; Dr. Kelley was willing to come to their home. In fact, Hotch came by on her second to last evening in the hospital and told her that the FBI was willing to pay for whatever she wanted in terms of rehabilitation. Apparently when one takes some shrapnel in the brain and the result is taking down a terror cell who had far worse plans than killing a few hundred people in a store at the mall, the federal government rolled out the red carpet. She'd be keeping her same physical and speech therapists, who would come to their home and work with her every other day.

In her last two days at the hospital, she came to think of her memories in two different ways: Real recollections and sense memory.

Real recollections where things like remembering laughing with Derek, or remembering writing in her journal. Or how when Reid finally came by for that chess game, and they decided to play poker instead so Derek could join in, she once again gasped and then smiled at Reid. "I drew a full house with three cards on you once, jacks over threes." And Reid had hugged her and laughed and talked about improbabilities, and how she was the living and breathing proof to never play the odds all of the time. Emily noticed Derek looking very excited and hopeful when she recalled this memory. When she asked him why later, he told her that that night had been their first time, but no matter how much she tried to remember, she couldn't.

Sense memories were the memories that had no context, like that her favorite breakfast food was from Bennington's or knowing JJ played soccer. Or how it felt like everything good in the universe radiated within her body when Derek touched her face or gently brushed his lips against hers.

On Friday morning, Fran was at the house where a plumber was installing a lower hand-held shower head and some railing on the shower wall. Though Emily could stand, a shower could be slippery and sitting was still safest for her. Who knew what a fall and a bump on the head would do; they were playing it safe. Derek had to go to Quantico to turn in his leave of absence and sign some paperwork; he wasn't planning to return to work until January. Emily was officially on disability, which was something she hated, but she accepted. Her head was just too full to dwell on things she couldn't change.

It was JJ who came that morning to the hospital and stayed with her, even though Emily insisted she'd be fine for a few hours. But Derek's point was valid: if a memory came to her, he wanted someone there who could answer her questions. JJ brought breakfast for them and comfortably sat on the foot of Emily's bed, facing her, telling her about Will and Henry. Emily listened and smiled and regarded her for a long time.

"How much you know abou Oyle?" she asked JJ.

"Maybe a little more than the others did back then because I was the one who flew with you to Paris after you recovered from your injuries, and helped set you up with your aliases so you could stay hidden. But you didn't talk much about him, except how he branded you. I did most of the talking on that trip because I was doing highly classified work for the State Department at the time. No one knew, not even Will. But I confided in you because it was safe. Who could you possibly tell while playing dead?" JJ finished that last sentence with a smirk and wink, trying to keep the mood light.

Emily smiled, but she'd spent quite a bit of time in her head thinking about how she'd lied to these people who so completely cared about her, and how that lying had likely shaped several years of her life in a way that started off as good, since she'd gotten her fresh start and let them in and started a relationship with Derek during that time. But it obviously ended pretty terribly after Doyle escaped from prison. Through the blankness in her mind, that was what she was able to deduce.

She reached over and grabbed the journal on the table beside her and handed it to JJ, who gave her a small, sweet smile before opening it up and starting to read. Emily looked at the iPad and opened up a new game of Sudoku, settling in against the pillows.

After about fifteen minutes of reading about Emily's time with Interpol, JJ chuckled. "Holy shit, Em. I asked you once, a few months after you started with us, how you came off a desk job and never blinked at some of the horrors we saw, and you said you just compartmentalized better than most people. Now it makes sense. Part of me can't imagine you doing this stuff, and then another part of me can totally see you being all covert operations and bad ass."

JJ laughed again and shook her head. Emily was amazed at how Derek, and now JJ, were just taking this all in stride. Suddenly, a very clear image came to Emily. "You were in a bathroom in a house?" she asked.

JJ's eyes opened wide and she looked excited, "Yes!"

"There were d..d..dogs?"

JJ shivered and said yes again. Emily looked down sadly. She typed on the iPad and hit the speaker button. "I remember. I remember feeling so bad about lying to you about my background because you were scared, and I just wanted to tell you that I remembered being scared like that before, too."

JJ reached forward and placed a hand on Emily's knee. "It's OK, Em. I had to lie for a long time, and it bit me in the ass, too. You flew in from London to help save me."

"Lonon?" Emily asked, and JJ looked at her like she wished she could have taken that last sentence back.

With a deep sigh, JJ started talking. "After Doyle resurfaced and Declan was in trouble and you came back from the dead, you returned to the BAU for about nine months. But things were off for you, and I didn't know it then, but things were very off for you and Derek. You never fully settled back in with us. Clyde Easter offered you the opportunity to run the London office and you took it. You were gone for about two and a half years."

Emily could only stare. This was a bit too much information to process - that she'd left, that she'd gone back to Interpol, that she was head of the London office. That when she probably knew she needed to be honest and talk about Doyle in order to work through things, she'd run away rather than dealing with it. Again.

She wanted to know how she got back to DC, but that was something she would talk with Derek about since it seemed obvious that it involved him. There was one piece of the puzzle that made more sense with what JJ said: Clyde had seemed very different with her when he showed up at the hospital - kinder, gentler, like he knew her much better than he did before. What she couldn't make sense of was the fact that he seemed to know about how she felt about Derek; she couldn't imagine a situation where she would open up to him about something like that.

She typed, "Do you know how Clyde knew about me and Derek?"

JJ looked uncomfortable. "Yes. You told me about it after you moved back. But, Emily, I think this might be better coming from Derek."

Emily took in how JJ looked and what she'd just said and a possibility came to her that she couldn't even fathom. She typed, "Please tell me that I did not have a personal relationship with Clyde Easter."

JJ cringed and relented. "I wouldn't exactly call it a relationship. That's not how you described it to me. Your exact words were, 'It was a sorry attempt at screwing the loneliness and sadness away.' But Easter was the one who figured out how you felt about Derek. He encouraged you to contact Derek and was happy for you when you came back."

More staring and blinking followed. This really was too much, and she wanted the rest of the story from Derek. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back. But after a moment she laughed lightly. She leaned forward and typed, "That is one memory I won't miss if it never comes back. I can't even imagine."

JJ laughed, too, and patted her knee again and went back to reading. It was quiet for a very long time and Emily tried to focus on the game on the iPad instead of letting herself wonder about what an absolute mess she must have been to finally let Clyde Easter in her pants.

She became aware of JJ sniffling about an hour later and looked up. JJ closed the journal and wiped her eyes. She said essentially the same thing Derek had told her.

"You running when you heard Doyle was after you instead of talking to the team makes so much more sense now. I'm so sorry that all happened to you, Emily."

Emily realized that even without most of her memories, the truth was setting her free in a lot of ways. She could conceptualize how it must have hurt the group of them, the fallout of Doyle escaping and everything that happened after. And though it seemed like JJ and Derek had gotten over it, knowing and having a deeper understanding was still very helpful.

And with the truth out there, she found herself absent of her flight response - she wasn't going to run from this again. She was going to deal with it and get through it. Finally.

* * *

><p>Eight days after her injury, on Saturday afternoon, Derek drove her home. She'd debated asking him about what their house was like, but ultimately decided she just wanted to investigate it on her own. Fran was hanging out with Penelope that afternoon and evening so they could have some time alone.<p>

Emily walked into the entryway and looked around, in awe. She didn't remember ever living anywhere that really felt like a home like this, and this place screamed the word. It was nice, and very comfortable. Warm. It made you want to sit on the sofa and let it wrap its arms around you.

The first single thing that caught her eye was a picture on the entryway table. It wasn't framed, just laying there - her and Derek with a backdrop of trees in their full fall glory behind them.

"We went to Vermont for your birthday. We had that picture blown up, but we hadn't gotten around to getting a frame for it yet."

Emily had a hard time tearing herself away from their smiling faces, their relaxed body language, the very realness of them both.

She moved her eyes around the living room and then walked to the kitchen and dining area, taking it in. Derek didn't seem to know quite what to do, whether to just let her look or explain. He kept a gentle hand on her back.

"There's a half bathroom back there opposite the pantry in case you're downstairs and need to go to the bathroom. My mom had a hand rail put in there as well, just in case."

On her second pass through the living room, Emily found a few things she recognized - art work she'd had for a long time. She also walked to the bookshelf and found some of her favorite books that she always kept with her when she moved. There were a couple more framed pictures of the two of the looking just as happy; one in the snow where they'd been skiing based on the gear visible, and one on a sandy beach somewhere. But with each step she was getting a little more discouraged. She'd hoped that memories would rush back at her when she walked in the door, but so far there was nothing.

They made their way upstairs and Derek showed her their bedroom. She walked around the room and Derek showed her where her things were in the dresser. He opened the walk-in closet and Emily stepped in to look.

"As you can see, I don't have a lot of real estate in there," he said, and she smiled at that.

She touched her clothes and looked at her shoes and tried to absorb that she'd worn and purchased these things and had no memory of it. She turned to Derek.

"This is very..." she paused and shook here head. It was weird, and a little frightening, and totally overwhelming. It made her instantly exhausted, like she just wanted to close her eyes and let her subconscious file through her feelings while she was sleeping because she couldn't do it while she was awake.

Derek stepped forward and wrapped her in a gentle hug, "I know it's a lot take in, but you're here and this is your home and it will start feeling more comfortable over time."

Emily wrapped her arms around him and whispered, "I know. I think a nap."

"OK, Em."

He lead her to the bed, sat her down, and knelt to untie and remove her shoes. Emily immediately laid down on her left side and Derek went around to the other side of the bed and laid down facing her. He touched her cheek and whispered, "I'm so happy you're home." Then he settled his hand on top of her right hand where it rested on the bed. "Is this OK?" he asked.

Emily nodded and slowly blinked her eyes. Derek must have been just as emotionally exhausted as she was, maybe even more because he'd sacrificed much of his own sleep this past week and had ridden the wave of emotions and fear right along with her. Whatever the case, his eyes shut and remained so before hers did.

She wasn't sure how long they slept. At least a few hours; she could see through the window that it was dusk. She took in Derek's face and suddenly there was a memory there, the kind of memory she desperately wanted. As she'd found to be the case over the past couple of days, she was much more articulate when she first woke up and felt well-rested. She didn't even stumble over the "D."

"Derek," she whispered with tears in her eyes.

His eyes snapped open and he was instantly blinking back tears of his own. "You said my name."

Until that moment, she didn't know just how much he was waiting for that. She smiled and said it again, she put together the words, she only sounded moderately drunk to her own ears. "Derek, I remember. We were in a car. I was asleep. I opened my eyes and I was happy because you were there."

Derek's smile had been widening the entire time she talked, "You opened your eyes and they filled with tears. I asked you what was wrong and you said nothing, that it had just been a very long time since you'd woken up and mine was the first face you saw and that it made you feel alive."

Emily nodded.

"JJ told me she told you about going to run the Interpol office in London. That was the day you came back, Em."

"I know. I remember. First t..time I ran t..to something good."


	12. Chapter 12

_Author's note: I started writing this chapter using Emily's slurred speech and it just was too much and too disjointed. So I tacked on the assumption that it was still slurry, but Derek could understand her and went with it. It flows much better.  
><em>

_I didn't think I was going to get this done until tomorrow, which would have been my longest ever without a chapter update! But mother nature decided to bestow some rain upon us parched Californians, so my Saturday of my sons' endless soccer games was canceled. :)_

* * *

><p>Emily didn't really remember that day she came back from London. She didn't remember about Savannah. She didn't remember the email he sent her. She didn't remember waking up two pilots and taking an Interpol jet in the middle of the night in order to beat him to Turner Field. She only remembered waking up in the car, seeing his face, and telling herself that she'd finally run to something good.<p>

She didn't ask questions, just content to have the memory in her grasp. He made a decision to give her the memories when she asked or when it was vital, and be patient and let her remember the rest, however long it took. JJ had told him that Emily now knew about what was going on with Clyde in London, but Emily hadn't mentioned it to him. He got the sense that when she wasn't asking it was because it was too much for her to handle for the time being. No matter how difficult it was for him to not tell her everything about their life together, he was going to follow her lead.

He might have said more to her in that moment when she first said his name before he had a chance to think about it, but she leaned up on her left arm in the bed, and this time she gently brushed her lips across his. She tried to put her right hand on his cheek and she did, but it landed with an uncoordinated, heavy thunk.

"Sorry," she said quietly.

He was still stunned by her saying his name and the kiss and he felt like his heart was going to skip right out of his chest. "It's really no problem, Em. I didn't need that cheekbone anyway."

They both laughed at that. She leaned away from him and asked in the slurred voice he was starting to understand with clarity, "What do we normally do on a Saturday night?"

"Sometimes we hang out somewhere with the team if they're in town. Sometimes we go out to dinner. Sometimes we just get take out and watch a movie at home. Sometimes we go to the movies."

She surprised him again. "Can we go out?"

He raised his eyebrows, "To dinner? Are you sure you're up for that?"

"I want normal."

"There's a little Mexican restaurant we like about a block away. Do you think you can manage that? Actually, that doesn't matter. We can get a cab for a block if we need to."

Emily smiled. "Let's try."

She told him she wanted to shower and get ready. He stayed in the bathroom with her while she tried out the shower chair and new shower head in their bathroom. He sat on the toilet seat and kept his head down so she didn't feel like he was staring at her, but he couldn't help grinning.

She looked at him through the shower door at one point and asked, "Why are you smiling like that?"

"I'm just thinking about how fast you're going to be able to get ready now that you don't have hair. It's quite a relief."

She chuckled, and Derek was thankful they were back to the laughing part. It felt right.

"No, really. Why?" she said.

"Because you're home, because you remembered something important, because you said my name, because you're comfortable with me. Because you're alive." And she smiled back at him.

When she was done with her shower, he didn't help dry her off. Instead he put one towel on the toilet seat and handed her another towel. "I think you can manage it this way."

She looked gratefully at him, glad for an opportunity for independence. She managed reasonably well. He brought her robe to her and she got it on, but he had to help tie it.

"Now what?" she asked.

"Now I usually take a shower while you start getting ready. But I can do that in the guest bathroom."

"Normal," she said. "Besides this is unfair," as she gestured between him and herself.

He smiled, a little unsure. But if she wanted to see him, he wasn't going to tell her she couldn't. Or shouldn't. Hell, he didn't know anymore. All he knew is that it felt like he was anchoring her to their past that she didn't remember but wanted to, and she was anchoring him to a future he couldn't predict, but seemed like it was going to be okay.

He reached his arm forward and opened a drawer in their bathroom cabinet. "Your makeup arsenal," he said with a smirk.

Without a backwards glance, he stepped around her and started taking off his clothes. He turned on the water and stepped in the shower. And only when he was moderately concealed by the shower spray did he glance in her direction. She was facing the mirror, watching him in the reflection, a blush tinging her cheeks, mouth slightly opened, a small smile playing on her lips. He turned away from her so she couldn't see his face and grinned.

Eight days after he thought he lost her, and ended up getting her back with virtually none of her memories of him, she was still right there with him.

* * *

><p>Emily was able to mostly get herself ready. It was slower without much use of her right hand, but manageable. Derek didn't help, except to hand her a bra already hooked so she could step into it. He felt her eyes on him when he was getting dressed.<p>

"I think my days as your shower supervisor are over, Em. What do you think?"

She smiled and nodded. Independence was so important to her, and Derek knew if she was unable to be independent this would likely look much different; she'd be too frustrated to give much thought to anything else.

She sat on the edge of the bed and he stood in front of her. "I'll be your official bra hooker and scarf tier. Other than that, it seems like you've got this," he said as he wrapped and tied the scarf around her head. She leaned her head forward so it was resting against his stomach. He thought she might say something, but she didn't. He rubbed a hand gently on her back and then stepped back to look at her face, making sure she was okay, making sure she wasn't too exhausted already.

"Still want to go out?" he asked.

"Yep."

"OK, then. The name of the restaurant is Fernando's. The owner is named Carlos; he named the restaurant after his son. He's an elderly man and he thinks you walk on water. He absolutely loves it when you come in the restaurant and he's going to wonder what happened. Are you all right with that? We could drive someplace else if you want."

"Going to see people who know me sooner or later. Let's go."

She seemed determined and he grinned. He touched her cheek and said, "You just be sure to tell me if you're getting tired. Don't push yourself too much, OK?"

"Deal."

* * *

><p>She managed the walk to the restaurant just fine, cane in her left hand, and right hand in his. After being cooped up in a hospital room for so long, she loved the cold, fresh air. She looked around and noticed the decorations in people's homes.<p>

"Almost Christmas," she said.

"Yes," he said and there was a hint of sadness in that word. She glanced at him.

"Our first one?" she asked.

Derek took a deep breath and smiled, "At our home, yes, so we better make it a good one."

Though she didn't have much strength in her right hand, he felt her give his hand a little squeeze. "We will."

When they arrived at the restaurant, Carlos spotted them right away. "Emilia" he called out, but then looked at her scarf and cane and spoke to her in Spanish, concerned and obviously asking what had happened.

He saw Emily gesture to her head and start speaking in Spanish back, and Derek's eyes widened at the same time hers did. She stopped mid-sentence and looked at Derek.

The Spanish words had rolled from her mouth with no stuttering and no slurring at all. She laughed joyfully, and he did the same. She turned back to Carlos and finished answering his question. Carlos patted her shoulder and gave them both a caring smile.

"For you, the best table in the house," he said in English, so Derek could understand.

Once they were seated, Emily asked Derek, "How? Why?"

He placed his hand over hers. "I have no idea, Em. We can call Dr. Quon in the morning. Or Reid. He'd probably know. My guess is that you're accessing a different part of your brain when you're drawing up your other languages and the roadblocks from thought to speaking aren't there. It's fantastic, Emily. It means that you still have all of the muscles and movement necessary to speak clearly - it's just going to take time. But you're going to get there."

She smiled happily. It was the first time he'd seen her actually have that radiant look on her face, and it stayed there the whole meal. She ordered for them in Spanish. They talked Christmas, about getting a tree the next day, and buying decorations because he told her they really didn't have much. She didn't even look disgruntled at the slow process of feeding herself with her left hand, choosing enchiladas so she wouldn't have to use a knife. She smiled at him a lot. Her face glowed in the candlelight.

And Derek realized after they were done eating that he hadn't once thought about how her memory was gone the entire time they were there. He only thought about how absolutely in love with her he was.

Emily was sapped of her energy when they were done; it happened quickly, how she was energized and then visibly drooped. He could see it in her face, and in her body when she stood from the table. She accepted a hug goodbye from Carlos, and then looked at Derek, clearly exhausted. He wrapped an arm around her waist and walked her out of the restaurant.

It was eight o'clock on a Saturday night, but they got lucky and got a cab right away. When Derek told the driver he only wanted to go a block, the driver turned to look at Emily, at the scarf, at her face where it was gently resting against Derek's shoulder. He nodded and didn't turn on the meter, just drove them home.

His mom and Penelope were on their couch when they got there. Emily was leaning against him and he was helping her stay upright. She smiled at them and said very sloppily, "Dinner out. Good Spanish."

Fran and Penelope returned her smile, but looked at Derek curiously. "Let me just get her into bed and then I'll come back and explain."

He carried her upstairs and got her out of her clothes and into pajamas. He took off her scarf and glanced at her staples, just checking. In reality, he hardly noticed them or her shaved head when he looked at her anymore. Her eyes were barely open, but she gave him small smiles as he helped her. He pulled back the covers and got her settled in bed.

"Thank you," she managed to mumble.

"For dinner?" he asked.

"For you," she whispered.

Derek gently pressed his lips on her cheek and whispered in her ear, "I love you, Emily. Thank you for being you, too."

* * *

><p>He went downstairs and explained to his mom and Penelope about dinner, and about how Emily could speak Spanish without any problems, how she'd remembered a piece of the day she came back from London, about what a wonderful night they had.<p>

He went and got a few pieces of blank paper from the desk in the living room and taped them together.

"What are you doing?" asked Penelope.

"I want to give her a timeline, something she can fill in when she remembers something." And he got to work while they looked on, drawing a long line across the pages. He started in 2006 and ended at today. Then he went back and filled in the things she'd already remembered, giving her the dates, giving her something visual to look at because he thought it might help.

Fran put her arm around him and kissed his cheek while he was working. "You're a good man, my son."

Penelope leaned against his other side and said, "He's the best. I can get Emily the case files when she remembers a case of ours, if you think that would be good."

Derek nodded, "Yes, I think so, but I'll ask her. What are you doing tomorrow, Pen? You up for helping us get some Christmas decorations? She really wants a tree."

"Shopping!" said Penelope happily. Then she gave Derek a hug and got up to leave, saying she'd call in the morning.

It wasn't long after that that Derek headed to bed as well, just not wanting to be away from Emily that long. He hadn't talked to her about their sleeping arrangements, but she'd had no problem with him laying next to her in the hospital bed the past couple of nights, so he decided joining her in their bed was probably fine.

He dressed in sweats and a t-shirt and looked at her. She'd moved so she was almost in the middle of the bed, laying on her left side, and he chose to crawl in behind her. He laid on his left side as well, and tentatively and gently put his arm around her middle. He felt her stir slightly, and then he felt her hand touch his arm and her body scoot back closer to his. He smiled and held her a little more firmly.

Derek found some irony in the fact that the very thing that had gotten them to this point, her ability to compartmentalize and move in a forward path without letting herself get too overwhelmed, was the same thing that was a moving them forward together now. They both just needed to make sure she continued to be able to do that while dealing with everything she needed to deal with. He still marveled at how she was managing all of this.

Over Emily's shoulder, Derek could see the bag he'd had at the hospital on the floor of their bedroom. In that bag was her engagement ring that he'd picked up from the jewelers the day before, on his way back from Quantico. Though he'd gotten very emotional after picking up the ring, he got himself together before arriving back at the hospital. He felt confident that she'd be wearing it someday soon.

He wasn't sure if it was because she was so exhausted, or because she felt comfortable and safe in their home even though she didn't remember it - for whatever the reason, Emily didn't have a nightmare that night.


	13. Chapter 13

Emily thought of her brain as a filing system, with three distinct drawers. There was her 2006 and before self, which she remembered and didn't feel like it was that long ago. There was the past nine years, where she slowly started filling in the memories. And there was the present, which she almost scary comfortable within such a short time.

Each morning, she woke up and focused herself on the present - of their bedroom, of Derek's body solidly pressed against her. She treated the memories she had of him in the time since her injury as a gift. She wasn't quite sure how she managed to get a man like him, but she had him and she knew he wasn't going anywhere.

When they were shopping for Christmas decorations with Penelope and Fran, Emily discovered she hated the stares other people gave her with her scarf on, like she was two steps away from death's door instead of the opposite. She was living, and though she knew she absolutely had been living the past nine years despite the ups and downs that she couldn't remember, she couldn't help the feeling that tickled in the back of her head that this was a more genuine form of living. Derek and JJ knew the real truth, something she knew she'd never told them before. She was living with no secrets from her past. She just wished her mind would give her the secrets it was holding.

She asked Derek about a wig, and he found a professional wig shop and made an appointment for them to go there after her doctor's appointment the next day, when she'd get her staples out.

She laid on the couch and napped while Derek and Fran got the tree upright and into the stand and set up in the area in front of their front window. She would have a big tree for the neighbors to see, something she never remembered having in her adult life. Derek told her the team was going to stop by to say hello later in the afternoon if that was okay with her. He said JJ wanted to bring Henry and Will. She nodded and fell asleep on the couch.

She napped for a long time, and awoke when there was a knock on the front door - JJ, with Henry and Will. Emily had another one of those moments where she was assaulted with a memory that took her by surprise. She looked at Will. "There was a case in New York. You were there. You showed up at our hotel? That's when we found out JJ was pregnant."

Will laughed and gave Emily a hug. "That's exactly right," he said. Emily wrote that memory on the timeline Derek had made for her.

Her heart gave quite a tug at Henry, who knew Emily and smiled happily when he saw her. She played along for him so he didn't get confused. He told her her scarf was pretty. And in the file of the past she didn't remember, she gave herself some credit for obviously developing some sort of relationship with Henry even though she must have been thinking of Declan when he was around. Because she certainly was in that moment.

Hotch, Reid and Rossi showed up a little later. They all helped decorate the tree. They all seemed very happy that Emily was up and standing and smiling and talking however slurred without the use of the iPad, even though there was one there ready to go with the application she used if she needed it. Hotch explained that they'd all wanted to stop by because last week, when she was in the hospital, he'd told their Section Chief that they weren't taking any cases, but the next day they'd be back to the regular routine and they'd likely have to travel and wouldn't be around as much. That made her a little sad, but she was distracted by Henry, who was being adorable while he helped with the tree. She had to blink back tears.

Reid was fascinated by the fact that she could speak Spanish so well, coming to the same conclusion that Derek had and explaining the parts of the brain that accessed and stored second languages and how there were studies of people whose brains actually grew because of their acquisition of other languages.

Rossi looked at Emily and said, "You probably have a huge brain, then, Emily." And she laughed. He was a kind man.

Reid continued, "No one fully understands the brain and how it works. I was reading up on this. For instance, there was a young woman who had a bullet cross through both hemispheres of her brain, rattled around inside and lodged there. The doctors basically told her parents to call their priest; that no one survived something like that. She went to her homecoming dance a month later. There's not a single person that can tell you how you're going to recover from this or when, but I'm willing to bet you're going to continue to blow your doctor's mind."

Emily hugged him. She couldn't help herself. And it occurred to her not for the first time how affectionate she was with the group of them, how natural it felt. She didn't remember ever being this affectionate in her life. It was part of her present, and probably her past that she couldn't remember, that she liked the most about herself.

When they all left that evening after a dinner made by Fran, Fran excused herself to the guest bedroom. Emily sat with Derek on the couch and looked at the lights and decorations on the tree. For the first time in a couple of days, a few tears escaped her eyes. She leaned her head against his chest and he tightened his arm around her.

"Henry was hard," she whispered.

"I know," he said, and pressed his lips on her head, against her scarf.

They lapsed into more silence, and Emily decided she didn't want to talk about Henry and Declan right now. She was hopeful about processing this with the therapist the next week and in the future, and she'd talk about it with him. But not tonight. It had been too wonderful a day. She thought back to him at the Christmas tree lot, how he'd grabbed a Santa hat off the stand, put it on his head and kept her laughing. She thought about their friends and Fran and how comfortable she was in their home after less than two days.

"This is a happy home, like JJ said it was," she said.

"Of course it is, Emily."

"I never thought I'd have one," she whispered.

Derek pulled away from her and placed a hand on her chin, to tilt her face up towards him. He pressed his lips gently against hers and Emily put her left hand on the back of his neck, not wanting him to pull away. He deepened the kiss and she felt her heart accelerate in panic that quickly turned to passion. He had one arm around her back and the other hand on her neck and he kissed her until she hardly thought she could keep breathing. No memory rushed at her and she thought maybe she didn't have a place for that in this moment because her head was too crowded with such an overwhelming sense of contentment and happiness and love and safety.

When she thought she might pass out from lack of oxygen, she pulled her lips away from his.

He laughed quietly and joyfully and said, "I love you. I love the Emily you were before. And I love this Emily." And she knew he meant it. He loved the Emily in front of him right now, the one who was emotionally fragile, who'd finally shared all of her secrets, the one who could barely remember a thing about them.

* * *

><p>The next day they went to see Dr. Quon and her staples came out. The scar on her forehead wasn't terrible. It was still pretty red, but wasn't too raised. It wasn't something makeup couldn't handle for the most part until it faded. The scar on her scalp was a different story. It stood out in stark contrast to the stubble that was now growing on her head. She stared at it for a bit, and then laughed, thinking about JJ telling her that it looked kind of bad ass. It did.<p>

Dr. Quon asked her to speak Spanish, and she did clearly, to his astonishment. She also rattled off some sentences in French, Russian and Arabic. He laughed and shook his head. Though he was still fascinated by her memory loss, he wasn't curious to the point that made her irritated. All he said was that he loved his job because just when he thought he'd seen everything, someone's brain would come along and make him think he hadn't seen anything at all yet.

At the wig shop, Emily quickly decided she liked the human hair wigs the best because they looked the most natural. Then she looked at the price tags of the few she liked and she was stunned. Derek didn't even blink, and she thought maybe something logical to question him about next would be their finances because she honestly had no clue where they were at. She imagined pretty comfortable, but she didn't know.

The woman at the shop was lovely, explaining what went into caring for her wig. Emily decided on a medium-length bob with some wispy bangs that parted to the right and would mostly cover the scar on the forehead. It was her natural dark hair color. Aside from the bangs and a little bit of length missing, it wasn't all that different than her very last memory before starting the BAU, looking at herself in her mirror that morning and psyching herself up for what was to come.

She caught Derek's eyes and saw that he was struggling to keep his emotions in check. She was as well. Ten days after a fairly large piece of metal imbedded itself in her brain, she looked normal.

* * *

><p>By the time Christmas rolled around, she'd seen her speech and physical therapists twelve times. Things were drastically improving. She still sometimes stuttered, and when she was tired, she spoke like she was drunk, and when she was really emotional, she had a hard time finding words at all. But when things were going well and she was well-rested, she could talk well enough that even strangers didn't wonder if something was wrong. She lost the cane and started walking longer distances with Derek. She had control of her right arm again, but not her hand; that still had a mind of its own, but it was getting better. Those sessions were cut to once a week and she was given exercises to do.<p>

She'd seen the therapist from the FBI three times. Fran left the house during her sessions and Derek stayed up in the bedroom, headphones on, not wanting to eavesdrop, but wanting to be there for her immediately after if she needed him.

After the first session, the nightmares had been so vivid and continuous that they were both up most of the night and it took Derek a long time to convince her that Ian Doyle really was dead. It was a little better after the second session.

The third session, on December twenty-third, she started talking to Dr. Kelley about Declan. It was painful and emotional, and that made it more difficult for her to articulate. She used the iPad when she needed to. A thought came to her that she didn't expect and had never really thought about. She typed, "I used a little boy to keep me emotionally grounded in a horrible situation. By the time we got out of there, I didn't know where Declan ended and I began."

Dr. Kelley nodded, "And so when you cut off ties with him for his safety, you felt completely lost."

"Yes."

"Can you think of the moment when you felt like you really started finding yourself again?" Dr. Kelley asked.

She was assaulted by a memory that instantly had her in tears. It took her a long time to compose herself and type. "My friend Matthew was murdered. Instead of running from the team, I went to them for help. I shared a lot about myself, especially to Rossi. It was when I realized I loved the whole team completely. They all helped me. I was vulnerable and I didn't hide from them and they were there for me."

And then she dissolved into tears again. Matthew was dead. After a few minutes, she got herself together and looked at Dr. Kelley.

"What are you thinking, Emily?"

She typed, "I'm mad at myself because I should have trusted them when Doyle resurfaced, but I ran away and it made a mess of everything."

"Those were very different circumstances with a lot of competing emotions from what you've shared and I've gathered, Emily."

She nodded at the truth of that statement, but she still felt angry with herself, and really a complete mess. They were out of time and they really hadn't touched much regarding Declan. That would have to wait until after the New Year because Dr. Kelley was going out of town for the holidays, and Emily was frustrated that she'd have to wait.

Derek came downstairs as soon as he heard Dr. Kelley leave. He took one look at Emily and wrapped her in a hug that she returned. "Matthew's dead?" she asked quietly. And he knew what she was talking about and confirmed the truth. She cried for awhile on his shoulder and then stepped back.

"I want to walk, by myself. I just need some space. I won't go far," she said.

She could see he wasn't sure about this, but he handed her her iPhone, which she knew was set up with location services. "You call if you need me to come get you. Don't go far."

She nodded and brushed her hand across her cheek. "I'll be okay. I just need a breather."

She put on her jacket and was out the door. She wandered around the corner and down the block and found herself in front of Fernando's. It was ten-thirty in the morning and the front door was open as the staff set up tables on the heated patio. Another memory came to Emily, about Carlos and Fernando, the son his restaurant was named after.

She felt compelled to go in and see Carlos and she found him in the kitchen, preparing food.

"Emilia," he whispered when he saw her, taking in her face and puffy eyes.

She started crying again and he hugged her and she let him. And she spilled her guts in Spanish to this kind, grandfatherly-type man she hardly knew at all. She found herself talking to him about Declan, not giving him the whole story about Doyle or who he was, but giving enough so he'd get the gist.

When she stopped talking, he pulled away from her. "You wash your hands and face, and then you can help me work and we'll talk," he told her in beautifully flowing Spanish.

Emily nodded and did as he told her. She removed her jacket, washed up, and he handed her a knife, a cutting board and a bowl of tomatoes. He told her about the memory she'd only had a hint of outside the restaurant, about his little son Fernando who was six when Carlos left to cross the border and find a life for their family in the United States. About how Fernando was killed in Mexico before he could send for the rest of his family. About how he struggled with that loss every day, but had learned to live a good life.

Emily cut the tomatoes slowly with her right hand, she talked to him in Spanish and English. In Carlos she found a psychologist, physical and speech therapist beyond compare.

By the time Derek wandered into the restaurant kitchen an hour later, Emily was in an apron, stirring sauce in a large pot, much more composed.

"New career?" he asked and smiled at her.

"Another therapist," she said, lifting her chin at Carlos.

Derek laughed lightly. "Whatever works, Em."

She looked Derek in the eyes and smiled, "I love you, you know."


	14. Chapter 14

When Emily had left the house after her therapy appointment, Derek got on his phone and watched her movements with location services. He was surprised when she stopped at Fernando's, and stayed. His mom came home from the grocery store and asked, "Is Emily napping?"

Derek shook his head, "I think she's at Fernando's talking to Carlos. She's been there for about twenty minutes. It was a hard therapy session today and she said she needed some space." And then he told his mom a bit about Matthew and that case from so many years ago. He didn't understand how Matthew had come up when her intent in therapy that day was to talk about Declan. There must be some connection, but he couldn't find it.

After another half hour, when he was feeling torn between going to her and giving her space, his mom gave him a hug and said, "She's got to be exhausted. She usually naps after therapy, and today she went for a walk and apparently is talking more. You should go check in, Derek. There's only so much processing a person can do in a single day; I remember that well from when your father was killed. Even though I wanted to keep talking until every sad feeling left me, I learned that that wasn't how healing worked."

Derek nodded. He knew this as well. He walked quickly to Fernando's and found her in the kitchen. She looked better than when she'd left the house. And when she'd turned her head and said she loved him, he almost fell over. He felt like something had shifted in her, but she really was exhausted - too exhausted to talk anymore in that moment. It was something he'd seen several times the past few weeks, how the rush of adrenaline and energy left her quickly and she went from coherent and upright to weak and inarticulate. Carlos helped Derek walk her home. She kept trying to mumble something he couldn't understand. When they got to their front door, Carlos affectionately patted Emily's cheek and then grasped Derek's shoulder. "She's a strong one," he said before walking back towards the restaurant.

Emily napped for over three hours, but when she woke up, she called him upstairs. He laid down next to her on his side, facing her. He was prepared for her to want to talk about Matthew; instead he got something totally unexpected.

"Carlos is a wonderful man, and quite poetic," she told him with a grin. "He told me my mistake was trying to forget about Declan, that our minds and hearts would never let us forget who we loved and lost, and you could go crazy trying. He said to think of who we've lost like a flower, and we are the soil and water and sun that keeps the flower alive inside us. The only way to do that is to make sure we are living our lives the best we can, and loving and caring about ourselves and other people. He called it keeping the soil rich, and he said that is how you learn to live a full life around a loss."

Derek reached out and touched her cheek, "He sounds like a good person to talk to, Em. He's a nice man and he sounds pretty brilliant."

"He is. And apparently my brain agrees that talking to him was a good thing, because it gave me a gift in return. We sure were ridiculous, weren't we?" she asked with a bright smile on her face.

Derek was confused. "Ridiculous about what?"

Emily deepened her voice and drew up a quote from their past. Something he'd said to her. A memory they both wanted her to have. "_It really could be casual, Emily." _

Derek was stunned. "You remember the first time?"

She laughed. "Every detail, Derek. You kissed me and I said it was a very bad idea, and you probably thought I was thinking about work. But I wasn't. I thought it was a bad idea because I already knew I loved you and I had no clue how I was going to keep pretending it was casual. And I remember catching your eyes a few times and I knew you felt the same way."

"Emily," he whispered, and leaned forward to kiss her, and for the first time, he felt he was kissing _his_ Emily, the one from before Thanksgiving, like the invisible strings that connected them were back and in full functioning order. They'd kissed like this a couple of times in the past few weeks, but he could tell it felt different to her, too. There was no tentativeness that came from a new discovery that made her slightly nervous; she was finding her old self, too. Her arms were around him and neither one of them could get close enough.

Derek moved his mouth to kiss her neck and she sighed and said breathlessly, "And I was nervous. That was the first time since Doyle, but you didn't know that. I just told you it had been a long time. And I trusted you. And after, when we were making up those stupid rules, all I kept thinking was how my heart felt full for the first time ever. I smiled the whole drive home. I almost turned the car around twice to come back and say, 'fuck the rules.'"

He pulled his head away from her and whispered, "After you left, I laid on the floor in my living room for a long time wishing you were still there, but I was happy, too. And in love. I knew that then, too."

"How long did we keep pretending?"

"About five months."

"Wow. That's impressive," she said with a grin, and then pulled him down for another kiss. He was thankful she didn't ask more because after that things got pretty sad, and then very ugly for a long time, and he didn't want to ruin this moment.

He moved his hand under her sweater, reveling in the feel of her skin where he wasn't helping shower or dress or undress, just getting to touch her. But then they heard loud laughter floating up the stairs.

"Damn," he breathed out.

Emily raised her eyebrows and then remembered. "Baking pies?"

"Yes. Penelope, Rossi and Reid are here, and my mom is teaching them the fine art of pie baking," he sighed.

She grinned at him, "Sounds like part of a good Christmas."

"I guess so," he said grumpily. And she laughed.

"Come on. Let's go bake some pies." And the look she gave him took his breath away. It was a look he hadn't seen since the accident. It was past Emily talking to the Derek she knew. He felt like he wanted to run down to Fernando's and wrap Carlos in a giant hug. He followed her to their bathroom where she got her wig back on. "Emily, this has been a hell of a day for you. How do you do this?"

She turned to look at him. "It has been a hell of a day, you're right. But the past has felt really close for me, Derek. I didn't know how I was ever going to bridge the gap in terms of anything physical between us while Doyle felt so close in my mind. But then I remembered that first time, and I realized I already had bridged that gap. It took a lot of weight off my shoulders. My head can only hold so much, so at a certain point I just have to choose what I'm going to focus on. I'm sad about Matthew, but I'm confident in healing regarding Declan, and I'm confident in us."

* * *

><p>Downstairs, Emily sat at the kitchen island and watched the activity. Derek noticed that she kept looking at Reid and Penelope, but mostly Rossi. They noticed her stares as well. Finally, blinking back tears, she looked at Rossi and whispered, "I remembered about Matthew this morning."<p>

Everything got very quiet and Rossi smiled understandingly at her, "I'm sorry, Emily. That must have been difficult. But now you have a solid memory that let's you know just how much we all care about you."

She nodded. "I know. I just can't remember if I thanked you for that. So, thank you," she whispered to him.

Rossi patted her shoulder, "Anytime, Emily. We're a family. We're always here for each other."

She put her hand over his and smiled and nodded.

After that, joy and fun came back to their pie-baking party. The group must have realized that Emily had remembered something else because Derek was much more relaxed and affectionate with her in front of them, and Emily returned the gestures.

Fran kept looking at them and grinning. After awhile she said, "Spencer, Penelope, David and I were thinking of going to a movie this evening after the pies are done."

"We were?" asked Reid.

Penelope rolled her eyes at him, "Yes, we were."

Reid looked at her and then at Fran who was giving him her "mom look." It almost made Derek laugh at loud.

"Oh, that's right, we were," said Reid.

Fran nodded. "Do you think you two could manage to get the pies covered and in the fridge after they cool?" she asked Derek and Emily.

"Absolutely," said Derek. And his heart started beating faster at the idea of being alone with Emily. He had no idea how this would go, what she was up for, where she'd stop, if the time between that moment in the bedroom and now had been too long for her to want anything at all.

When the group left about an hour later, he closed the front door behind them and turned to look at Emily. She was nervous, he could see that. But she smiled at him and said, "It's entirely weird that your mom made up plans to leave us alone, like she knows exactly what we're going to be up to."

Derek laughed and shrugged his shoulders.

She inhaled deeply. "Well, come on, then," she said quietly, still with a smile on her face, and turned to head up the stairs.

He followed right behind her. Part of him wanted to tell her that they didn't have to do anything, and another part of him wanted to get down on his knees and ask her to let him show her that this could be gentle and kind and full of love and to trust him. He realized that after reading her journal, he was nervous as well, which was pretty ridiculous because they'd had some wild times in their house, but she didn't remember them.

The first thing she did was take off her wig and put it on its stand. Then she came and stood right in front of him. She searched his eyes for several seconds and then whispered, "I'm not scared. I'm nervous, but I'm not scared."

He wasn't sure if she was trying to convince him or herself, and his perspective shifted. He acknowledged that this was a big deal. Less than four weeks before, she'd woken up thinking it was 2006, that the man in her nightmares was very much a real threat, and she didn't know Derek at all. She had a couple of real memories of the two of them to grasp onto now, but other than that, she'd just climbed a precipice in four weeks that had originally taken her four years to get to.

And he felt entirely uncomfortable with that because it wasn't like they were just going to do this and it was going to be a reset. Her memories would come back, and some of their shared memories were unpleasant. He couldn't just ride the wave of one good memory because it happened to be the right one. If what had rushed back to her was that moment in the hospital with Savannah, or those awful ten months after she came back from the dead and he kept her in limbo, letting her in and quickly shutting her out again so she didn't get too close because he was still so angry with her, sex likely would have been the last thing on her mind. He felt like he was almost taking advantage of her by doing this without her knowing their whole story, at least to the point where she came back from London.

She looked curiously at him, wondering why he hadn't moved to kiss her yet. He sighed and took her hand. "You have no idea how badly I want this, but I can't until you know what happened with us and how we got here. It just feels wrong, like I have the whole story and you only have a short chapter. So you have to make a choice: We can wait until those memories come back on their own, or I can tell you. I can keep it brief, but I just feel like I need you to know before we do this."

Emily raised her eyebrows at him, and then raised her hand to his cheek. "You tell me," she whispered.

He guided her to the bed and sat with his back against the headboard, pulling her into the V of his legs so her back was resting against his chest. He kept his arms gently around her and he told her. He started right after their first time and explained how they'd spent five months using last names, keeping their eyes shut, never spending the night, and pretending. He told her about the night they'd finally kept their eyes opened and acknowledged how they felt, about how she stayed that night and that was the first and only time they slept in the same bed until she came back from London. He told her about almost getting caught and how they'd put their walls back up and the frequency became much less. And then he told her about the night she came to his house and made up a story about needing to end things completely, how he now knew that was the night she found out Doyle had escaped.

She didn't interrupt. She listened with heavy breathing and an occasional brush of hand on her cheek, wiping away a tear. Derek continued and told her about the ten months after she came back from Paris, when he was so angry, but still so in love and he didn't know what to do because he was afraid to let her in again. How she finally decided to leave for London, telling him firmly that she didn't feel the same way about him anymore, which he now knew wasn't true. He told her about Savannah, and what he knew about her and Clyde Easter. About how she'd found out about him and Savannah and had fallen apart, but he didn't know it; he thought she'd let him go.

"I almost made a monumental mistake and moved to Chicago to be with Savannah, but my mother knocked some sense into me. Then I emailed you and told you I still felt the same way about you and asked if you still shared any of those same feelings. And you woke up your pilots in the middle of the night and took an Interpol plane and beat me to Turner Field so you could tell me in person that you still loved me. And that night you stayed in this very bed, in this very house, and we decided to call this home. That was a little over a year ago. We spent last Christmas in London packing up your flat."

He quieted and squeezed his arms around her gently. "Em?" he asked quietly after a several seconds.

"I hurt you. I lied and I hurt you so many times. You loved me and I let you think I was dead for seven months. And you forgave me," she whispered.

"I didn't tell you this so you'd feel bad. It was a long time ago, Emily. I love you and I got you back and I let it go."

"And knowing what I do about me, I probably shied away from acknowledging the level of hurt I caused, and you were just quick to forgive and move on." She wiped her eyes again and turned her body placing one knee on either side of his hips. She ran her fingertips down the side of his face and said, "I can't believe you loved me enough to forgive me."

She reached down and pulled off her sweater, and then pulled her bra over her head, not bothering to fumble with the hooks. She leaned forward and put her hand back on his face. "I'm not scared. I'm not even nervous anymore." And then she kissed him, and it was nothing like the kisses they'd shared since she'd been hurt, not even the kiss a few hours ago. She tugged him to a sitting position and pulled his shirt off and pressed her body against his and their arms were around each other and her hands were running gentle paths up and down his back.

Derek wasn't quite sure what was happening. This was supposed to be about something loving and gentle for her, and instead he felt a moment of role-reversal, like each touch of hers was a silent, healing apology for the hurt she'd caused him, that she now knew but didn't remember. She was the same Emily he knew and loved, her skin felt and tasted and smelled the same and he wanted to meld himself against her and never let her go. Her touches may have been about an apology, but his were about finally being able to celebrate that she was alive.

He turned them and gently laid her down on the pillows. "You just tell me if you need me to stop," he said.

She gave him a small smile, "Not a chance." And that smile never left her face as he stood and quickly removed the rest of his clothing.

He crawled over her and kissed a gentle path from her lips, down her chest and stomach and stopped to undo the button on her jeans and pull down the zipper. She lifted her hips off the bed to help him remove her pants and underwear and then he kissed a path back up her leg. He felt her start trembling slightly when he reached her upper thigh. He looked up at her. Her eyes were closed and she was biting her bottom lip. He couldn't tell if she was trembling in fear or anticipation. In her mind, it had been a very long time, no matter which timeline she might be using, when in reality it had just been the night before his mother arrived for Thanksgiving when they'd done this. They'd made love in every possible position, in this room and other parts of the house, throughout the past year. And yet, he felt like this was the first time ever in a lot of ways, because for her, it was. It was a total mind-fuck for sure, and he didn't want to blow it.

His mouth hovered over her and she raised her hips ever so slightly as a slight blush crossed her cheeks. He smiled and bent his head, running his tongue through her folds, intoxicated by the familiarity of her taste. And she reacted, moaning and moving her hips, and he tried to stay focused, but what he felt like doing was either laughing or crying in pure joy and relief. He'd anticipated and prepared himself for possibly months or longer of waiting and uncertainty, yet here they were, just weeks later.

After a couple of minutes, he felt her hand on his head, and she gasped out, "Derek, stamina is really not my strong suit right now." Her words were slurred, either from exhaustion or emotion.

He stopped and kissed his way back up her body. He was about to ask her if she was okay or if she was too tired, but he felt her legs wrap around him and had his answer.

"Emily, open your eyes," he whispered. She did and he never blinked as he slowly entered her.

Her breathing got heavier and her arms wrapped more tightly around him. She tried to say something, but she couldn't make her mouth move the right way. She whispered, "I...I..." but couldn't get any further. Finally, "No tengo palabras para lo mucho que Te amo." spilled from her lips.

Derek smiled, "I have no idea what that means, but it sounds pretty good."

She smiled and then moaned when he started moving inside her. Emily moved her hips as well and they set a slow and steady rhythm that he wasn't about to change unless she indicated she wanted that. He felt like his heart might explode. He'd never felt emotions like this, not their first time, not the time they let their walls down, not when she came back from London. This was her being alive and trusting him with everything, with no secrets left.

He whispered, "I love you. You're beautiful."

She pulled his head down to hers and kissed him and started moving her hips faster, and he ran his hand down the side of her body and under her, tilting her pelvis slightly in the angle he knew drove her crazy. She gasped and lifted her legs a bit higher and he watched her face as a flush spread across her skin. Everything was so familiar and so new at the same time. The flush, followed by her tightening around him and then the explosion followed by wave after wave of aftershocks. He followed right after her, keeping his head above hers so she could see his face.

After, he kissed her lips and neck and kept his body around hers while their heartbeats slowed. She kissed his shoulder and ran her hands up and down his back. And when she caught her breath, she was able to articulate, "I have no words for how much I love you. That's what I was trying to say."

Derek raised himself up to look at her face and she gasped and tears filled her eyes, something he'd come to learn was associated with a memory.

Her words were slurred, she was exhausted and emotional, but he could understand her. "There were leaves. We were outside. I asked you to marry me."


	15. Chapter 15

_Author's note at the end..._

* * *

><p>Emily felt like she was living just this side of full-blown narcolepsy. It was the most frustrating part of her recovery, that even in the moment of recalling an amazing and beautiful memory, she couldn't force her eyes to stay open. <em>She remembered it in blinding technicolor - she remembered being outside, and the gorgeous foliage and asking Derek to marry her, and him laughing and saying that was supposed to be his line.<em>

She wanted to talk and she couldn't anymore. Her last conscious remembrance of that night was Derek whispering in her ear, "And I said, 'Yes.'"

The next thing she became aware of was the morning light filtering through their bedroom window. Derek's naked body was spooned behind hers, holding her tightly against him. She smiled, thinking of the night before. It was crazy to think that she'd never experienced anything like it when the reality was she'd probably had similar experiences with him more times than she could count or keep track of, if she could only remember. She thought she'd guessed what love was, but this was something else entirely. She was honest when she told him she didn't have words for it; she didn't. It wasn't about everything they'd experienced that she didn't remember - what made it truly remarkable and without words to describe was everything that happened after her injury, that she'd forgotten everything and he loved her enough to never falter in his feelings. She was the air he lived and breathed whether she remembered everything, or never did. To him, she was herself, someone she loved completely. Her memories were secondary.

He must have felt her stirring, because he kissed her shoulder and she felt him smile against her skin.

"Did you remember to take care of the pies?" she asked.

And he laughed quietly. "Yes. Do you remember everything else?"

"Yes," she whispered.

His lips moved up and he kissed her on her neck. "We came home from Vermont and went back to work that Monday. The next weekend was busy with Henry's birthday party and the store we wanted to go to was closed on Sundays. We went to the store the following Saturday and we couldn't stop laughing, not because it was funny, but because we didn't know what else to do with the emotions. You picked out a ring, sapphires and diamonds. It had to be special ordered. I picked it up the Friday before you left the hospital. The only person who knows is my mom."

Emily was quiet for several seconds, absorbing that information. "Can I see it?" she asked quietly.

"Of course."

She felt another kiss on her shoulder and then his arms moved away from her and she felt him shifting off the bed. She turned on her back and watched him opening one of his dresser drawers, turning back towards her seconds later with a small box. Her heartbeat sped up to a frantic pace, insecurity plaguing her.

"Wait," she hissed, just as he was getting back onto the bed. She stood up. It wasn't her nakedness that bothered her; he'd seen that plenty of times in her actual memory, and hundreds of times she didn't remember. She went for her wig, got it situated on her head, and returned to the bed, placing the sheets around her body.

"Are you doing that for me or you?" he asked while looking at her head.

She couldn't meet his eyes. "You."

"So you'd look more like the person I wanted to marry?" he guessed.

She could only nod, still not meeting his eyes. She felt his hands gently on her head, pulling the wig off. "You, exactly as you are, are who I want to marry. Always."

Her memory flashed at her like a camera, several times and several backdrops where he'd told her "Always." She couldn't place them into any sort of context, but something about that word resonated with her. She lifted her eyes to meet his. He opened the box he had in his hands and looked at her. Her eyes welled with tears. She'd picked this ring out and she had no memory of it, but it was beautiful, exactly like something she would have chosen. Her emotions warred inside her for a few seconds; this felt like it was too soon and not soon enough. She had a multitude of blank spots in her memory that made it feel like too soon, and snippets that made it feel like it wasn't soon enough. And her heart. Her heart knew, whether she had full recollection of the back story or not. She went with that. Trusting this man had not failed her yet and she wasn't about to second guess it.

Her right hand was being cooperative after a full night's rest. She reached it out gently and placed it against his cheek. She held her left hand out to him. His smile was worth a thousands times more than any uncertainty she felt. The ring slipped on her finger. And she felt totally, completely grounded for the first time since she woke up in in the hospital.

"This is exactly right," she said.

"It is," he whispered before pressing his lips to hers. The sheet fell away and he pulled her closer to him.

"Your mom," she mumbled against his lips.

"I saw her late last night. She said she was going for a hike early this morning but she'd be back by ten."

Emily looked at him curiously. "With who?"

He fluttered his eyelids and sighed dramatically, "David." Then he shook his head. "That's exactly how she said it last night when I asked her. Ugh. I don't even want to think about it. She's about ten years older than he is."

Emily laughed. "She doesn't look or act like it. I could see it."

"Emily. Please. I beg of you to stop. That is the last thought I want in my head right now."

She laughed again, but then pulled him into a kiss that went on and on. She shifted her body and he followed her movement, landing on his back while she straddled him. "You realize if we do this now, I'm probably going to need to sleep for awhile and you're going to have to get things started for the crew that's coming over for dinner, right?" she asked.

"Totally worth it," he said with a grin.

She smiled at him and trailed a gentle finger over his lips, and she took off in her memory where her need for sleep had deprived her of speaking the night before. His eyes never left hers. She trailed her fingers over his chest and whispered, "You talked me out of my clothes in that forest. I was on top of you just like this." She shifted her hips up and used her left hand to get him in the right position. She sank down on him and they both sighed. She had to catch her breath for a few seconds before she could continue speaking. "The wind kicked up and there were leaves falling all around us." She gasped as she continued to move on him.

Derek had his hands on her hips. He picked up the story for her, "And I asked you to say it again."

Emily glanced at the ring on her finger before looking him in the eye. "Marry me," she whispered.

"Yes."

And Emily felt it then, like she was right back in that moment, the unseasonably warm fall air around her, the leaves falling on her body, the feeling of everything right in the world.

* * *

><p>She did need to sleep for quite a long time after that. It was very late morning before she got up and showered and got ready. When she came downstairs, Derek and Fran were working in the kitchen. Derek must have told Fran because she took a brief glance at Emily's left hand before wrapping her in a hug.<p>

"I told you before, and I'll gladly say it again. Welcome to the family."

Emily could only hug her back. Fran's face was right after Derek's and JJ's in terms of what she first clung to when she woke up in the hospital. She didn't really have words to express how she felt about this woman who always had a smile and loving face for her in the moments of fear and bewilderment. Fran pulled away from her and patted her cheek and Emily became aware of the wonderful smells in the kitchen, the warmth in the house. When she turned to the right, she could see a corner of the Christmas tree twinkling with lights in the living room. Had she ever had a Christmas like this, one filled with so much love? She knew she hadn't before 2006, and she would take a bet that she hadn't since then.

Fran put her to work in the kitchen, and Derek dropped kisses on her cheek and wrapped his arms around her whenever he could between his assigned tasks. Emily did some prep work, but she didn't stay awake for very long. She actually dropped off into sleepiness far sooner than she would have anticipated, sitting on a stool in the kitchen. The past thirty or so hours had been quite a bit for her body to handle.

She felt Derek's arms around her and felt herself being carried upstairs.

She mumbled, "I hate this."

Derek got her on the bed and removed her wig. He kissed her cheek. "It's getting better, Em. We probably pushed it a bit too much is all. You sleep. You have several hours before people get here, and we'll have a good evening. I love you."

"I love you, too." It was barely intelligible, even to her own ears.

* * *

><p>They did have a wonderful Christmas Eve. The whole team was there, along with Will, Jack and Henry. Emily enjoyed them all. Derek stayed close to her that night, and they all noticed the ring and congratulated them, all curious about what changes had transpired. But they didn't ask too many questions. Except for JJ. She didn't say anything out loud, but Emily felt like she had a conversation with her just by looking at her. It was a very strange thing, the idea that she was so close to JJ that a look could contain a conversation that could be understood.<p>

At a certain point, Emily was sitting next to JJ in in the kitchen when Rossi brushed his arm gently across Fran's back. JJ turned to look at Emily with her eyebrows raised. Emily laughed quietly and shrugged her shoulders.

When Fran and Rossi left the kitchen and they were reasonably alone, Emily said to JJ, "I feel like I'm forgetting to remember a lot about you that I should. I'm frustrated that my mind isn't giving me those memories yet."

And JJ laughed. She put her arm around Emily and said, "Don't worry about it. I'm thinking you've got enough to remember without your energies focused on me. I'm thinking your brain knows that I'm going to be your friend no matter what. You trust me?"

"Yes."

"We're friends?"

"Yes."

"That's good enough for me, Emily."

"But someday I'm going to remember, JJ. I just wish it was now. I wish I could have all of it back now."

JJ touched the ring on Emily's finger and then placed her hand on Emily's face and turned it towards the other parts of the house where everyone was enjoying each other and having a good time. "Maybe start thinking about it like you do have it all back already, Em."

* * *

><p>Emily had a vague memory of falling asleep on the couch towards the end of their Christmas Eve party the night before. All she knew was that she awoke in pajamas in bed on Christmas morning, and Derek's arms were around her. Her first feelings were of nervousness. It was Christmas day and they were supposed to go to Tom and Declan's house for brunch. Emily took a deep breath and tried to gather strength from everything that had happened in the past couple of days. Still, she had butterflies in her stomach.<p>

Those butterflies remained there throughout their waking and getting ready. She kept checking the clock. She wasn't quite sure what she was nervous about. Forgetting or remembering? With Declan, it was hard to know. For everything else since she'd woken up in the hospital, all she wanted to do was remember, but with Declan, forgetting was such an engrained part of her persona. She tried to accept that she needed to let all of the feelings in and deal with them. Her legs wouldn't stop shaking all morning.

But then, when they were walking out the door and her stomach was jumping around, Fran's hand on her back, Derek stopped in the doorway and said, "I think there's something out here for you, Emily."

On her front stoop sat a beautiful orchid in a pot. She saw "Emilia" on the envelope leaning against the pot, and she bent to pick it up. She read the card and smiled, tears in her eyes.

Emily took Derek's hand. "It says, 'Remember to embrace and enjoy Declan today. Love him and love yourself. Keep your soil rich. I'm looking forward to hearing about it. Merry Christmas. Love, Carlos."

With the encouragement of Carlos, and the love and strength of Derek and Fran, she did enjoy that brunch. Declan was a charming young man who obviously cared about her and was overjoyed to see her up and talking and looking relatively healthy. Tom was a sweet friend who cared about her as well. Declan kept them entertained with stories about school, the sports he played and his friends. Emily could sense him wanting to keep the mood light and happy, and she followed along. Her mind would drift sometimes to the little boy she missed out on seeing grow up, but Declan would draw her back into the present quickly. She stayed in the moment and rode his mood. She remembered to keep her soil rich, to love and express herself freely and keep Declan alive in her heart.

When she was close to wiped out and they were leaving, Declan thrust a box in her hands and kissed her cheek. "I didn't want any tears today when you were here. I just wanted to talk and get to know you as part of my life again. But I want you to have this. Open it when you're rested."

Emily hugged him and slurred out, "I am part of your life again." It was part question and part statement.

"You always were, but now you can really be," said Declan.

And she blinked back her tears and waited until they were in the car to let them flow. She fell asleep halfway home and woke up in bed with Declan's box on the nightstand next to her. Derek was sitting in the chair in the corner of their room, not wanting to be too far away, she knew. When he saw she was awake, he came and sat next to her.

"He's an amazing young man, Emily. You have to give yourself some credit for that."

She nodded. "I know."

She took the box in her lap and opened it. Covering the top of the contents was a piece of paper with a note. "Every year in elementary school, we made Mother's Day gifts. I made mine for you, and I saved them. I always wanted you to have them."

With tears in her eyes and heavy breathing, she lifted the paper and laughed through her tears at the beautiful, sweet contents. A macaroni necklace, a candle with a poem on the holder, a popsicle stick frame with a handprint inside, a hand-drawn picture of the two of them in a heart, walking in a garden. And on every single item a note or tag: "Happy Mother's Day, Emily."

Derek's hand was on her back and she looked at everything again, thinking about how much she loved that little boy she remembered, thinking about how he held on instead of trying to forget, and he was a better person for it. She thought about how Declan had contained his feelings for her in a box because he couldn't share them with her at the time. And her rested mind, full of love and emotion, shifted.

She remembered something, something she'd never shared with Derek, because it was her being afraid of acknowledging how she'd hurt him.

"Were there boxes from London I never unpacked?"

Derek was perplexed. "Yes, one with papers and little things from your desk that you said you didn't need but wanted to keep. It's in the basement."

"Can you get it?"

Derek nodded and was out the door quickly. Emily picked up the frame with Declan's handprint and kissed it. Declan was a remarkable young man because he'd never burdened himself with the impossible task of forgetting. It was time she did the same.

Derek was back in a couple of minutes with a box that he handed to Emily. She quickly lifted the lid and sifted through the contents, finally finding what she was looking for in a plastic bag at the bottom. She opened the bag and took out a flash drive.

She handed it to Derek and leaned over to kiss him. "I wrote to you frequently when I was in Paris and you thought I was dead."

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: I've been running with non-moderated guest reviews for awhile now, but someone decided to get a case of the nasties today. Newsflash: If my stories aren't a pairing you like, don't read them. Relax. This is all fiction.<br>_

_Today was the first time I ever deleted reviews, and then I turned moderation back on. I welcome all reviews that are positive as well as those that contain constructive criticism. I love waking up in the morning to reviews. I don't need people to blow rainbows out my ass all of the time, though that's always nice. But being deliberately cruel with no context is just lame. _

_To all my consistent guest reviewers, know your reviews will post as soon as I moderate them, and I'll do that quickly. I adore you all! :)_


	16. Chapter 16

_Author's note: This is a short one, but it's kind of the whole point, so I'm letting it stand alone. The next chapter is half done already. I'll hopefully get it posted early tomorrow at the latest.  
><em>

_Thank you for all of your kind words today. I appreciate them! _

* * *

><p>Derek waited until Emily fell asleep for the night before sitting in the chair in the corner of their room and plugging the flash drive into his laptop. He looked at the contents. She did write him, three or four times a month.<p>

_Derek,  
><em>_I almost begged JJ to tell you that I was alive, but it's for your safety and mine that everyone believe me dead. I imagine you're devastated right now and are turning that into anger towards Doyle. I want to call you and tell you not to hunt him down, that he's too dangerous, that he'd like nothing better than to pick off the team one by one because he still harbors so much hatred towards me. And another part of me is scared that you will find him and kill him and I'll get to come home, but then you'll hate me, too, for all the lies. I should have told you from the beginning. I wish I could do it over..._

_Derek,  
>It's raining today. The sound outside my hotel room reminds me of that night I stayed at your apartment. It started raining that night, too. Do you remember? You held me in your arms and told me you loved me and we listened to the rain, each of us thinking of a future with each other. You are everywhere in my mind tonight...<br>_

_Derek,  
>I got to talk to JJ today. She said the team was doing okay and coping. I hate myself more each day thinking of you going through the grieving process when I'm actually alive. I want to come home. The longer I'm gone, the less likely I think it is that you'll forgive me when I come back...<br>_

They went on like that and he read and read. Some entries were a few paragraphs and some went on for a couple of pages. He knew why she hadn't given the flash drive to him when she came back from Paris: because he really was angry even though they both tried to act like that wasn't true a lot of time. He kept scrolling through the entries, his heart hurting because of all of her sadness, wondering why she hadn't at least shared this with him when she came back from London.

And then he had his answer. It was a piece that she hadn't remembered. If she had, she may not have given this information to him, at least not yet, maybe never. It was the part where he was the one who felt guilty, and he knew she'd never want him to feel that so she'd kept it quiet.

_Derek,  
>Today I came back. One look in your eyes and I realized everything was probably lost forever... <em>

_Derek,  
>We laughed today. You joked about coffee and back rubs. But when I asked you if you wanted to go out and get some dinner, you shut down. You told me it wasn't a good night for you. It's like you remember the me you loved, and hate the me you loved at the same time...<br>_

_Derek,  
>I tried joking with you today. It was probably poor timing, me with an arm in a sling and a gunshot wound in my shoulder. But you were right in front of me and I didn't know what to do. I made bad jokes. I tried to draw you back to me. And you did come back, a little, as my friend. I could feel that. But when I asked you if you wanted to go get a drink, the walls came back up and the light went out of your eyes. You walked away from me in the parking garage without saying anything at all...<br>_

The letters spiraled from there into an agonizing story of hopelessness and loss, and for the first time he fully understood why she had jumped at the opportunity to get on a plane to London. He knew where he was at during that time, but he was so hurt and angry that he'd never really taken the time to consider her perspective. And she never told him. He understood why, though; he'd never really given her an opportunity. Her feelings were compounded by guilt that made it hard to talk and take the initiative. And he couldn't see past his anger long enough to let her in.

He came to the last entry:

_Derek,  
>I lied to you today for the second time. I told you I didn't feel the same anymore and those feelings would never come back. I have to leave. Every moment with you is like a knife stabbing into my heart. I can't live like this anymore and I don't want you to, either. You said you'd miss me, but what you'll miss is the me you thought you knew before. I'm going to London, and I hope we can both find happiness at some point in the future. All I want for you is happiness. You deserve that.<em>

Derek took a shuddering breath. He blinked back tears and looked at her peaceful, sleeping face in their bed, illuminated by the soft light glowing from his laptop screen. He shut the computer and went to lay down next to her. He stared at her lovingly and thought about truth and lies, and hurt and healing, and the wasteland that could develop in between by just trying to forget instead of dealing with things. They'd both been quick to forgive, gloss over their past, and move on. Maybe he was one head injury away from losing his memory, too, so he could go back and do it right. Maybe everyone was.

He pressed a gentle kiss to the scar on her forehead and she didn't stir. They likely would have been great together for the rest of their lives had her injury not happened, and he absolutely wished it hadn't. But with untruths and unresolved issues out there, there was always the possibility for deep, ugly rifts to develop. He found himself with a strange emotion, not thankful for her injury, but thankful for the truths it revealed, and that she was coping with things she'd long held inside. And now, he was, too.

* * *

><p>The next morning it was Emily who awoke to find Derek waiting for her, his eyes wide open, staring at her face.<p>

Derek spoke as soon as he had her attention. "I hurt you, too. You came back from Paris, and I never let you in. I was moody and wouldn't let go of my anger. We were both quick to forgive and gloss over the painful parts when you came back last year, and we had a great life these past twelve months. But this next year and all the ones after are going to be even better."

Emily looked confused. "I only remember writing because I missed you when you thought I was dead."

"And you kept writing after you came back, right up until you left for London."

"I don't remember any of that," she said quietly.

"I don't blame you."

Emily gave him a sweet smile. "That bad, huh?"

"That bad," he said quietly. Then he reached to touch her face. "But the first paragraph you wrote, when you were in Paris, said you wished you could do it over. And, I think, Em, that maybe that's what you're doing right now. This wasn't just about Declan, it was about everything. We're doing it the right way now. Your heart and mind are giving you just what you need to hold onto me, and you're taking us on a journey through the rest that we needed to walk through instead of skate over. I'm not sad about that. I think it needed to be done."

Emily trailed her fingers on his forehead and down his cheek. "I think maybe that's what all of this is about, too. Can I read it?"

"Of course. It's yours to read."

Derek got up and retrieved his laptop and brought it back to the bed. He sat next to her while she read. She cried and held his hand and she scrolled through the words. It took her about an hour, and he re-read much of it with her.

When she was done she leaned her head against his shoulder. "I never let you go."

"Hmm?"

"Every time in my adult life when there was something painful, I ran away and I tried to forget. I ran from you, but I never let myself forget. I never let you go. I know I never wanted to, even if I can't remember it all."

She was right, she hadn't let him go. He kissed her head and smiled while looking at the ring on her finger. They were exactly right together. But now they could be truly whole together, too.

She took in a deep breath. "That night when I stayed at your apartment and it was raining. I remember. We said, 'I love you,' at almost the exact same time. That was the first time we said it. It's like we weren't supposed to remember hearing it the first time with separate voices_." _

"That sounds about right." Derek kissed her head again and smiled. He laughed quietly.

"What?" she asked.

"I'm just thinking that all I wanted was for us to have a good Christmas. In a crazy way that only we could pull off, this pretty much re-defined 'good.'"

She looked at him and smiled and then pressed herself more firmly against him, her arm wrapping around his waist. "I love you, Derek."

"I love you, too, Emily. Always."


	17. Chapter 17

_The original plan today: Work a split shift at the library. Do my usual opening shift, lock myself in my office for a few hours and finish up this chapter and start on the next one, then get back to work and cover the afternoon/closing shift for a colleague who was out sick. _

_The reality: It's been a hellacious day. I got a phone call from my mom at 7:30 this morning saying my dad had had a stroke or a seizure, she wasn't sure which, so I left work and headed to the ER. Turns out he had a stroke followed by several seizures. He's stable now, but totally out of it. I sent my mom home to rest this evening and pulled out my laptop. In some twisted irony the universe wanted to send my way, I finished up this chapter sitting next to his bed in the ICU as nurses came in to try and wake him and ask him to move his legs, move his arms, and respond to his questions. He's got slurry speech and pretty much no control to do anything with his arms at this point. I am thankful that I have this outlet, because writing these stories truly is cathartic for me. But I'm also glad that I'm at this point in the story and not the earlier chapters. I'm sending out positive vibes that he pulls an Emily. _

* * *

><p>After reading all the letters she wrote Derek and talking with him, Emily felt more energized. She knew more now. It was strange that she didn't have memories associated with everything she wrote, but she found if she approached what she'd read and what she'd learned like a profiler, she could piece the majority of her life with Derek back together, memories or not. It didn't matter that their story wasn't always pretty; it mattered that it was real, that they lived through it and that they found their way back to each other. It mattered that she woke up in a hospital not knowing Derek just a month ago, and within a couple of hours, she knew he loved her. Within one day she knew she could trust him and that she was safe with him. It mattered that it only took her four days to know she loved him, too.<p>

Getting her memories back became a secondary concern of hers because they felt less necessary now; she had what she needed to work through things and move forward in a healthy way. And without the tremendous amount of energy focused on recovering detailed recollections of her past, she had more space to give to other things.

Derek would be going back to work in eight days, and she was determined to follow him back to work as soon as she could. She really had no desire to ever be out in the field again, but her goal was to get back to the physical shape necessary to be a field agent. What she really needed, though, was the strength to stay awake and coherent long enough to be cleared to work at all. Though she had no memory of starting her new job the past January, she knew it required working with languages, and it was the one area where she still felt 100% like herself. She wanted to get back to it.

She called Dr. Quon and got permission to try some more moderate exercise. She and Derek went for a jog late that morning, just around their neighborhood. She made it a mile - a very slow mile - and it felt like winning a marathon. She had to nap after, but it was invigorating at the same time.

That afternoon, she walked to Fernando's and ran the cheese through the industrial grater while she told him about her visit with Declan. He didn't say much that day, but he patted her back and smiled at her a lot, and told her he was proud of her. Emily checked in with her body and came to notice when her legs started feeling a little tired. It was something she'd felt before and tried to push through; a light, tingling sensation in her upper thighs. She gave a kind, hasty goodbye to Carlos and walked home. She made it on her own, and she was still coherent enough to tell Derek about her visit before she drifted off to sleep.

Derek gave a sigh of relief that Emily might be learning when her body had had enough before it reached a critical point. Emily could manage at home just fine, until it came to the abrupt moment when she rapidly fell into exhaustion. He shared with her his fears of him returning to work and her falling asleep on the sidewalk, or while she was climbing up the stairs, or when she was in the back of a cab going somewhere, unable to articulate where she needed to be. The whole idea of it made them both nervous.

The next day, Derek started her on a simple, short, circuit-training routine in their basement, and she went back to Fernando's that afternoon after a nap. After she washed her hands, Carlos handed her a traditional cheese grater and a block of cheese. "It will make your right hand stronger," he said.

Emily nodded and got to work. They alternated between English and Spanish when they talked.

"I lied about my past to everyone who loved me. Part of it I had to do at the time, and part of it was because of fear and shame. Now all the secrets are coming out and sometimes it's hard for me to handle them, and acknowledge who I was and how I hurt people, especially Derek."

Carlos nodded his head in understanding. "I came to this country in 1987. I left behind my three children and my wife." Emily looked at him and knew this was going to be another story like his one about keeping the soil rich. She continued to grate cheese and waited in anticipation for metaphorical words of wisdom.

Carlos went back to slicing tomatoes and continued talking. "I came to DC because I had a cousin here. This restaurant used to be an Italian Bistro, and the owner, Tommaso, was a very nice man who paid me under the table to wash dishes and clean up after closing. He helped me become a citizen and do things the right way. Fernando died before I could send for my family, but my wife and two daughters came here in 1991. By then I was a chef at the restaurant. In 2005, Tommaso died and he left this place to me. I sank every penny I had saved into making it Fernando's. When I placed my first food order, I bought canned sauces. I added my own spices and seasonings to them, but they were only ever just a little better than okay. Not many people came here. You can get 'okay' food anywhere. I was afraid I was going to lose everything, but then I decided to try something different."

Carlos stopped cutting and wiped his hands. He placed a hand on Emily's shoulder and she looked at him. "I threw away the canned sauces. I bought fresh ingredients and made everything from scratch. And people started raving about the food, and the restaurant was full every lunch and dinner very quickly. I didn't wait until it was too late to do things the right way. It was much more work to make the sauces from scratch, but it was worth it. Give people pure ingredients, Emilia, and good things happen."

He touched the scar on her forehead gently, "No more waiting for you to do things the right way either. It'll be harder work for awhile, but worth it in the end. Give people the honest, pure ingredients within you. If you don't, you'll be settling for just 'okay,' and, you, my sweet Emilia, were destined for something much better than that."

Emily smiled at the beautiful, brilliant and kind man, at his twinkling eyes and gray eyebrows and honest expression. "You're right. Thank you."

Carlos grinned and patted her shoulder again. "Look at that. You grated that whole block of cheese with your right hand with no problem."

She glanced down and saw he was right. She hadn't even noticed. When she did her strengthening exercises, she was concentrating so much that it was difficult for her to get her hand moving the right way, and she never lasted long. But listening to him, she hadn't been paying attention to her hand.

Emily laughed happily, "I think maybe I'll fire my speech therapist and physical therapist and regular therapist and have the FBI pay you instead."

With a wink and a chuckle, Carlos responded, "No. You keep them. The more help, the better right now. Plus, you're free labor. For many years I waited for someone to come along like me, that I could help like Tommaso helped me, but that person never showed up. Then I got you. It makes me very happy. That's payment enough for me."

* * *

><p>A routine started that week that worked for Emily. She and Derek would exercise in the morning. She progressively started going a little farther and faster on their runs, and was able to do a couple more sit ups and push ups each day.<p>

When they ran, they talked. There wasn't a lot to resolve between them; it was more that they just needed to acknowledge the mutual hurt and move forward with that truth, rather than trying to forget about it. She did ask him what he was thinking when she came back from Paris, because her letters only guessed at his perspective. She was on the mark for the most part. The difficult part for them both was that he couldn't really ask her deeper questions about where she was at in her head during that time because she didn't have those memories.

And, then, she started getting them back - several a day. She went to Fernando's every afternoon. She considered it a game her mind played with her: _Talk to Carlos and I'll give you a few memories, Emily._ They weren't consistent, they never followed a linear path on a timeline, but they were there without her trying to find them. She'd talk to Carlos and leave before she got too tired, and on the walk home, memories would come to her and she'd excitedly walk in the door and share them with Derek.

They went to Rossi's for a New Year's Eve party, but there was no way Emily was making it to midnight. They had a great time there, and Emily had more memories to share with the team, not a lot, but a few. And they marveled at her strength and stamina and improvement. By ten o'clock, Emily reached her limit.

When they were getting ready to leave, Fran came up to them and said, "I think I'm going to stay."

"Who's going to drive you home?" asked Derek.

"I'll find a ride."

Emily hid her smirk and glanced at JJ.

Derek looked at his mom and sighed. "OK. You have fun, Mom, and call me if you need me to come get you."

Fran hugged them both and wished them a Happy New Year.

JJ walked them out to the car, laughing and slightly drunk. "Relax, Derek. It's New Year's Eve. Everyone deserves to get some."

Derek stopped walking and glared at her. "I truly hate you right now for that image."

And JJ and Emily couldn't help their laughter. Once they started, they couldn't stop. It was the hardest and longest Emily had laughed in her memory ever, though she imagined the two of them had laughed like this several times in the past.

Emily fell asleep on the drive home and never woke up again until the next morning when she found herself in their bed, dressed in a t-shirt and underwear. Derek was awake next to her.

"Happy New Year," she said to him with a smile.

"My mom sent a text last night and said she was staying and she'd see us sometime today," he said quietly.

Emily laughed. "She's happy. Just be happy for her. I think it really is as simple as that."

"I'm trying."

Emily moved her body and laid down on top of him. "It's a new year. Everyone deserves to get some."

Derek laughed finally. "Even me?"

"Especially you."

* * *

><p>Derek returned to work, and Fran became an even more integral part of Emily's life. She started joining Emily for her runs. Emily switched her focus from speed to endurance, and the two of them would go a little slower but a little longer each day and talk about Derek as a child. Occasionally, a memory would surface for Emily, something Derek had told her about him as a kid.<p>

"How are things going with Rossi?" Emily asked one day.

Fran blushed. "Dave. Good. It's strange. I never really thought I'd want to see anyone else and it's been decades. And if I did decide to see someone, I never thought it would be someone in law enforcement. But life is short. I'm having fun."

Emily smiled at her. "I'm glad. You deserve it."

In her head she thought about what a strange, twisting world it was. In November, the shrapnel in her head was the wind that could have blown their house of cards down forever, but instead they were all building stronger foundations in their own ways.

* * *

><p>The first week in January, Emily napped once a day, sometime between her exercise and going to see Carlos.<p>

The second week in January, she gave up her naps entirely. She was a little over fifty percent of the way there to physical fitness levels on par with those that the FBI required. Speech therapy and physical therapy were cancelled. She still saw the FBI therapist, but her focus shifted to getting clearance to return to work; she had Carlos for everything else.

The third week in January, it occurred to Emily that it had been nearly four weeks since she'd seen anyone cry, including herself. And the memories she had no longer fit on the timeline Derek had made for her. She went to have lunch with Declan at his school. They laughed and enjoyed the company of each other, and there were no tears. They made a standing date for lunch twice a month.

Fran left to return to Chicago to get her affairs in order there. Her intent was to move back to the DC area sometime in June.

Emily got her clearance to drive, and the day after they put Fran on a plane with big hugs goodbye and very much looking forward to her return, Emily followed Derek's car to Quantico early in the morning. She was dressed in layers, but without a wig or scarf because it wouldn't be practical. Her hair was a little over an inch long and the scar still stuck out in contrast, but she really didn't care. Appearance was the last thing on her mind.

JJ met them at the start of the FBI training course. She laughed when she saw Emily, not in mockery, but in pure joy and with love on her face. "You ready to get this done, GI Jane?" she asked.

Emily laughed, but before she could answer, she became aware of a group of people staring at her. She glanced to her side to see a mixture of recruits and veteran agents. She didn't recognize a single one, but they obviously knew who she was. Her name may have escaped the newspapers, but they didn't escape the FBI rumor mill.

One man stepped forward, emotion clear on his face, and reached to shake her hand. "I was holding your harness that night in the mall. I'm so happy to see you back."

Emily shook his hand and held back any tears. "Thank you. It's good to be back."

She looked at JJ and Derek before her emotions could get the best of her. "Let's do this."

There was no racing this time. Derek and JJ didn't take off like Emily now remembered. They kept her pace, as did everyone who was at the starting point that morning. It was hard, Emily couldn't deny it. Her time was far below anything acceptable, but she tried not to think about that. She got over walls, she got under obstacles, and she ran as fast as she could.

And she finished.


	18. Chapter 18

Derek sat at his desk trying to concentrate on paperwork while Emily slept on the couch in his office. He kept looking at her and smiling and shaking his head - he couldn't believe she made it through that training course. Though she hadn't napped in about ten days, that workout had taken its toll on her body and she needed to sleep before driving home.

Since the day after Christmas, Derek had watched her change. She was still the same Emily he knew and loved in most ways, but there was a lightness about her now that hadn't been there before. They'd been happy the past year, but this was different. She'd talk to him about things she'd long held inside and tell him stories about Declan when he was little. Her laugh had changed into something more genuine. Though she'd been very affectionate with him before her injury, her touch was different now, too; like their love for each other was deeper, which was something he didn't think was possible before.

The memories that came back to her almost daily now were not always pleasant, but she was quick to talk to him about anything without reservation. Some things didn't require many words. He knew by her face when she recalled something about the two of them having sex; she'd sometimes blush and look at him like_, We did that? _And then she'd want to recreate that moment, so she could live it again and really remember the feelings.

It wasn't difficult for them to find time because before his mom headed back to Chicago, she was almost always with Rossi during the evenings he was home. That was something Derek had come to fully accept by the middle of January. His mom was happy, Rossi was happy, and it really was as simple as that.

Emily still had a lot of blank places when it came to her work with the BAU, but she had many of her memories back where it concerned the two of them. Armed with that information, it was easy to acknowledge that they really were better than before.

Derek was still playing it passive in a lot of ways, following her lead and waiting for the rest of her blank spots to fill in as those memories came to her. There was no rush, and it was working for both of them. There was one thing, though, that he needed to talk to her about soon. Next week they had a home study scheduled with the adoption agency they chose back at the beginning of November. She had no memory of that. It didn't feel right to just postpone or cancel that appointment without talking to her first. And, yet, every time there had been an opportunity, he hadn't been able to find the words, afraid of her reaction.

When Emily awoke on the couch in his office, she looked confused for a second, but then saw him and smiled. "I finished the course, right?"

"You finished, Emily. It was amazing."

Her smile grew and she sat up. "Good. I was worried I was dreaming that part. I was pretty out of it at the end. Please tell me you didn't have to carry me to your office in front of everyone."

Derek stood up, chuckling, and went to sit next to her on the couch, taking her hand in his. "You smiled at people. Only JJ and I recognized how dead on your feet you were. We took a cart back to the academy and you managed to get to my office on your own two feet before passing out. You've been asleep for about two hours."

"How far off was I from my usual time?"

He squeezed her hand. "About twenty minutes."

"Ouch," she said with a laugh. "Well, at least I have a starting point now. It will only get better."

"It absolutely will."

She turned to look at him excitedly. "Hey, can we go to the shooting range?"

"Em," he sighed quietly. He understood what she was doing - she was trying to get a baseline for her life as an FBI agent. She wanted to know the deficits so she could know where she needed to improve. On his part, he'd be quite happy to never see her with a gun in her hand again. She said she had no interest in getting her field agent certification back, but he wasn't sure once she'd met all of the physical goals necessary that she wouldn't change her mind.

"I just need to see, Derek. I might not have the strength or steadiness in my hand to do it at all, but I need to know."

He relented. "OK, Em. Let's go to the shooting range."

* * *

><p>Emily used to be a dead-on shot, and now that he'd agreed to take her to the range, he was kind of curious to see if she could do it as well. The range masters recognized her, even though she didn't recognize them. Emily didn't seem to notice the stares; she had a single focus at the moment. They were all operating in the gray area of the rules - Emily was an agent, but she didn't currently have a badge because she was on disability. Derek couldn't claim he was her re-certification instructor because he technically couldn't be due to their relationship. And she wasn't medically or mentally cleared for re-certification anyway.<p>

The agents staffing the range looked the other way as Derek handed Emily a pair of ear muffs before placing a pair over his own ears. He walked her to an empty bay and handed her his gun.

She managed to pull the trigger, but her first three shots were way off the mark, not even hitting the target. Instead of getting frustrated, he watched Emily take a deep breath and close her eyes. She stood there for a few seconds with her eyes closed. When she opened them, she smiled and emptied the remainder of the clip dead center on the forehead of the target.

She laughed and turned to look at Derek, who couldn't help laughing as well. They walked back out of the shooting area and took off their ear muffs.

"How the hell did you do that? What changed?" he asked.

"I closed my eyes and thought of a funny story Carlos told me. I stopped thinking about my hand. It was just like when we talk and I grate cheese."

Derek laughed again and shook his head. "I'd much prefer you holster a cheese grater, if I had my way."

Emily reached forward and placed her hand on his arm. "That first physical therapy session in the hospital I thought I'd never be able to shoot a gun again. I really don't want to get back out there in the field, Derek. Don't worry about that. I just need to get to the point that I know I could if I wanted to."

He sighed and smiled and nodded his head. "I understand. I'd feel the same way."

Her eyes brightened again. "Hey, can you get me into a tactical rotation at Hogan's Alley?"

He grinned. "That, my love, is going to take some clearances that I can't give you."

"I'll get them."

"I've no doubt you will."

* * *

><p>That evening when Derek got home, Emily was in pajamas, laying on the couch watching TV.<p>

"I brought home some food from Fernando's. It just needs to be heated," she said. She made no move to get up.

"Little sore?" Derek guessed.

Emily huffed out a laugh. "Just a little. I've been pounding water all day and I even took some tylenol."

Derek went to the kitchen to warm up their food and returned with it several minutes later. Emily painfully got into a more upright position and moved her legs to make room for him on the couch.

She took the plate of food and a huge smile spread across her face. "I didn't want to tell you this on the phone. Section Chief James called me about an hour ago. He heard about my stint in the shooting range and on the training course. He wants me back tomorrow if he could have me. He said he talked to Dr. Kelley who would consent to giving me psychological clearance for part-time work for now, that I wasn't ready to dedicate a full-time week to work yet. I need to get clearance from Dr. Quon, but I'm sure I'll get it. Once I do, I can return for twenty hours a week. Starting Monday, I hope."

Derek was stunned and elated. He knew how badly she wanted this, and he thought it was coming soon, but not this soon. He put his plate down and stood up so he could bend over and kiss her. "Emily, I am so happy for you," he said while peppering her face with kisses and she reached her arms up to hug him.

"I really can't believe it, Derek. I mean, I can and I can't. It's been less than two months."

Derek pulled back to look her in the eye. "I know, Em. But if I had to choose anyone in the world to pull something like this off, I'd place my money on you every time."

Emily smiled and touched his face lovingly. They got back to eating their dinner and when they were done, Derek put his plate and hers on the coffee table. He turned his body and reached under her loose pajama pants to massage her calves. Emily let out a content sigh.

"Now you," she said.

"What?" he asked.

She raised her eyebrow at him. "For the past week, you've been wanting to say something to me, but you keep stopping yourself. I can tell. What is it?"

Derek's heartbeat picked up and he swallowed nervously. "Em, it's been a big day already. Are you sure you're up for this?"

She stared at him, concern flashing across her face. "I definitely am. I can tell by looking at your face that this is a conversation we need to have."

Derek inhaled and exhaled deeply. "Before you got hurt, during the first week in November, we started looking into adoption. We decided to go with an open adoption and called an agency with an office in DC. We began working on our parent profile and going through the paperwork and we scheduled an appointment for a home visit that's supposed to take place next week."

He looked at her beautiful face, at her eyes filling with tears. "I don't remember," she said sadly.

"I know. And it's okay. Whatever you want to do is okay. I only wanted to talk to you because I didn't want to cancel that home visit without letting you know first. It just felt wrong. But, really, Emily, whatever you want to do is fine with me."

"Can I see the paperwork we already started?"

"Absolutely. I have it upstairs. Just give me a second." He ran upstairs quickly and grabbed the file folder from the closet in the guest room, where he'd stashed it when Emily came home from the hospital. When he returned with the folder, Emily turned her body and sat up on the couch. He handed her the folder, and with slightly trembling fingers, she opened it and spread the contents out on the coffee table. Derek sat down next to her and started explaining.

"This is the parent profile we worked on. It's pretty much done. These are the questions the counselor is going to ask us during the home visit. She said it was a good idea for us to write out our answers first so we could refer to them. These are the medical history forms we need to have filled out. We need two personal references each and we'd have to get our fingerprints and background checks. Once we do that, and after the home visit, we'd go in their book of prospective parents. It usually takes six months or so to get chosen, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter." He said all of this quickly and nervously with one hand on her back.

Emily quietly flipped through the parent profile, read the words and looked at the pictures. She picked up the sheet with the questions the counselor would ask them.

She turned her head to look at Derek. "I don't remember," she repeated. "I don't even know how to answer the first question. Why do I want to be a parent?"

Derek's heart sank and she could see it, he could tell. She put the papers down and turned slightly to wrap her arms around him. "I need to think, Derek. I'm not saying 'no,' I just need to think. I love you."

"I love you, too. And I totally understand, Emily."

"But you really want this," she whispered.

And he was honest. His instinct was to continue to say he wanted whatever she wanted, so she didn't feel bad. But he reminded himself that that wasn't who they were anymore. "I do, Em."

* * *

><p>They were pretty quiet the rest of the evening, and Emily went to bed early. Derek puttered around the house, uneasiness filling him. It was the first time they hadn't been able to resolve whatever needed to be resolved quickly. But this was a big deal that involved possibly another living, breathing human being in their home who they would raise. He tried to cut them both some slack. Still, he was relieved when he went to bed and her body instinctively moved towards his, to get closer.<p>

He woke up around five o'clock the next morning and was concerned when she wasn't in bed next to him. He got up and looked in their bathroom, then headed downstairs. He found her asleep on the couch, a table lamp on, the paperwork from the adoption agency spread out on the coffee table. She'd signed her name on the medical release forms they needed to turn in. She'd answered the questions on the home study form.

Why do you want to be a parent? _  
>There is so much love in our home and I want to share it with a child. We have an incredible support network and I know any child's life would be full of security and happiness with us. Derek and I have seen every facet of this world, good and bad, and we remain firmly living in the good parts. I want the opportunity to raise a child to see the good in the world, to be loving, positive and kind, and to know that unconditional love is something that he or she could always expect from us. I honestly can't even imagine how happy and secure a child could be, being raised in our home.; I'm eager for the opportunity to see it with my own eyes.<br>_

Derek blinked back tears and turned to look at Emily, whose eyes were now open. She spoke softly, "It scared me when I couldn't remember, because I've remembered so much about us. But I woke up a couple of hours ago and thought that it didn't matter. All of my other memories were about you and me; this is a memory about a potential someone else. Maybe I wasn't remembering because the reasons for wanting this then and wanting this now are different. So I stopped looking for the memory and asked myself if I wanted this now, and I realized I did. I love you. I can think of nothing more fulfilling than raising a child with you."

* * *

><p>Emily returned to part-time work the following Monday. They kept the home study appointment that Thursday. They answered the questions. They handed Marina Pruitt, the counselor, their completed parent profile and their medical forms. They gave her their references, Emily's filled out by JJ and Hotch, Derek's filled out by his mom and Penelope. Though it was redundant and absurdly unnecessary, they went in and had their fingerprints taken and gave the release for their background checks.<p>

A week later they got the phone call from Marina. They were officially in their book for potential parents. The waiting game began.

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: Thank you for the kind words and well wishes about my Dad. He's a little more alert on day two, and he passed his swallow test so he can eat.. They now are worried about a possible tumor, so that's been hard. They're probably going to move him out of the ICU today, though. Ups and downs, for sure! <em>


	19. Chapter 19

Emily felt like she was living a bit in parallel universes as winter rolled into spring.

She and Derek were very good about staying focused on the present most of the time, but always in the back of their heads was the wonder of whether or not some birth mother would choose them, and when.

Marina Pruitt had explained the realities to them. Though there were extremes on both sides, the average was that a couple was chosen around six to eight months months after they were approved, when a birth mother was around three to six months pregnant. The amount of medical expenses that they might pay and the amount of contact they might have with the birth mother was difficult to predict; it all depended on the circumstances. There were no guarantees, but often within nine to fifteen months, their prospective parents had a baby.

"How often do the birth mothers back out?" Derek asked Marina.

"We do extensive counseling with birth mothers before they choose a couple. On a national average, twenty-five to thirty percent back out; within our agency, it's about fifteen percent. It's a reality you have to be prepared for."

"And what happens then?" asked Emily.

"You go back into the pool and it starts again," said Marina.

There was nothing legally binding to an open adoption. Once the birth mother signed her rights away, any visitation or contact was solely in the hands of a non-legal agreement between the birth mother and the adoptive parents. The agency would run as a go between when necessary or requested. The agreements ran a huge spectrum, from agreed-upon letters and pictures every six months with no contact, to monthly visits. The agency legally had to try to find and contact the biological father depending on several circumstances, though it was rare that a biological father ever objected to the adoption. In many cases, they never heard back from the biological father at all. Most of their birth mothers were young, they couldn't care for a child, many of them were hardly adults themselves. Some were older with multiple children already that they could barely afford.

The whole thing was sad and overwhelming and hopeful to both Emily and Derek. It was why they'd wanted to try this route first - because they wanted to raise a child together while giving the birth mother the opportunity to know her child, or at the very least the power to choose who raised him or her.

The Friday after their home visit, Emily woke up in the middle of the night with the memory. She shook Derek awake. "We were laying on the bed together and looking at the website and talking about adopting. We were both nervous and excited and we held hands while we looked. That night, after you were sleeping, I went into the bathroom and cried about Declan, which I obviously didn't tell you about. I came back to bed once I calmed down, and the next morning I still wanted to go forward."

Derek squeezed her hand. "Are you sad about Declan now?"

"No. I'm only excited that Declan could potentially be part of the baby's life like the rest of our friends and family will be." Derek smiled and kissed her forehead, and she continued, "_If_ we get a baby. I have to keep reminding myself that there are no guarantees here."

They started attending a support group with other prospective parents and the facts that Marina had explained to them became much more a reality. Though most couples were pretty much like them, within their six to eight month waiting window, there were extremes in the room as well. One couple had been waiting to be chosen for almost a year; they'd changed their profile several times in hopes that it might catch a birth mother's eye. One couple had been chosen two times, but the birth mothers backed out before the baby was born. One couple had been chosen, had actually taken a baby home from the hospital, and the birth mother changed her mind within the legal window allowed her and took the baby back. Emily couldn't imagine that; she tried very hard not to.

After the first meeting, they walked out and looked at each other. They didn't know whether to laugh or cry. They settled on laughter, but it was nervous and apprehensive.

"What on earth have we gotten ourselves into?" asked Emily.

"A crazy adventure, for sure," said Derek with a smile.

"Did you feel like a few people were sizing us up like they were assessing the competition?" asked Emily.

"A little. But I can understand it. We'll probably be wondering the same thing in a few months when a new couple walks in the door. It's a hard balance to be there to support each other when we're all after the same thing."

"True."

After that meeting they tried to contain their discussion about adopting and babies to support group nights only, and focus on things that were in their control the remainder of the time.

But in the back of Emily's mind, she knew she was being much more a realist about this whole thing. Derek's heart was right on his sleeve, and she didn't know how he would do with the ups and downs of all of this. It's not that he wanted this more than she did; she did want it. It was that he had been her rock for a very long time and now it was her turn. She prepared herself to be that person, just in case it was needed.

* * *

><p>Working was good for Emily - she very much liked her job. When she first started back, she realized quickly how mentally exhausting staying focused on one thing for several hours at a time could be for her. It wasn't something she'd had any practice with since her injury. Her first week back, she worked 8:00-12:00 and then had to go to Derek's office and nap for an hour before she could drive home. But, like exercising, this quickly improved. By the end of February, her life had settled into a routine that felt comfortable. She'd run the training course on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, then rest in Derek's office before working from 10:00-2:00. On Tuesdays and Thursdays she'd work 8:00-12:00 and head home to spend the afternoon at Fernando's.<p>

Carlos was still her sounding board: the person who could remind her to have patience while waiting to be chosen by a birth mother, the person who could make her laugh when she was feeling overwhelmed, the person who knew not to say much at all and just give her smiles and a gentle hug when she needed to talk.

Nobody at work pushed her to take on more hours, just happy to have her back in whatever capacity she could give them. And she wasn't ready for more hours. She saw Dr. Kelley at Quantico every other week and they both knew that twenty hours a week was a healthy place for Emily for at least the short term.

Her first Tuesday working the 8:00-12:00 shift when she didn't feel like she needed a nap, Emily went to have lunch with the BAU team before driving home. She adored every member of the team, even though her memories were lacking in that area. But when those elevator doors dinged on the BAU floor, the memories came rushing back at her so rapidly that she had to sink into one of the chairs outside the elevator bay. They weren't movies of memories; they were pictures flashing in front of her eyes every second and her mind trying to make sense of the context that was coming at her faster than she could absorb.

It was the first time something had come to her linearly, and her mind played it all back to her from start to finish, from her first day meeting Hotch, to going on that first case with Gideon and Spencer, to laughing with Derek about Kurt Vonnegut books to everything in between. There was Penelope giving them information about cases in the meeting room. She saw Spencer in a Halloween mask and she remembered laughing with Derek. She saw herself leaning over the railing prevailing to Penelope to tell them where Rossi was because his office was such as mess. She visualized a pregnant JJ. She remembered JJ bringing Henry to the BAU when he was just an infant, and Derek holding him.

Her mind slowed down there on that image, like she was subconsciously willing herself to relish it, before it sped up again. She felt like she was on the verge of hyperventilating by the time she got to the point that she turned in her badge and gun to Hotch, and remembered that on that day, she'd sat in her car and sobbed for almost an hour before she went home to finish packing for London.

It was Penelope who found her outside the elevators, who sat down on a chair next to her and asked her if she was okay.

"What are you remembering, Emily?" she asked.

And Emily, shocked by the sudden onslaught of so much, looked at her and whispered, "Everything."

Penelope took Emily to her office, and JJ must have seen this happening because the next thing Emily knew, they were in privacy, surrounded by computer screens, and both Penelope and JJ had their arms around her. She cried. She thought about all of the laughter. About the laughter and love and friendship amidst all of the darkness. And she whispered, "I can't believe I ever left."

* * *

><p>By the end of March, Emily felt like she had about ninety percent of her memories back intact. She couldn't be sure she had them all, but she felt her life was a pretty complete picture. She was only five minutes slower on the training course than before her injury. She'd passed her tactical training and shooting range tests. She bumped up to twenty-five hours a week at work.<p>

She saw Declan at least twice a month, often with Derek, who'd come to deeply care for the young man. Their visits weren't just lunch anymore. When there were no conflicts with sports or other social activities, Emily or Derek would go and pick Declan up on Saturdays and he'd stay the night at their home. Emily felt very complete with him in her life again, and she loved watching Declan and Derek talk and watch sports together. She started allowing herself to freely love Declan without hesitation, and she fell a bit more in love with Derek every time she saw the two of them together.

Partly because it felt like it was time, and partly to distract themselves from the waiting to be chosen by a birth mother, they started making wedding plans. They settled on the last weekend in June. Rossi offered up his house, and they agreed. Rossi had been to Chicago on two weekends since Fran had flown home. He was an equal participant in trying to find Fran an apartment that would work for her move to the DC area come June.

The first Saturday in April, Penelope and JJ were with Emily while she tried on wedding dresses. She didn't want anything particularly traditional, and she didn't want anything too fancy. She wanted something simple, unique and beautiful - like her relationship with Derek was. Penelope had just finished helping her button the back of a dress that was okay, but not quite right.

"I think it's my hair that's bugging me more than the dresses," grumbled Emily. "I wish it was longer."

"Your hair looks great, Em," said JJ.

Emily was contemplating her short tresses in the mirror, that, with the right amount of hair product, covered her scar and looked feminine enough, but it didn't really match the image in her mind of what she'd look like getting married; when she visualized it, she saw herself with long hair again. Emily sighed and turned to the side to look at the dress from that angle. Her cell phone rang and JJ, who was closest, picked it up and Emily saw JJ's eyes widen. JJ turned the cell phone around to face Emily.

Emily's knees gave a little when she saw Marina Pruitt on the caller ID.

"Maybe somebody chose you," said JJ.

"It's been less than three months," whispered Emily.

"Answer it," said Garcia excitedly.

With shaking hands, Emily answered the call. "Hello?"

"Emily, how are you?" asked Marina.

"I'm...good. Great. Everything's great."

"Are you sitting down?" asked Marina.

Emily laughed nervously and sank down on the bench in the dressing area. "I am now."

"You remember those extreme circumstances I glanced over when we were talking back in January? Yesterday evening a young woman named Sandra showed up at our office in DC. She was very dirty, very determined and is very pregnant. She's a street kid, nineteen years old, traveling the US from town to town, panhandling. She spent most of the past few years on the west coast, but her and a group of friends saved up enough for a bus tickets last summer and they decided they wanted to see the east coast. She's had no prenatal care at all. She says that she only ever smoked marijuana and stopped as soon as she figured out she was pregnant, somewhere around two months along. Her plan was to keep the baby at first, but when she realized she'd probably lose the baby to the system very quickly, her plan was to turn the baby over to a safe surrender site once it was born. But one of the friends she traveled with convinced her a couple of days ago that that was a sure bet for the baby to end up in the foster care system as well. Sandra grew up in foster care and ran away when she was sixteen. She's been on the streets ever since. She started not feeling well yesterday and panicked. She found our agency in the yellow pages. Thank goodness for the few old school phone booths left in the city."

Emily's heart was racing, she felt herself breathing heavily and perspiration was starting to bead on her forehead. She stood up and pointed at her back and Garcia unbutton and unzipped the dress. Emily switched the phone to speaker and set it down so she could get dressed. "I'm listening. Keep going," she said quietly.

"I got her over to County Med. We ran a drug test, and it's clear. So it appears that, at least recently, she hasn't been doing drugs. The hospital let her shower, which she desperately needed. They did an ultrasound and the baby appears to be healthy. The best estimate is that Sandra is about thirty eight weeks. Her blood pressure is elevated and I've spent the morning talking with her while they monitored her pressure for several hours, but it's not getting better. She's had rapid-fire counseling, but she's pretty certain open adoption is what she wants. I showed her our parent profiles and she picked the two of you right away. The baby is full breech, so induction really isn't safe. They scheduled a c-section for two o'clock this afternoon."

Emily, who had managed to get her jeans on while Marina was talking, sat back down on the bench in shock. "So you're saying a young woman chose us and the baby is going to be born this afternoon?" she asked in a stunned whisper. Emily looked up and saw Penelope and JJ staring at her with enormous eyes, smiles spreading across both their faces.

"Yes, that's what I'm saying, Emily. Sandra is pretty sure the father is African American. His name is Tom, but she doesn't know his last name or where he is. She met up with him in Florida last summer and that was that. She hasn't seen him since. A week ago, Sandra and a few friends made their way up to DC, wanting to see the Capitol before continuing to New York."

Emily shook her head to clear it. None of what Marina had just said mattered to her. She reiterated the important facts. "So it looks like the baby is healthy, and the c-section is scheduled for two o'clock and you think Sandra is certain?"

"Yes. Can you both get here quickly?"

Emily gulped past the lump in her throat, the knots in her stomach, and her heart, which felt like it was going to explode. "We'll be there within an hour."

She looked at her watch and saw that it was eleven o'clock. They'd have a couple of hours to get to know Sandra before the baby was born. She distractedly pulled on her shirt and then looked at JJ and Penelope. Though she knew she needed to hurry, her body felt like it was in slow motion, absorbing what Marina had just told her.

"We weren't supposed to be chosen yet. We were supposed to have months to get to know the birth mother. This is so different than how it was described to us," she said quietly.

JJ laughed. "Why on earth would you think that _you_ of all people would do anything based on anyone's predicted or typical timeline, Emily Prentiss?"

Emily laughed lightly and sped up again. She pulled on her shoes. "We don't have anything for a baby at our house."

"And you have two shoppers right here that can take care of all of that," said Penelope with a smile.

Emily stood and grabbed her purse. "Don't yet. I'll call you. She could very well change her mind and I don't want a bunch of baby things around the house if she does. Don't tell anyone else yet. Especially Rossi. I don't want Fran to find out until we know for sure."

JJ stepped forward and gave Emily a hug, "Go, Em. Keep us posted."

They didn't tell her they had a good feeling about this, because Emily had described the realities to them. They knew this was all precarious.

* * *

><p>In the short ten minute drive home, she tried to think how she'd tell Derek. They needed to hurry, and she was worried this was all going to be one, big, overwhelming level of excitement that would come crashing down in about three hours when the baby was born and Sandra changed her mind.<p>

She tried to force herself to remain calm and realistic, but when she got to their house and opened the front door, excitement came bubbling to the surface.

"Derek?" she called.

He appeared on the stairs carrying a basket of laundry. "Hey, Em. How was dress shopping? I thought you'd be gone for hours."

The words came rushing out in a voice Emily didn't quite recognize as her own. "There's a girl in the hospital right now. She's nineteen. She chose us. She's having a c-section at County Med at two o'clock this afternoon. We need to get there."

Derek's mouth dropped open. He dropped the basket of laundry and wrapped Emily in a hug. "Today?" he asked quietly.

"Yes, but it's far from a certainty. And there's a lot more to the story, but I'll tell you in the car. We need to go."

The butterflies in her stomach kicked up a storm and Derek grabbed the keys from her hand and pulled her out the front door, a smile on his face and quickness in his steps. Emily told him everything Marina had told her on the phone as they drove, and saying it out loud made Emily more apprehensive, but the story only seemed to make Derek more confident.

He squeezed her hand and looked at her with a smile on his face as he pulled into the parking lot at the hospital. "We're going to get a baby, Em."

It was hard not to trust in his confidence, but she'd prepared herself for this, for needing to be the strong one. She smiled at him, but in her head, the realistic Emily thought, _Maybe._

* * *

><p><em>Author's note: My dad's out of the ICU! He's sitting up and talking, though not totally clearly. He's eating. It's looking more like he has a brain tumor, plus another spot on his liver that's suspicious. They're doing another MRI today. But we're all much more calm now that he's in a regular room, even though the road ahead looks long and scary.<em>

_Today I am thankful for nurses, for my children who remembered that there is a parent tax associated with all Halloween candy and saved me my favorite kinds, and for the amazing group of friends I have who have kept me sane. And rain...I'm thankful for that again as well, because soccer was supposed to start at 7:00am today, but instead I actually got to sleep in a bit!_

_And I'm still thankful to those of you who sent well wishes in reviews or private messages. :)_

_We're off to the hospital now. More when I can!_


	20. Chapter 20

_Author's note: This chapter courtesy of daylight savings time and a pot of coffee. I woke up and saw 5:30 on my clock and didn't force myself back to sleep. Then I got to the computer and saw it was really 4:30. :)_

* * *

><p>The first thing Emily noticed as they held hands in parking lot and made their way to the hospital was a group of four young people, one girl and three boys, wearing layers of threadbare and not very clean clothing. They had large backpacks and they were all pretty dirty, with matted hair and dreadlocks, except one boy who had very short hair and was far cleaner than the rest. He didn't look very old, but his face was weather-worn, and he was giving Emily and Derek a hard stare.<p>

"You the FBI agents?" he asked.

Derek nodded and Emily, taken aback, said, "Yes."

He shook his head. "I can't believe she chose a couple of feds. That's Sandra for you. I'm Michael. The doctor said I had lice really bad and if I wanted to be in the room with Sandra, I should get cleaned up and take care of it. This was the fastest way," he said while pointing to his head.

"That was...very supportive of you," murmured Emily.

"Yes, it was. I'm Derek Morgan" said Derek. He reached his hand out and Michael stared at it for a few seconds before extending his hand and shaking it.

"Sandra and I ran away from the same foster home together when she was sixteen and I was seventeen. It wasn't a great place, and we were done with the whole system, so we got out of there. We've been together on the streets ever since. She's like my sister. You be nice to her."

Emily blinked. This all seemed very surreal. "Of course we'll be nice to her, Michael. But we need to get in there."

Michael nodded and stepped aside so they could get in the hospital doors. They took the elevator up to the maternity floor in silence, both at a loss for words, both nervous as hell. Marina met them in the waiting room.

"I know you want to get in her room as soon as possible, but I wanted to let you know we found her in the system. Sandra Fletcher. She was born in Seattle. We didn't want to pry too much, because that wasn't the point. I just wanted to verify that she really was over eighteen, to make sure this doesn't get unnecessarily messy. She was placed in foster care when she was eight years old after her parents were arrested for dealing drugs. She bounced around from foster home to foster home until she ran away with another kid in her last placement when she was sixteen."

"Michael. We met him downstairs," said Emily.

"Yes. They made it to Portland and disappeared into the streets. There are three others they met in Portland and the five of them have stuck together most of the past three years. They're a family, at least that's what Sandra calls them. She's a little rough around the edges, she's very blunt, but she's a nice young woman. Smart, and innocent in a lot of ways, which is surprising considering her life and where she came from. I don't think she's lying about the marijuana or the father. So far, everything she's told me seems to be the truth. She's eager to meet you."

"Then let's meet her," said Derek, sounding hopeful and excited.

Marina smiled at him. "Derek, I want you to know that given your jobs and the small bit I know about you, your instincts are going to be to want to help Sandra. You have to remember that she doesn't want to be helped, and that's not why you're here. You shouldn't go in there judging her life or thinking that you can rescue her. She's an adult, and she's making her own choices. I told her all of her options, including our agency helping her get on welfare and get into a half-way house with the baby until she could get on her own two feet. She's completely uninterested in that option. She knows she's stuck between a rock and a hard place now because she has no anonymity. Everyone knows when she walks out of here, she's homeless. She either has to choose the options I presented her with, or she relinquishes her rights with our agency, or she tries to keep the baby, in which case the hospital social worker would likely step in and remove the baby from her anyway."

"So what are you saying?" asked Emily quietly.

"I'm saying that it's probably going to be a crazy, emotional few days until Sandra is released from the hospital, but unless she wants to completely give up her vagabond lifestyle, you're likely going to get a baby, because Sandra very much wants to be in control of where this baby goes. I've been at this hospital with birth mothers before, not quite under these circumstances, but they know me and our agency and they are here to help make this comfortable for Sandra and you. Sandra's signed her intent to relinquish rights, which means the hospital is going to give you both medical bands that match Sandra's so you can freely see the baby after it's born, and you can be there for any medical procedures or check-ups that might be necessary. The doctor told Sandra that you both could be in the room when she has her c-section, but, for now, she's said she only wants Michael there."

* * *

><p>Sandra Fletcher was a petite young woman with a huge belly, a friendly round face with freckles and shining blue eyes, and a head full of dread locks dyed various different colors. She had piercings up both sides of her ears, and a ring through her bottom lip. Emily could see why Marina wanted to verify her age; Sandra looked like she was about sixteen years old max.<p>

Emily's first instinct was indeed to hug this young woman and ask her how she could help her, but she reminded herself that they were only there to help her by giving her baby the home of her choosing.

Sandra eyed them warily when they first walked in the door, but after a few seconds, she nodded and gave them a smile. "I wasn't even thinking about an interracial couple when I first started looking through the profiles, even though I'm pretty positive this baby is half Tommy, who was very definitely black. I was just looking for two faces I could trust without thinking twice about it. Yours were it. I bet you didn't fucking expect this when you woke up this morning."

Emily was surprised by how articulate she was, and how open. Whatever she was expecting since Marina had called her an hour before, it wasn't quite this. She and Derek both laughed. "No, we didn't expect this," said Derek.

They introduced themselves and Marina brought three chairs next to the bed so they could all talk.

Sandra looked at Emily when she sat down. "What happened to your hair? It was longer in the pictures."

"I...we were about to send in an updated picture with my hair now. I was injured in the line of duty last November. They had to shave my my hair in order to perform surgery. When we first put together our profile, I was using a wig because my hair was still very short and you could see the scar."

Sandra frowned, "You know, I don't much like anyone in law enforcement. They're always hassling us. But I decided to ignore your jobs when I saw your faces. I didn't think about this. You're not going to go get yourselves killed at work and leave this kid, are you? Because that would really suck."

"No, Sandra," said Derek. "Emily doesn't go out into the field anymore and I don't have to with my job either."

"OK," said Sandra. She looked back at Emily, "I'm not saying your hair looks bad or anything."

Emily smiled. "It's fine. I'm sure it was different than what you were expecting."

"My friend Michael had to cut all his hair off because he had lice and the doctor wouldn't let him in with me. Apparently lice don't like hair dye, because I checked out fine. Anyway, I'm sure you want the whole story, especially about pot smoking, just to make sure this kid is going to come out of me with all its body parts and a working brain."

Sandra stopped to scratch her arm and Emily noticed for the first time the red bites up and down her arms. When she saw Emily looking, Sandra smiled. "My family is adding a new rule to our survival list: If you find a mattress thrown out behind a shitty roadside motel, leave it alone. Bed bug bites. They're better than they were a week ago."

Emily laughed quietly, "We have a rule book, too, just because of some of the things we've seen in our jobs. In general, all parts of shitty roadside motels should be avoided."

Sandra laughed for the first time, and it was a beautiful laugh, light and bell-like. Emily's heart, which had been hammering since Marina's phone call, calmed down a bit. This was going okay so far. Derek reached over and squeezed Emily's hand.

"Well, anyway, here's my story. We decided we wanted to travel last spring. We hitched rides, mostly from truck drivers, down the I-5 and made our way to LA. We hung out there for awhile and saved everything we took in and then we started traveling east, by bus and hitchhiking. We made it to Florida in June. I liked it there. We were certainly cleaner than we usually are, with an ocean that doesn't give you frostbite. Tommy started hanging out with us, just showed up one day. He was a nice kid. He said he was eighteen, but I don't think so. He didn't hang out with us long. I got the feeling that he had a family, and on his last night there, I told him if he had a good family, he should get back to it and figure shit out. He really didn't belong on the streets. I'm usually big on protection, but that night with Tommy, we didn't use a condom, and the next morning he was gone."

Sandra shrugged her shoulders. "I hope he went back home, wherever home was. Anyway, I probably smoked pot once a week the rest of that summer. I don't do it often. Normally we can't afford it, especially since we were wanting to travel, and we only ever buy our pot. My family is not interested in some of the shit that goes on in exchange for drugs. Around the end of August, I figured out I was pregnant and stopped smoking it all together. We stayed in Florida for the winter, but then I started really showing and people started getting really interested in me, mostly do-good church ladies. We had to move around a lot and started making our way up the east coast at the beginning of March. I was hoping to get to New York before I delivered, but started feeling like crap yesterday afternoon, and it was the first time I really admitted to myself that this baby was going to end up in foster care if I didn't do something about it. I know an infant probably stands a good shot at getting a permanent home, but I wanted to be the one choosing that home, not some social worker. And here we are."

Emily was thinking what a completely dangerous, sad life this was and she wanted nothing more than to get this girl off the streets. But Sandra didn't want to get off the streets and that's not why they were there, she reminded herself.

Derek found his voice first. "It sounds like you lead quite an adventurous life."

Sandra smiled at him, "I like it. I know you probably think I'm crazy, but I do like it. My family isn't perfect. Sometimes we hustle people, but nothing that would make your FBI heads spin too much. Alexis, the other girl in my family, and I used to pretend to be pregnant sometimes because people were more generous. And in Portland, we had a dog. We left him with some friends. People are strange. They always want to make sure the dog is eating, so he was a good meal ticket, too."

Emily patted Sandra's arm, "We're very glad you chose us."

"I think you guys were a good choice. You're cool."

Marina stepped in at that point. "When I left Sandra in the room to call you, I asked her to start thinking about what kind of arrangement she'd be interested in, in terms of keeping in touch with you and the baby. Have you thought about it, Sandra?"

"Yes. My family wants to head back to Portland soon, so I know we won't be seeing each other. But I have an email account I check in the library that I use to keep in touch with some people I've gotten to know who have moved on. I was thinking you could email me. I'd like to see pictures. Maybe once every three months? Is that too much? I mean, I'm only doing this because I wanted to choose the parents. And then when Marina told me I could stay updated, I got excited about that. I'd like to know how the baby is doing."

Again, Emily had to hold herself back. She wanted to throw her arms around this sweet, young woman. She wanted to say, "Let us help you." Instead she looked at Derek and they shared a brief conversation with their eyes.

"You know, Sandra, when we decided to go this route it was because we wanted a birth mother to have the power to choose who the parents were, and we wanted the baby to know where he or she came from," said Derek. "Emailing every three months isn't a problem at all. And if you want a little more, we wouldn't be opposed to flying out to Portland, or wherever you are, once a year, so you could see the baby."

Sandra's eyes opened wide. "Really? You'd do that?"

"If you'd like us to, yes," said Emily.

"Wow. OK. I'll think about that. It might be weird. The only other thing is that I wanted to give you my name ideas, but you don't have to use them."

Emily smiled at her and nodded. The reality that there was going to be a baby in this room very soon and it was looking like this was going to work out was not lost on her. Though Sandra still could change her mind, there didn't seem to be any hesitation. The butterflies in her stomach were back in full force.

"Thomas, for a boy. For Tommy. And if it's a girl, Alia. I got way into science fiction books two summers ago and read my way through a lot of good stories at the library."

Emily laughed. "Children of Dune?"

"You read that?"

"A long time ago, but yes. Alia is a very pretty name, even though she wasn't a very pretty character. We haven't really talked about names, but we'll think about it."

* * *

><p>They spent another hour talking, getting to know Sandra a bit better. Emily and Derek learned why she was so well spoken given her background; Sandra read books like crazy, because the library was free, warm and dry, which was particularly helpful in Portland. Every once in awhile, she'd use some money to buy books from the fifty cent book sale the library put on, just so she could keep reading while she was outside. Sandra asked them questions about their jobs and backgrounds, and some of the cases they'd worked on. It was a relaxed and easy conversation.<p>

Michael came back in the room around 1:30 and joined in the conversation, and Sandra started looking at the clock more. It was easy to see her getting nervous. Shortly after, two nurses came back in with Marina. One nurse gave Emily and Derek their hospital bands, and Emily's heart started beating at a frantic pace.

Sandra looked at them once those bands went on, and then at Michael. "They should be the ones in the operating room, Michael."

Emily and Derek looked at each other and both of their eyes welled with tears that they tried to blink back. This was happening, and she was inviting them in to see the birth.

Michael laughed. "That means I cut my hair for nothing." He stepped forward and kissed Sandra's forehead. "Whatever you want. I can wait here."

One nurse patted Sandra's arm and looked at Emily and Derek. "I'll let the doctor know that you both will be in the room. Let's get you down there, Sandra." She disconnected Sandra from the blood pressure cuff and released the brakes on the bed. The nurses rolled Sandra from the room and Emily and Derek followed, Marina giving them an encouraging smile as they walked out of the room.

Emily wasn't quite sure how her legs were carrying her down the hall. She'd never be able to tell you the path they took, or what the hospital hallways looked like. She was singularly focused on the bed in front of her. Derek held her hand as they walked and kept squeezing it.

The nurse stopped them at the doors to the operating room. "Wait here a minute."

Derek turned his body so he was facing Emily and kissed her softly. "This doesn't feel real," he whispered.

"Tell me about it," said Emily. Then they both started laughing quietly, nervousness bubbling to the surface.

The nurse returned and brought them to a small room where she gave them paper scrubs and head covers. Emily's was visibly shaking, and the nurse placed a gentle hand on Emily's shoulder. "Take some deep breaths, Honey. You both need to stay in here until her spinal is done. I'll come back to get you in a few minutes."

They sat in the little room and held hands quietly for several long minutes.

"What about names?" asked Derek.

"I have no idea. Derek, when I first woke up this morning, I thought my biggest challenge was going to be preventing Garcia from talking me into a polka dot wedding dress."

They both laughed again. "Since we're kind of in a pinch here, I was thinking naming the baby after my father if it was a boy. Or your grandmother if it was a girl. We can use Sandra's names as middle names."

Emily smiled, liking that idea, but further discussion was interrupted when the nurse came back and told them they could come in.

* * *

><p>Sandra looked impossibly younger with her hair cover on. It was only her fresh face, freckles and blue eyes that were visible. Her lip ring was out, as were all of her earrings. She looked scared. The anesthesiologist sat on one side of her head, Derek sat behind her head, and Emily sat on the other side of her head. I large sheet was hanging above Sandra's chest, so that the actual surgery would be blocked from view.<p>

The nurse came over and said, "When the baby's born, one of you can come over to take pictures. Once the baby is cleaned up and assessed, you can both get up. We'll let you know when."

Emily looked at Derek and nodded. He understood that Emily would remain seated while he got up to take pictures.

Sandra turned her head to Emily and a single tear rolled down her cheek. "I'm nervous," she whispered.

Emily took Sandra's hand in hers. "It's going to be okay. We're right here."

The doctor came over and placed a reassuring hand on Sandra's forehead. "It's going to take us about ten or fifteen minutes to get the baby out, and then another forty-five or so to take care of everything else and stitch you up. Okay? Let's have a baby," he said in a nurturing, deep voice.

Sandra nodded. Her eyes never left Emily's.

It was ten minutes that felt like an eternity. Emily was aware of Sandra's eyes on her, and she never broke that eye contact. She was aware of the doctor talking, saying they were almost there. She was aware of Derek's hand on her thigh.

And then a loud cry filled the room. Sandra blinked away from Emily, looking shocked. And Emily's eyes filled with tears. "It's a girl," the doctor called out.

Derek smiled, tears of his own in his eyes, and put a gentle hand on Sandra's cheek before kissing Emily's head. He stood, his phone out, to take pictures.

Emily whispered their name idea in Sandra's ear, and Sandra looked at her and smiled. "Perfect," she whispered.

Emily was dying to get up and see the baby. She could hear Derek laughing quietly and sniffling and she turned away from Sandra for the first time to look back to the other side of the room, where there was indeed a baby on a table, crying. She couldn't see much.

Her heart felt like it was somewhere around her knees. The nurse told Emily she could stand up, and she wasn't sure her legs would hold her at first. She looked at Sandra, "I'll bring her back here so you can see her, okay?"

Sandra nodded and Emily stood. Before she could think or consider anything at all, the nurse handed her a baby wrapped in a blanket, a pink cap on her head. Her skin was a very light, creamy mocha. Emily lifted the cap slightly and saw a shock of curly, black hair. When the baby opened her eyes, she saw a deep blue you could get lost in.

She looked at Derek. He was hopelessly in love already. Emily wasn't too far behind him, but she reminded herself to keep it together. For the first time she realized she was setting herself up for another, potentially huge emotional loss. The clock started here. If Sandra signed the papers today, she'd still have ten days to change her mind. Sandra seemed certain, but still, Emily tried very much not to get too attached yet. It was nearly impossible.

Emily brought the baby to Sandra so she could see, and Derek stood right behind her, his hand on her back.

Sandra smiled. "So you're the one whose been kicking me all these months." Sandra looked at Emily for several long seconds, then she looked back at the baby. "It's nice to meet you Vivienne Alia..." she paused. "Morgan?"

Emily and Derek, with tears in their eyes, nodded and Sandra repeated it, a smile on her face. "It's nice to meet you Vivienne Alia Morgan."


	21. Chapter 21

They followed Sandra's hospital bed and the bassinet carrying the baby back to the hospital room. Derek put his arm around Emily and kissed her cheek.

"Vivienne?" he asked Emily in a shocked, hushed tone.

Emily smiled. "You were sweet, offering up my grandmother's name, but you know I'm not close with my family. You are, though. That was your father's mother's name, right?" She looked at him slightly panicked, like maybe she remembered wrong.

Derek laughed quietly and kissed her again. "You got it right. I love you."

"I love you, too. I can't believe this."

Once Sandra was back in her hospital room and sitting up in bed, once Vivienne's bassinet had been pushed in there by a nurse, Sandra asked to hold the baby. Derek picked Vivienne up and passed her to Sandra. He noticed Marina smiling at him reassuringly. Michael came and sat on the edge of the bed to look. He and Sandra shared smiles, but for the most part, Sandra couldn't take her eyes off the baby. And each second she stared at Vivienne, Derek felt himself getting worried.

Derek noticed Emily was handling all of this better than he was. She seemed to have her guard up, whereas he had let every reservation and feeling of doubt crumble to non-existence the moment Emily walked into their house a few hours before and said they'd been chosen. He was kicking himself for that now, because every moment Vivienne spent in Sandra's arms felt precarious. He knew he shouldn't feel that way, but he did.

Sandra was open to them taking pictures with the baby and she let Emily and Derek help feed Vivienne her first couple of bottles. But as afternoon rolled into late evening, she held Vivienne closely to her and said, "I'll sign the paperwork tomorrow. I just want one night with her by myself. Michael can stay here and help me if I need it."

Emily was the one who spoke quietly, while managing a smile. "OK, Sandra. Can we bring you anything back in the morning?"

Sandra grinned. "Maybe a good breakfast?"

"Absolutely. I know just the place." Emily glanced in the corner of the room where a large plastic bag sat with the top of a backpack visible. "What about your clothes? Can we wash those for you?"

Sandra looked in the corner of the room and hesitated. Derek could understand why; everything she owned was in that bag. Finally, Sandra said, "That would actually be great. I know you'll be back with my things; I've got the kid."

They both gave her thin smiles. They hugged her and kissed the baby, Derek grabbed the bag, and they walked out of the hospital room, Marina following them.

"Should we stay in the waiting room?" asked Derek.

"Go home and get some rest tonight," Marina advised them. "This isn't that uncommon. Don't think of it as an indication that she's changing her mind. One of our staff will stay here tonight in case she needs help or has questions. We'll call you if there's a problem."

They both nodded. They both tried to remain strong. They rode the elevator down and walked out of the hospital, hands clasped and barely holding back tears. Everything felt numb.

"Hey!" a voice called to them, "Are those Sandra's things? Where are you taking her things?"

They turned to look at a dirty young woman with large, hazel eyes and a stern look. Alexis, they presumed.

"We're just washing her clothes," said Derek.

Alexis reached her hand out to grab the bag. "We can do that for her."

One of the young men spoke up, "Al, we haven't been on the street in a couple of days. We barely have any money."

Emily smiled at Alexis and then pulled out her phone. It was quiet while she looked for something, Derek holding the bag and Alexis with one hand on it. They were all looking at Emily.

"There's a laundromat about two blocks east. Why don't you take Sandra's things and meet us there. We can wash all of your clothes and sleeping bags and get you some dinner if you'd like," Emily said.

The two young men smiled, but Alexis was less certain. Finally, she nodded. Derek handed her the bag and said, "See you in a few minutes."

They got burgers, they washed the filthy clothing, they learned the names of the other two men: Gabe and Joey. Emily held up some of Sandra's things and they both noticed the seams torn on the waistband of her pants, and on the sides of shirts, strung together with twine.

"She had to cut them to make them fit these past couple of months," said Alexis.

They didn't talk much after that. Derek and Emily weren't up for big conversations at the moment, and the kids didn't seem that interested in them anyway. When all of the clothes and sleeping bags were washed and dried, Derek held firmly onto Sandra's backpack. He felt like it was his surefire ticket back into that hospital room and he wasn't about to let it go. "We're supposed to bring this back to her in the morning. She trusted us to do that."

And, finally, Alexis gave them a small smile and nodded.

Once back in their car, Derek called Garcia, who was unusually reserved and calm, greeting him with a quiet and hopeful, "Hello?"

"What do you know about street kid fashion?" he asked her.

"Depends where said street kids reside," she responded in a perplexed voice.

"Portland."

"Ah, gutter punks. Got it. I know enough."

"You feel up for some shopping?"

"Me, thrift shops and surplus stores go way back. I can handle that. Just give me the sizes. But, Derek, how's it going?"

"I don't know," he responded sadly. "The baby's beautiful and healthy. A little girl. Vivienne Alia. We adore her, but I don't know. She's staying with Sandra in the hospital tonight and we're going home."

Emily put her hand on his arm in comfort. They allowed themselves a few tears.

* * *

><p>That night they brushed their teeth and stripped down to their underwear, crawling into bed and wrapping their arms around each other.<p>

"Do you think she's going to back out?" asked Derek.

"I really don't think so. I hope not," responded Emily quietly.

They were silent for a long time. Derek couldn't sleep. He was thinking what a strange feeling it was - an infant had never crossed the threshold of their home, and yet it seemed oddly empty inside their house without that little baby girl he'd only held for a short while that afternoon.

Thirty minutes later he whispered, "Em, are you asleep?"

"No."

"Do you want to go back to the hospital and sit in the waiting room?" he asked.

Emily lifted her head up and smiled sweetly at him. She placed her hand on his cheek. "Whatever tomorrow looks like, we're going to need our rest for it. We should try to sleep." She put her head down again, kissed his chest, and gently rubbed her hand up and down his arm. Finally, he felt himself drifting off into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

><p>The next morning they showed up at the hospital around nine with Sandra's backpack and Bennington's for breakfast. Derek wasn't sure where Sandra's friends had slept the night before, but they were back in front of the hospital that morning. Michael was with them. Derek handed them containers of to-go food.<p>

Michael stood up, and this time he reached out his hand to shake Derek's. "Thanks for washing the clothes and taking care of their dinner last night. And for breakfast. Sandra talked a little last night about giving it a shot, welfare and a halfway house and keeping the baby, but she decided that was a fucked up start to any kid's life. Maybe we'll do it, and get off the streets, when we get back to Portland. But she wants the baby with you guys. She really likes you both. I kind of do, too. You're okay for a couple of feds. She's ready to sign the paperwork."

"Really? She's ready to sign?" asked Emily.

Michael smiled, "Really. She just called Marina a few minutes ago."

Just then, Emily's phone rang. She answered it and talked and listened for a couple of minutes. She disconnected the call with tears in her eyes and turned to look at Derek. "Marina's on her way."

After that, what seemed like an eternity of angst and uncertainty the night before sped up into a rapid pace of feelings that Derek could barely keep up with; never had he been so emotionally torn between elation and all-encompassing empathy and sadness. Emily sent a text to JJ and Penelope and said they needed a car seat and some basics quickly. Marina showed up. Sandra signed. They signed. Two hours later, a pediatrician gave Vivienne the all clear to leave the hospital.

And Sandra started crying.

"We don't have to leave," said Derek quietly while holding Vivienne in his arms. "We can stay here as long as you want us to."

Sandra shook her head and gasped through her tears, "I'm so tired. I just want to sleep." Then she really started crying hard, "I just want her in a real home as fast as possible. Please leave."

Emily sighed. She put her hand on Derek's shoulder and gave him a small smile before taking a seat on the edge of Sandra's bed. She placed her hand on Sandra's cheek and brushed away her tears. "You know, around ten years ago I gave up a little boy. The circumstances were very different; I didn't give birth to him, but I loved him very much. He meant everything to me. I gave him up because it really was the best thing for him given the circumstances. But, Sandra, my mistake was thinking that I had to forget him in order to let him go. Trying to forget him really made a mess of my life in the long run and it took me allowing myself to remember him to get my life back."

Emily paused to catch her breath. Derek saw her blinking back her own tears. Sandra's eyes were latched right onto Emily's and she continued, "We chose an open adoption because we don't want Vivienne to forget you. And we don't want you to forget her. You don't have to shut down your feelings to let us raise her. You should remember her, and we're to help you do that, if you'll let us."

Sandra didn't say anything, she just stared at Emily, but her tears slowed.

"I'll tell you what," said Emily. "We'll come back here to visit tomorrow around noon. You just tell Marina if you don't want us to. And you tell her if you'd like us back sooner. We'll be here."

Sandra nodded and placed her hand on Emily's, squeezing it. Emily kissed Sandra's cheek and stood. She put her arm around Derek and they walked out of the room with the baby.

Marina stayed with Sandra and told them she'd call to check in later. Michael was waiting outside of the hospital room. He looked at Emily. "You're a really good person. You both are. She'll be okay."

Nothing felt certain to Derek. Sandra still had ten days to change her mind. They sat in the main lobby of the hospital, Derek with Vivienne in his arms and Emily with her head resting on his shoulder, both of them falling in love with the beautiful little baby, both of their hearts aching for the beautiful young woman upstairs who they'd left in tears. They waited for JJ to arrive with the car seat, a nurse hovering nearby because they technically couldn't release Vivienne until she was in a car seat.

JJ and Penelope blew into the hospital with just the infant carrier, JJ holding the carrier's base in one hand. Derek could see them trying not to look overly excited, just because they understood that Sandra could still change her mind, but that lasted about a nanosecond.

They stepped right up to Emily and Derek and looked at Vivienne. Penelope quietly clapped her hands and said, "Oh my God, she is gorgeous. We finally have a girl in the family."

JJ looked from the baby to Emily, blinking back tears.

"What?" asked Emily.

"Nothing, she's just beautiful."

Emily looked at her like she didn't quite believe that was it, but she let it go. She smiled at JJ. "She is beautiful."

"OK," said Garcia, "So you know how they'll show on the news those stories where people get like ten minutes to go nuts on a shopping spree in a store. We pretty much just did that in the baby section at Target. It was the closest place open on a Sunday morning. It was like shopping on speed. I was good at it."

JJ raised her eyebrow at Garcia and shook her head at Emily and Derek, "She pretty much grabbed one of everything in the infant girl clothing area and kept laughing maniacally as she did it. _I_ had to blow through the other areas and get everything else and get her out of there before someone called the cops to put a psych hold on her."

Derek grinned and Emily laughed. "Pen, I said some basics."

Penelope winked at her, "Right. _Basic_ally everything."

Emily unwrapped Vivienne from her blanket, revealing the simple hospital onesie. "Oh, Viv," Penelope whispered to the baby, "We have got to get you into a new outfit."

JJ helped them adjust the straps on the car seat so they were in the right place, and they got Vivienne buckled in. The nurse took a look, they signed another form, and the nurse wished them well. Emily covered the baby back up with the blanket and they walked out the door, Derek holding the carrier.

Alexis approached them and squatted down so she could look at the baby. She placed a very grimy finger gently on Vivienne's cheek, and Derek managed to hold back a grimace. Alexis stood and smiled at them both. "She's cute. You'll be good for her. And I'll be glad not to have to give Sandra most of our food anymore."

Derek huffed out a laugh.

On the walk to the car, he said to Emily, "They really are a family, the whole grungy group of them, however bizarre we might find their lifestyle and choices."

"We're a family," piped up Garcia. "We've got sad and hard jobs that most people couldn't handle for as long as we have, even if you two aren't there anymore. Most people can't understand how we still celebrate and find joy in life. Most people would find our lifestyle bizarre. But we're still a family."

Derek grinned. "True."

* * *

><p>That afternoon, after the massive amounts of baby items from JJ's car were unloaded into their home, after baby clothing was washed and the bassinet was put together, and bottles were sterilized and JJ left for home while Penelope left to hit the thrift shops, Derek and Emily allowed themselves to enjoy Vivienne. They put her on the bed between them and counted fingers and toes. They kissed her and held her and fed her and sang to her. They smiled and kissed each other.<p>

They called their supervisors and said neither would be at work the following week, on personal leave. Derek told his supervisor why, since he'd barely just returned from personal leave. And Emily prepared Section Chief James for a likely family leave. He was nothing but happy for them both, much to Emily's relief.

They planned for a quiet ten days at home, living like recluses, just in case this all went south. But they didn't hold back their love for Vivienne at all, their confidence building that she would be theirs with every second she was in their home.

That night, when Vivienne was in Emily's arms, Derek bent over to give Emily a lingering kiss, before placing his hand gently on her face and smiling.

"You were amazing in that hospital room with Sandra."

Emily smiled back, "I was just honest."

"Keeping the soil rich?" asked Derek.

She shook her head and whispered, "Wrong Carlos-ism. Giving people the pure ingredients within me so good things can happen."


	22. Chapter 22

Emily became aware of Vivienne fussing in the middle of the night, but before she could get up, she heard Derek's voice.

"Shh, Viv. I've got your bottle right here," Derek whispered.

Emily, laying with her head facing away from Derek and Vivienne's bassinet, looked at the clock - four o'clock in the morning. Emily was about to roll over to look at them when she heard Derek whisper, "This, Miss Vivienne, is called a preemptive strike. I knew you'd wake up soon so I got your bottle ready. Your mommy's been hogging you all night."

Emily's heart stopped at the word "mommy." Part of her wanted to tell him not to refer to her that way yet, just in case, and part of her wanted him to say the word over and over again. She decided not to over-analyze it; avoiding the word was not going to make it easier if Sandra changed her mind, for either of them. And Derek was so happy, she just didn't want to detract from that in any way.

She felt the bed dip behind her as Derek sat down with Vivienne. She turned over and gave Derek a sleepy smile when he looked at her. "I have not been hogging her."

Derek winked at Emily and looked back at the baby in his arms. "Lies, Viv. All lies. She has so been hogging you. It's a good thing I love her so much."

Emily gave him a quiet laugh and drifted off to sleep again while watched him gaze lovingly at Vivienne.

The next morning, everything felt amplified for Emily. Waking up with Vivienne in the house made the situation feel much more real, but it wasn't just that. When she first came home from the hospital and Derek would put his arms around her or kiss her neck or cheek, it felt really good, but new. And then after she started remembering, it felt right, like the two of them belonged together in a way no two people ever did. But that morning, with Vivienne in her arms, when Derek came and stood behind her and kissed her neck, she didn't just feel like Emily anymore, or just the two of them anymore, she felt like a mother, and like they had a real family. Everything narrowed to that pinprick of emotion inside her heart, the feeling of absolute completeness, that she very much just wanted to let loose, but she had to hold back. For now. For nine more days.

* * *

><p>Marina never called them to say Sandra didn't want them to come, so they headed to the hospital at noon on Monday, neither quite sure what to feel or expect. Emily was surprised when they showed up - Alexis, Joey and Gabe were out front again, looking surprisingly clean, and in what appeared to be a few new articles of clothing. Michael was with them, and they all smiled when they saw them. Alexis rushed over, followed by Gabe and Joey, both with grins on their faces.<p>

"That lady that was with you when you left the hospital yesterday? Penelope? She showed back up here in the afternoon and said she was going shopping for new clothes for Sandra and we could come with her if we wanted. She took us to a truck stop gas station with showers and we got cleaned up, and then she let us each get a few new things at the thrift store. We picked out things for Sandra and Michael, too." Alexis laughed happily. "After, she took us out to dinner to a pretty nice place, a nicer place than we've ever been. The waitress wasn't very happy we were there, even though we were pretty clean. But Penelope took out her badge and told her that we were there with her on official FBI business and she should change her attitude."

Gabe laughed, "Penelope's pretty awesome."

"That she definitely is," said Derek with a laugh.

They rode the elevator up to the maternity floor with smiles on their faces. Marina was waiting for them, and Emily tensed. But Marina calmly rubbed her arm. "It's okay, Emily. She hasn't changed her mind or even hesitated. But the doctor came in to talk with her about being released tomorrow. We're all a little leery because she has every intent to head back to the streets and she's just had pretty major surgery. I can get her into a group home while she heals a bit more, but she's not interested. I've a feeling she'll say she'll take that option so she can get out of the hospital, and then she'll bolt with her family. We can't hold her there."

Derek nodded solemnly. "Let us talk to her."

Sandra was happy to see them, and happy to see Vivienne, but not with the tears or same attachment they'd experienced the day before. She hadn't forgotten, but she'd let Vivienne go a bit. She actually laughed when they came in the room and said, "I've been taking Sudafed so my milk dries up quicker and this morning this nurse comes in with cabbage leaves because she says it will help. I put them in my bra and the nurse says, 'It's not going to smell very good, but it will make things easier.' And I told her I've smelled way worse. We all laughed. I wish you'd been here."

Emily did laugh, accompanied by Derek. But they were concerned. This was a major turn from the day before and they didn't know where it came from.

Sandra asked to hold Vivienne and commented on her cute outfit.

"Our friend, Penelope, bought it," said Emily.

Sandra smiled brightly, "She bought me new clothes, too. They're great. She visited last night after she brought them. She told me a lot more about you two, and all of your strange, but very cool family. You're so right for Vivienne. And me. Probably all of us. You never judged me or my family once. You understand about how love and family finds you in crazy ways that most people can't understand. I figure two people with that much love and openness are the perfect people for Vivienne."

_Ah,_ thought Emily, _Penelope Garcia. _The shift in Sandra's mood became much clearer. She looked at Derek who smiled at her with watery eyes and then at Sandra.

"Sandra, we don't know how to thank you. Vivienne is beautiful and we love her, and you're where she came from. We want you to be safe, and we don't want you back out on the streets so soon after surgery," Derek quietly said.

Sandra looked at him, "I just want to get home to Portland. That's home to me. We just feel like we'll be able to earn enough to get to Portland sooner in New York rather than here. We need to go there so we can get home faster."

Derek nodded and stood up. "Excuse me for a minute," he said.

Emily sat in the room while Sandra held Vivienne, smiling and relaxed.

"What was his name? The little boy you gave up?" asked Sandra.

"Declan. He's a teenager now, in high school."

"Do you see him?"

"Yes, but only since very recently. Like I told you, I spent a long time trying to make myself forget him."

"Does he love you?"

"Yes. And I love him," Emily spoke quietly.

"But he has another family now?"

"He has someone he considers a father, yes. His name is Tom. He was a friend of mine, and I left Declan with him, because Declan's biological father was not a good person."

"Why do you think Declan remembered you and loved you after you left him?"

"Because he was older and knew enough to know that I was only trying to do what was best for him."

Sandra stared at Emily for several seconds. "But Vivienne is only a baby," she said quietly.

Emily understood the significance behind the conversation now. "And that's why it would be our job to make sure she never forgot about you and could always find space in her life and her heart to love you, even though she'd be with us."

Sandra blinked at Emily, her brilliant blue eyes searching for something. Finally, she whispered, "I believe you'd do that."

Sandra quieted after that and refocused her attention on Vivienne, and Emily, with her heart pounding, let a bit of that feeling of completeness in her heart loose. This was feeling more certain now, and she knew she'd done the right thing, being honest. Good things were coming.

Derek came back in the room with Michael awhile later. Derek went right up and sat on the edge of Sandra's bed. "I'm going to propose an option to you, Sandra. Michael says that none of your family really cares about seeing New York. You were only going there to try and earn enough to get home. There's a bus that leaves from DC tomorrow at 4:30pm. There are three transfers, but it would get you to Portland in a little over four days. Emily and I will buy tickets for all of you. And then I talked to a youth hostel in Portland, and you can all stay there for a week while you heal more. Emily and I know a Sheriff Daniels in Portland. He'd meet you at the bus when you arrived and make sure you got checked in okay to the hostel. He'd vouch for you. After that, it's up to you. What do you think?"

Tears welled in Sandra's eyes. "We'd be home in a little over four days?"

"Yes. But I don't want you to think we're trying to get rid of you. You could stay in DC for awhile, too. We'd be okay with that. You could all stay here and we could help you if you wanted us to."

Sandra shook her head, "No. I want to go home. You'd really do that for us?"

Derek placed a hand on her arm. He was totally honest, too. "Of course. But, Sandra, you have to understand that Marina explained this to me: Once you leave the area, it would be harder for you to change your mind about Vivienne, even within the days you have left to do so."

Sandra looked at him wide-eyed, and then she looked at Emily. "I am not changing my mind. Stop worrying about that. This is the best for Vivienne and that's all I care about." She placed her hand over Derek's, "I want to go home."

That afternoon, when they were leaving the hospital, Emily sent a text to Penelope. _There aren't enough thank yous in the world._

* * *

><p>That evening when they were home and feeling more settled that Vivienne was a certainty, they sat on the couch together, Vivienne in Derek's arms, and they laughed in happiness. They didn't have a lot of words to share beyond "I love you," directed at each other and the beautiful baby in front of them.<p>

A knock at the door startled them. Emily went to answer it and was surprised when she looked through the peephole and saw Rossi. She mouthed his name to Derek, who grimaced a bit and then shrugged.

Emily opened the door and Rossi stepped in. "I went to bring a coffee to Derek this evening at work and was told by his supervisor that he was on personal leave. Then I went back to the BAU and pressed Garcia until she cracked. Where's the baby?"

Emily smiled and pointed to the living room. Rossi was not shy or reserved. He walked right up to Derek and took Vivienne from him, cradling her in his arms. "Mia bella," he said softly. Then he looked at Derek, "Why haven't you told your mother?"

Derek was firm, "Because she's seen enough sorrow in her life. The birth mother could still change her mind and I don't want my mom to go through that. We'll tell her next week, when there is no doubt left."

Rossi cradled Vivienne in his arms. He kissed her cheek and didn't say anything for a long time, only gazing at the sleeping baby in his arms. Finally he whispered, "Your mother can handle this, Derek."

Derek's tone didn't change, "You didn't live through what I lived through with her. Please don't tell her. I just don't want to ever see that level of sorrow or anguish in her eyes again."

Rossi stared at him for a long time before nodding. He reverted his gaze back to Vivienne and smiled. "She is truly something. I've never seen a prettier baby."

* * *

><p>Once that cat was out of the bag, Spencer and Hotch were not far behind. Spencer showed up while Rossi was still at the house and Hotch came the following morning, driving thirty minutes out of his way before turning back to return to Quantico. They held Vivienne, they kissed her. Emily was reminded that she had a truly remarkable family.<p>

JJ came a little after Hotch on that Tuesday morning. She said she'd go into work a bit later. She held Vivienne and sat next to Emily on the couch while Derek was upstairs taking a shower.

"Why did you look at me like that in the waiting room at the hospital on Sunday?" asked Emily.

JJ didn't take her eyes of Vivienne. "I told you it was nothing. It was just because she was so beautiful."

Emily smiled, "In case you haven't noticed, we're not pulling that shit around here anymore. It's all truth, all the time. So why?"

JJ looked at Emily and was honest. "Because I held your hand on the floor of that Macy's and thought you were going to die. Because you've always averted your eyes down and to the left when things didn't feel right for you or you were hiding something. I always let it go before, figuring you'd tell me if you needed to talk. I was checking in on Sunday, and your eyes stayed on mine and didn't look down, so I knew you were good." JJ stopped and took a deep breath. "Because a little over four months ago, I never thought you'd ever be okay again, and I get a little teary every time you show me you are." She looked back at Vivienne and stopped talking.

Emily blinked back tears and put her hand on JJ's arm, "I should have told you everything on the plane to Paris. I regret that just as much as everything else. I knew I could trust you with everything and I didn't. But you haven't lost me and I'm still your friend, and I remember mostly everything now. So let's make tears a part of our past, okay?"

JJ smiled and nodded. "Sounds good to me. How could anyone cry around this perfect baby anyway?"

* * *

><p>Late on Tuesday afternoon, they took two cars to the hospital. Sandra was ready to go. She was wearing some of the new clothes Penelope had purchased for her, she was clean and had a smile on her face that didn't falter. The doctor had given her antibacterial wipes for her sutures, a thermometer, and a bottle of antibiotics. Should she get a fever any time on the bus trip, she was to start taking them and get to the nearest clinic. Sandra agreed to all of this.<p>

Michael carried Sandra's backpack and they met up with the rest of their family outside of the hospital, with hugs shared all around. They split into the two cars, Sandra riding in the backseat of Derek's car next to Vivienne, and arrived at the bus depot.

Everything moved quickly after that. Sandra and her family were so happy to be heading back to Portland, their transportation certain. But Sandra was also sad, gazing at Emily and Derek and Vivienne. She still looked positive about her decision, but she would miss them all, not just the baby, Emily could see that.

Derek and Emily used their badges and boarded the bus with the group to make sure they were settled. Derek passed out individual envelopes, each with three hundred dollars in it. "For food on the trip and while you're at the youth hostel. You keep Sandra off the streets until she's feeling stronger, okay?"

The group looked in the envelopes and then back at Derek and Emily with awe, nodding and promising. Next Derek handed them each a piece of paper that included phone numbers for him, Emily, Hotch and both the BAU and Emily's Section Chief. "If anyone gives you a hard time on your bus transfers, you tell them to call one of these numbers. If anyone hassles you ever, you tell them to call one of these numbers."

The group nodded again and Sandra stood from her seat. She hugged Derek and then she hugged Emily. She bent to kiss Vivienne who was cradled in Emily's arms. "I'm going to do it. I'm going to let you come see me next year and I'm going to be a birth mother Vivienne can be proud of. You just wait and see. I'm not going to call or write you an email until next Tuesday, to you or Marina. The next time you hear from me, it's going to be when you won't worry that I'm going to want her back, because I'm not. You are the best parents for her."

And Emily cried. She'd promised herself she wouldn't, but she couldn't help herself. They were just words from Sandra, but they were genuine words that she felt she could count on. And she cared about Sandra and really would miss her. And she let the piece in her heart she'd held back grow. _Complete,_ she thought, and she almost totally believed it now.

"Thank you," said Emily.

Sandra sniffled and laughed, "Thank _you."_

Derek and Emily stood close to each other on the platform and waited until the bus pulled away. When the tail lights curved the bend and could no longer be seen she moved her arms to hand Vivienne to Derek, saying the word she'd avoided for the past couple of days. She kissed Vivienne and passed her to Derek, "I think your daddy wants a turn to hold you now," she whispered to the baby.

On the drive home, after almost thirty minutes of contemplation, she called Derek from her car when they were pulling onto their block. She could see his car behind her in her rear view mirror.

"We need to call your mother," said Emily when Derek answered.

"I know," he said quietly. "I'm just worried."

Emily was quiet for a few seconds while she pulled up in front of their brownstone. Then she laughed.

"What?" asked Derek over the speaker in the car.

"No need to call your mom."

Derek pulled in right behind Emily and got out of the car, both he and Emily standing and facing their front porch where Fran sat with a suitcase next to her. "David Rossi thought he could keep something from me. As if. I'm stronger than you give me credit for, Derek Morgan," she called out. "Where is my granddaughter?"


	23. Chapter 23

Until Emily saw Fran, she didn't realize how much she missed her.

Fran was no nonsense with a single focus. She had Vivienne out of the car seat and in her arms before Emily could unlock their front door. Fran went right to the couch with the baby, leaving her suitcase on the porch for Derek to carry in. She sat with Vivienne's legs on her lap, the baby's upper body and head supported by Fran's gentle hands. Fran cried and laughed, and Vivienne had her astonishing blue eyes wide open, taking in the sight of her loving grandmother for the first time.

Finally Fran looked at Derek with tears in her eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Derek cleared his throat and went to sit on the couch next to Fran. "I was just trying to protect you, in case the birth mother changed her mind."

Fran shook her head, "I'd rather know someone who was such an important part of you and Emily for a few days than never know her at all. Will the birth mother change her mind?"

Emily spoke up, apology in her voice, "No. I don't think so now. I'm almost positive she won't. We weren't that sure until this afternoon. We were about to call you."

"Tell me everything," Fran said while smiling at Vivienne.

Emily and Derek told her the whole story, from the phone call Emily got on Saturday morning, to being in the room with Sandra while she had her c-section, to the agonizing Saturday night they spent at home without Vivienne, right up until that afternoon when they put Sandra and her family on a bus back to Portland.

Fran sniffled and composed herself. She brought Vivienne's face towards hers and kissed the soft, baby cheeks. "David and I talk every morning when he's not on a case. I called him this morning and I could tell he wasn't telling me something right away. My first thought was that something happened to one of you. He assured me you both were okay. Then I asked him if someone through the adoption agency had chosen you, and he was quiet for just a beat too long. Then I told him I was getting on the next flight out of Chicago and I could show up at his house and torture the information out of him or he could just tell me."

Derek and Emily laughed. Derek leaned towards Fran and whispered, "I'm sorry. I just didn't want you to ever feel hurt again."

"Derek Morgan," whispered Fran, "I thought you'd already learned this life lesson. If the birth mother changes her mind, we would all be sad, but we could be sad together and heal. If that had happened and I'd never even knew about Vivienne, but found out later, that would have been a hurt that was difficult to get past. Sadness can come from the truth, but we can all work through sadness. Debilitating hurt comes from secrets."

Derek looked right at Emily, and they both acknowledged what Fran had said. She was right.

Emily came closer and whispered, "I'm sorry, Fran."

Fran looked at her. "Hush. It's okay. I've said my peace. I'm just trying to enjoy my granddaughter now. Vivienne. Whose idea was the name?"

Derek smiled, "Emily's."

Fran looked at Emily and graced her with one of her patented Fran smiles; the smile that spoke volumes about unconditional love and family.

Emily impulsively blurted out, "I love you, Fran."

Fran smiled, "I love you, too, Emily. For a long time, I just wanted Derek to be happy, and you make him happy. But you make me happy, too. And look at this beautiful baby girl. You both have whatever little lingering doubts you might have, but I'm not going to have them. Vivienne is ours. She belongs here, and here is where she will stay."

* * *

><p>Late on Wednesday morning, Emily wrapped Vivienne up in a blanket and carried her the block to Fernando's. She walked through the front doors of the restaurant and into the kitchen, like she had so many times before. The staff that was setting up the restaurant before opening smiled at her when she walked in with the baby, and Emily smiled back. By the time she got to the kitchen and Carlos turned around, Emily's face actually hurt from smiling so big.<p>

"Emilia," he whispered when he took in the sight of Emily holding Vivienne.

He walked closer to her and looked at the sleeping baby in Emily's arms. When he returned his gaze to Emily, she saw his misty eyes, and one tear slowly made a path down the wrinkles on his kind face. Though she'd shed rivers of tears in that kitchen over the past few months, she had never seen Carlos cry, not even when he was telling her stories about Fernando. But these were not sad tears. He was smiling and his eyes were bright; these were tears of awe and happiness.

He placed his hands on Emily's cheeks. "Never in my life, Emilia, have I seen someone look so much like a mother. It's what you were always supposed to be, I can see that. Can you?"

It was never something she actively admitted to herself until recently. Before Declan she never thought she had the capacity for motherhood, and after Declan, everything was just too much of a mess to really let herself think about it. Even in the past few months, the idea of motherhood made her nervous. That all changed the second the nurse at the hospital placed Vivienne in her arms.

She smiled at Carlos and whispered, "Yes."

Carlos grinned and patted her cheek. "I'll hold the baby and you can work on the sauces while you tell me the whole story."

Laughing, Emily handed the baby to Carlos and went to wash her hands and put on an apron. She got to work and started talking.

* * *

><p>By Saturday, it felt like Vivienne had always been with them, a vital and natural extension of them. They effortlessly flowed through their days, no longer just the two of them, but as a family. Only a little piece of doubt remained, and they acknowledged that by agreeing that they wouldn't do anything about the guest room that would be Vivienne's until the following Wednesday, when the ten days would be over.<p>

Fran went out with Rossi that night, and Emily didn't expect they'd see her until the next morning. Derek was upstairs putting Vivienne down in her bassinet while Emily sat at the kitchen counter in a tank top and pajama pants, sipping wine and talking with JJ on the phone.

"We've known David Rossi for a lot of years, Em, but I'm telling you, when we were coming back on the jet this morning and he started talking about seeing Fran tonight, his face lit up in a way I've never seen before," said JJ.

Emily grinned, "I know. He looked the same way when he came to pick her up tonight. It's so strange to think that if I hadn't gotten hurt, they never would have gotten to know each other like they have."

"I've thought a lot about that, too, recently. Really, about our whole lives and careers, and about all of the crazy paths we've taken to get where we are right now. Even the shittiest things have always brought us to good places, all of us in our own ways. You wipe out Doyle, and you probably never would have met any of us, and there wouldn't be a you and Derek and Vivienne. It's crazy when you start thinking about it that way."

Emily took in that statement and let it settle. "You're right," she whispered. "That is crazy. But true."

They disconnected their call shortly after that, and Emily heard Derek come down the stairs. He placed the baby monitor on the kitchen counter and bent to kiss the back of her neck and shoulders. Emily smiled as she felt goosebumps rise on her skin. She turned on her stool and placed a hand on the back of his neck, pulling him to her and kissing him. As soon as their tongues touched, Derek moaned and one hand went under the hem of her shirt while the other pulled her more closely to him.

It had been over a week since they'd made love, something Emily now remembered they had not done since she came back from London, and they certainly hadn't done since the past Christmas. Aside from the first four weeks of her healing and memory recovery, she hadn't gone this long without Derek's gentle hands on her for a very long time. It felt like coming home in a lot of ways, and though it was strange and wonderful to think they might be interrupted by a crying baby, Emily didn't give that much thought. She happily found herself in the moment.

She wrapped her legs around Derek from her sitting position on the kitchen stool. She felt his hardness pressing against her as his hand reached up under her shirt and gently brushed across her breast. In many ways, it was still so strange to her, her comfort level with him, the feeling of such complete love, the feeling of absolute safety and security with him. She didn't know how to accurately describe for him how it was to have forgotten everything and then gain those memories back, how everything felt old and new at the same time. How it felt to tell him, "I remember doing this before," like it was a surprising gift she didn't quite believe, and for him it was just part of who they were.

Derek took his shirt off before he removed hers and they pressed themselves closely together, his lips on her neck, and her recounting a memory in gasped whispers while his fingers blazed fiery paths across her back and along the sides of her breasts. "It was New Year's Eve. We'd just come back from London after packing up my flat. You were doing the dishes and we were talking about our new jobs. You stopped the conversation with a kiss and before I knew it, I was naked, on the kitchen counter."

Derek stopped kissing her neck and smiled at her, "Which is exactly what is about to happen."

And it did. Before she knew it, they were naked and Derek carried her the short distance around their raised kitchen bar and to the kitchen counter, which was a better height than the bar stool she had been sitting on. He placed her right on the edge, and, with her legs and arms wrapped around him, she threw her head back back and moaned as he entered her.

Every single time they'd done this since the past December, she was shocked with how free she was with him. And every time she looked at him, she couldn't believe the deep devotion and love she saw in his eyes, and only hoped hers reflected the same emotions back.

His mouth covered one nipple, left hand on the other, and he picked up the pace while his right hand slowly made a path down her side, across her hip, finally touching her. She gasped and moaned and whispered, "In a hurry?"

He didn't answer. He lifted his mouth away from from breast and gave her a lopsided grin before kissing her. He pulled her closer to the edge of the counter and her hands dropped away from him and pressed onto the counter top to help support herself.

She ripped her lips away from his as she felt herself getting closer. Sucking in air, she murmured to him in Spanish, something she knew he liked, " Creo que me habría encontrado usted siempre . Estábamos destinados a ser ."

He laughed quietly and buried his head in her neck, his finger moving faster on her, and she felt the flush that always preceded her orgasms. "Together," she whispered, and felt him nod against her neck. He raised his head and searched her eyes, and she tried to keep them focused on his, but after a few seconds, she couldn't anymore. Her eyes rolled back and her eyelids closed and her scream of release was swallowed by his lips and tongue as he moaned through his own orgasm.

When their breathing slowed a bit, Derek asked for the translation for her Spanish. "What did you say?"

She gave him a brief background on her conversation with JJ, about how everything had lead to this point, even all of the bad. "I initially agreed with her, but what I said to you just now was, 'I think I would have always found you. We were meant to be.'"

And as the crackling and static of the baby monitor filled the silence in their kitchen, Derek bent his head and kissed her chest, right over her heart. "Never has there been a greater truth spoken, Em."

* * *

><p>On Sunday morning, as they sat on the couch with their coffee, Vivienne nestled in Derek's arms, they got a text from Sheriff Daniels in Portland. "They're here and safe. Taking them to the youth hostel soon. Sandra wanted to make a stop first."<p>

Attached to the text was a picture of a grinning Sandra down on her knees on a Portland sidewalk, hugging a clearly excited dog, a dog that obviously meant more to Sandra than just being a meal ticket. Sandra looked good. She looked happy.

Fran came back to their house shortly after that and was her usual, straightforward self. She smiled when she saw them together on the couch with Vivienne and sat in a chair facing them. "I'm not going back to Chicago. Your sisters can finish packing up my place. I'm not getting an apartment here, either. David's house is plenty big and he wants me there and I want to be there. If it doesn't work, I can always move, but he's away enough that I'll still have my independence and we'll be fine I think. We've got to turn your guest room into Vivienne's room, and we've got your wedding to plan, and I just don't want to miss anything."

Derek stared at her and blinked several times before smiling. "I think that sounds great, Mom. Perfect, actually."

Emily stood and threw her arms around Fran. "I'm so glad you're not going anywhere. We want you here."

* * *

><p>Wednesday morning arrived. It was Derek's last day home before returning to work. Emily would return in a few weeks, part-time, and Fran would watch Vivienne during those hours.<p>

The email they received from Sandra was timed perfectly, ten days to almost the exact minute since she'd signed the paperwork.

_Emily and Derek, _

_Now you can stop worrying. Vivienne is yours and I am home and happy. The youth hostel has been great, and Michael, Alexis and I are kind of done with the streets after being in a real bed for so many nights. Gabe and Joey aren't quite as sure yet. I emailed Marina and asked her if she could help Michael and me track down our birth certificates and social security cards so we could get state identifications. Then we can start looking for real jobs. _

_I shaved my hair and thought of you, Emily. It's about three inches long and looks kind of silly, but I know it will grow. It's my natural color and I combed out the remaining tangles. I kind of look like anyone else my age in Portland that doesn't live on the streets. It's a strange feeling. _

_I know it hasn't been three months yet, but can you send me some pictures? Especially the ones of us together in the hospital with Vivienne? I've let go, but I want to remember, her and both of you. _

_Love,  
>Sandra<em>


	24. Chapter 24

_Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. As if the rest of my life wasn't crazy enough right now, an old supervisor of mine called last week with an amazing job opportunity back in the field of technology training, but in order to get the job I have to develop some software training material and go in and teach a panel of interviewers next week. I've been working on that material, and it's difficult for me to make the jump from technical writing to fiction. I hope this doesn't sound too much like a computer software manual! :)_

* * *

><p>After Sandra's initial email, they immediately sent her the pictures she requested. They told her that they were there to help her however they could. Sandra's response came a few minutes later. She thanked them for the pictures. She wanted to get off the streets, and do it on her own as much as possible. She ended that email with a feeling of closing off the communication for awhile: "I'll talk to you at the beginning of July when you send more pictures!"<p>

Emily and Derek sat on the couch and read that email together. Emily had mixed feelings about Sandra wanting to stick to the three month schedule they'd agreed to. When she looked at the beautiful baby in her arms that was now absolutely theirs, she had a difficult time reconciling those emotions of joy with the feeling of sadness that came from the reality that Vivienne's birth mother was homeless. Sandra had no life skills and no job skills and didn't want their help.

Derek leaned over and kissed Emily's cheek and then pressed a kiss on Vivienne's forehead. "Sandra knows how to contact us if and when she wants help. Vivienne's ours, Em. She's really ours," he whispered.

Emily decided to focus on that reality, and let the last bit of reservation she had been holding back about keeping Vivienne go. She turned her head and smiled before kissing Derek. "She is. I remember being in that hospital and not knowing you and thinking when you touched me that it was everything I thought love was supposed to be. But this is different. This is loving each other and loving a baby and being a family. It's kind of like love on a whole other plane of existence; bigger and better than anything I thought possible."

Derek placed his hand on Emily's cheek and kissed her forehead. "We've taken quite a wild ride to get here. No matter how sad or frustrating the journey was at times, it's what brought us to this place."

Emily smiled, "You said almost that exact thing to me that first morning in this home, after I flew back from London."

Derek blinked and thought, "You're right. Well, it means more now. Back then we were trying to just forget everything, and now it's us being here with a baby and planning our wedding and acknowledging everything about our past. It's more real."

Emily leaned more fully against Derek and gazed at the baby in her arms. "It's definitely more real. I can't believe I have all of this."

"Me either, but we do," whispered Derek.

That afternoon they went and bought a crib, changing table and rocking chair. They moved the bed in the guest room down to the basement and set up a room for Vivienne. Emily and Fran went to the store to print out some of the pictures they'd taken in the hospital. At the last minute, Emily decided to print out two sets. She bought a small photo album and put one set of the pictures inside. She shipped that album overnight to the youth hostel in Portland, so Sandra could access the pictures even when she didn't have a computer.

They put three framed pictures on Vivienne's bedroom wall: one with the two of them holding Vivienne, one with Sandra holding Vivienne and Derek and Emily standing on either side of her, and one with just Sandra holding the baby. Vivienne would always know where she came from.

Derek went into work late on Friday morning because Marina Pruitt was coming for her first home visit as part of their probationary period before the official adoption hearing for Vivienne. Emily couldn't help pressing her for information about Sandra.

"Did you locate Michael and Sandra's birth certificates and social security cards?"

Marina smiled at her, "Yes. They are in their files at the Seattle office for social and health services. They need to take a bus there. I gave them the name of the social worker that I spoke with who will help them. Sandra and Michael can both verify who they are based on telling the social worker their placements, general dates and the schools they attended, so releasing the documents shouldn't be that difficult."

"And then what?" asked Emily.

"Oregon is pretty loose with their rules for state identification. You can be homeless and list your address as 'in the alley behind Motel 6' or 'the east end of the tent village on the corner of such and such streets,' but you have to establish some residency in some way. For someone like Sandra, that means accepting a form of social aid, like food stamps, from the state of Oregon, or waiting six months and frequenting a shelter with some regularity so the shelter staff will establish her residency."

Derek shook his head, "I can't imagine her liking either of those options."

"No. I emailed her resources in Portland where there are people and organizations that could help her. The problem is that Sandra and Michael both see that as being part of the system, however loosely, that failed them over and over again when they were kids. I advised her to take the food stamp option. It's the fastest path, they'd be able to eat with regularity, and without having to panhandle for money for food, they'd actually have time for jobs. I don't know what she'll choose."

"I wish she lived closer," Emily quietly replied, and Derek reached out to rub his hand on her back.

Marina placed a gentle hand on Emily's. "I know you both really want to help her. Before Vivienne and you two came into her life, her goal was to just keep living like she had been. At least she's considering other options now. And also, remember that she trusted you both enough to let you help her and her family get back to Portland. She doesn't have a lot of practice at trusting adults at all, but I do believe she trusts you. She'll reach out if she needs and wants help, I think."

* * *

><p>They heard from Sandra again the second week in May. Emily had just put Vivienne down for a nap when her phone rang with a mysterious number and Portland area code.<p>

"Hello?" she answered hopefully.

"Hi. Is this Emily Prentiss?" asked an unfamiliar voice.

"Yes."

"My name is Jane and I'm calling from Recycled Bookstore West in Portland. I'm looking for a personal reference for Sandra Fletcher who applied for a job here."

Emily smiled and tears pricked her eyes. Sandra must have chosen the food stamp option. "Absolutely."

"Are you really an FBI Agent?" asked Jane.

"Yes, I am. I can give you verification of that if you'd like."

"No, it's okay. I believe you. I just wanted to ask. Sandra's a nice young woman, and I really want to give her a chance. She seems to learn quickly and she knows a lot about books, but she's never had a job before. She told me how she knows you. I just need to establish that she's trustworthy."

Sandra had had the opportunity to lie to them when they first met her, and she'd told them nothing but the truth. Emily had spent quite a bit of time talking to Carlos and Derek about that, how a young woman whose life was so different, and in many ways more difficult than hers, had such an innate ability for honesty all of the time.

"Sandra is one of the most honest people I've ever met," Emily told Jane. "Does she have an address now?"

Jane was quiet for a few seconds before responding, "An alleyway, according to her ID. She's kind of in a Catch 22 and that's why I want to help her. She can't get an address until she has a job, and people have a hard time hiring her without an address. It's a lot of training and time to put into someone perceived as unreliable."

"I really don't believe she'll be unreliable. If she's come this far and gotten an ID, that means she's gotten over some difficult personal hurdles. It means she really wants this. I think you can count on her."

Two days later, they received a short email from Sandra: _I got the job at the bookstore! Thank you, Emily!  
><em>

* * *

><p>Vivienne blossomed and grew every day. By the beginning of June, she was smiling at everyone who smiled at her, and she was hitting all of her milestones. Emily and Derek fell more in love with her every minute she was in their house.<p>

Emily returned to work, back down to twenty hours a week, where she intended to stay for the foreseeable future. She dropped Vivienne at Rossi's house with Fran on the way into work and was able to pick her up by one o'clock every afternoon. Vivienne was comfortable napping in her stroller, and Emily still often spent the afternoons at Fernando's, helping in the kitchen and talking, while Vivienne napped in the corner, away from all of the cooking equipment.

Derek came home from work every evening asking, "Where are my beautiful ladies?" as he walked in the door. She never got tired of hearing it.

Emily went back to the dress store she was at with JJ and Penelope when she first got the call from Marina. She bought the wedding dress she was wearing when that phone call came in. It had looked only okay to her when she tried it on, but now it was more meaningful. It was everything she was looking for: simple, unique and beautiful, with the added benefit that when she tried it on, she wasn't disappointed in her short hair any longer; all she could think of was that one special phone call that was the beginning of her and Derek's life as parents.

Then, two weeks before the wedding, they received another email from Sandra.

_Emily and Derek,_

_I know it hasn't been three months yet, but I just wanted to say thank you again for the reference. I love working, which I didn't think I would. I love being in a bookstore all day. _

_Gabe and Joey took off with another group to San Francisco. I hope they come back some day, but they weren't interested in getting jobs and getting off the streets yet. Michael got a job right after me, busing tables and washing dishes at a diner. Alexis just started about two weeks ago working part time at the front desk of a piercing and tattoo place. The guy who owns the place did all my piercings, so he knows us. We're all making minimum wage, but we're hoping we can save enough and rent a place maybe in six months. There are actually decent places that we can afford when we combine our incomes, but it'll be hard to convince someone to rent to us. We'll see._

_We did go see one of the transitional housing places Portland has available to help out people like us, but we just don't want to be tied to social services like that again. I know you probably can't understand that. It's really complicated. For now we're still on the streets most nights, but we get a motel room or stay at the youth hostel a couple nights a week so we can shower and stay clean for work._

_Hope Vivienne is doing good! I look at the photo album you sent all the time.  
><em>

_- Sandra_

That email arrived right before Emily was heading to Fernando's with Vivienne. She ended up talking with Carlos about Sandra first.

"I wish she'd let us help them," said Emily.

"Why did you start talking to me and let me help you, Emilia?" asked Carlos.

"Because you were there and I felt like I could trust you," she responded.

"And why do you think Sandra let you buy her and her friends those bus tickets and give her money?"

Emily was quiet, thinking, understanding something. She answered slowly, "Because we were there and she could see in our faces that we didn't pity or judge her, we only cared and wanted to help her. She was reminded by our faces that she could trust us and count on us."

* * *

><p>Nine days before their wedding, Emily kissed Derek and their beautiful baby girl goodbye and boarded a flight to Portland with Penelope. They didn't want to bring Vivienne to Portland just yet; it was a long flight for an infant, and the weekend was hopefully going to be a busy one. Derek agreed that it should be Emily who went. Penelope was armed with the names of two property owners who had small, affordable homes for rent and who would be willing to rent to someone like Sandra, Michael and Alexis, if Emily co-signed on the lease. It was a Thursday afternoon, and the plan was to get the group a place to live by the end of the weekend, if Sandra would let them.<p>

They didn't email first. She and Derek thought about it, but felt that saying they were coming to help Sandra find a place to live would be met with instant resistance via email. This was an offer best made in person.

By the time they landed and drove the rental car to Recycled Bookstore West, Emily was on the verge of tears. She'd already called Jane and knew Sandra was working that day, but would be getting off soon. She didn't know how this would go, but she was overcome by her emotions at the idea of seeing Sandra again. She barely knew Sandra, but she loved Vivienne so much and it was difficult to not love the young woman who had trusted them and given Vivienne to them.

Penelope hung back as Emily entered the bookstore. Even though the hair was different, she recognized Sandra as she stood with her back facing Emily, putting books back up on a shelf. Emily composed herself, excitement building, and walked up quietly behind her.

"Excuse me. Can you help me find a copy of _Children of Dune_?" asked Emily with a smile on her face.

Sandra spun, her eyes huge. Emily expected shock and surprise and maybe a smile. What she didn't expect was Sandra's instant tears and the bone-crushing hug she enveloped Emily in before pulling back and exclaiming, "Emily! What are you doing here? Is Vivienne here? Is Derek?"

"No, Sandra. Just me and Penelope. It would have been a long flight for such a little infant, but I don't want you to think I didn't want to bring her. We want her to see you. We will bring her back to visit."

Sandra shrugged and smiled at Emily. "I'm kind of glad you didn't bring her this time. I don't think I'm ready for that yet, but I'm glad to see you."

"It's really good to see you, too. You look great!"

Sandra touched her hair and smiled shyly. "Thank you. But what are you doing here? Are you here for work?"

Emily's heartbeat sped up. She hoped she'd guessed right that this would work, if she came in person. "No. Not work. Penelope and I came for the weekend to help you, Michael and Alexis find a place to live."


	25. Chapter 25

Sandra didn't say much as she finished up her shift at the book store. She gave Penelope a hug and then quietly went about her work for fifteen more minutes, clearly thinking. Penelope and Emily spent the time looking around the store and sharing glances, wondering how this would go.

At three o'clock, Sandra grabbed her huge backpack from the back of the store, said goodbye to her co-worker and walked out the door with Emily and Penelope.

"Come on, let's go find Michael and Alexis. They'll be happy to see you both. Then we can talk," Sandra said with a small smile on her lips.

It was a sunny, summer afternoon in Portland, and she walked them two blocks. Michael and Alexis were sitting on the sidewalk around the corner from a coffee shop. They both stared, shock followed by smiles, when they saw Emily and Penelope. They stood to give them hugs.

"What are you doing here?" asked Alexis incredulously.

"They think they're going to help us find a place to live," said Sandra. Emily was hopeful at her tone; it wasn't completely dismissive. There was a tinge of humor in her voice, actually.

"That's the hopeful plan," said Penelope with a smile.

Both Alexis and Michael raised their eyebrows. Emily was about to suggest they go and get a coffee when Sandra sat down on the sidewalk, and Michael and Alexis joined her there.

_OK,_ thought Emily, _we'll talk about this on their turf. _She sat on the sidewalk facing them and was surprised when Penelope gathered the skirt of her dress closely around her legs and followed suit without blinking an eye.

Sandra stared at Emily. Her face was friendly, but apprehensive. "Why do you want to do this for us? We can do this on our own, it's just going to take time."

Emily reached out and touched Sandra's knee, looking at her and then the other two, "I know you absolutely can do this on your own in time, but many young adults first starting out do get some help from their family. I know I did. My mom helped me get my first apartment; I'd never have gotten in on my own. I'm not your mother, but, Sandra, you are like family to us. You helped Derek and me make our family and it just feels very wrong to be moving forward with our lives with Vivienne when we know you're still living on the streets."

"But that's our choice," said Sandra.

"It is. But your decisions and emails of late made us think that it wouldn't be your first choice if you had other options that felt comfortable for you," responded Emily.

"That's all we're here for - to give you options. You don't have to take any of them," Penelope chimed in kindly.

Sandra studied Emily's face. "There's another reason. Why else are you doing this?"

Emily smiled. "How do you know there's another reason?"

"Because you look the same as you did before you told me about Declan."

Penelope chuckled. "Profiler just got profiled by a gutter punk," she murmured, which caused all of them to laugh.

When they quieted, Emily looked at the three of them. "You all are really good, honest people. You've had shitty things happen in your life that you couldn't control and it never turned you dishonest or bitter. But being on the streets is a risk, and I don't ever want you to have something happen that is so bad it might change who you are. I also don't want you to get discouraged and give up if finding a place to live proves even more difficult than you think it will be. Derek and I and Penelope want to help give you some of the stability you always deserved and should have had when you were growing up."

Alexis had tears in her eyes and Michael cleared his throat and looked down, but Sandra kept her eyes on Emily's. After several seconds, she finally whispered, "You actually care about me."

"I do," said Emily.

Sandra took a deep breath and nodded her head. "OK." She turned her head to Michael and Alexis. "OK?" she asked them.

They grinned. Alexis looked at Penelope and asked, "So what do these options look like?"

* * *

><p>The first place Penelope had found on the internet was the best option. A small, furnished, two-bedroom house a twenty minute bus ride away from their jobs. It was well within their price range for their combined incomes, it was available immediately, and the woman who owned the place didn't sound too put out by the idea of giving Sandra and her family a chance. The owner typically rented the place to college students, and the pictures showed a sparsely-furnished, simple home that looked essentially like a two-bedroom dorm room. But it had all the basics, most importantly a roof and walls.<p>

Emily drove them there that evening to meet with the owner and see the place, but when they arrived, she and Penelope stayed in the car.

"Why aren't you getting out?" asked Sandra.

Emily turned to face her in the backseat. "When I first had my brain injury, I needed help, but being independent was still important. I know that's important to you, too. _You_ all go see the house, meet the owner and see if it's a fit. If it is, I'll co-sign and write the deposit checks necessary."

"And we'll pay you back," said Michael firmly.

"And you can pay me back," replied Emily.

They nodded and got out of the vehicle. Emily and Penelope both smiled as they watched the three of them confidently walked up to the owner and shake her hand before following her inside the house.

Penelope turned to face Emily in the car. "This was easier than I thought it would be."

"I know."

"This is a strange way to spend a weekend when JJ and I originally planned to take you out before your wedding," Penelope sighed with a grin on her face.

Emily laughed, "I can only imagine what that would have looked like."

"Definitely not this."

"I'll tell you what. Tonight when we get to our hotel, we can rent a chick flick, drink wine and talk," Emily responded with a warm smile.

"And will you get drunk and tell me dirty secrets about your sex life?"

"No."

Penelope laughed. She placed her hand on Emily's. "Do you remember everything now?"

"I think so, mostly."

"Do you remember right before you went after Doyle and we were in the bathroom at the BAU?"

Emily turned to look at Penelope. "Yes," she whispered. "I told you how you made me smile every day. You still do. Even more now because you're right there in the thick of our journey with us."

Penelope was quiet for a few beats, a smile on her lips. "Maybe this is a better way to spend this weekend."

* * *

><p>On Friday afternoon, after Michael and Sandra finished work, Emily and Penelope drove them to pick out towels and bedding before driving them to the house. The paperwork was signed, the check written to the owner by Emily, and they were moving in. Alexis had to work late that evening. The owner handed Sandra and Michael their keys, with a spare key for Alexis. There wasn't much for them to unpack, and Michael and Sandra spent several long minutes just wandering around the space in shock.<p>

Penelope fished a laptop out of her bag. "This is a housewarming gift for you. I have a wireless router here, and I'll pay the bills on it for the next four months. After that, it will be up to you to get wireless going here."

"We can't take a computer from you," said Sandra.

"You must understand, my loves, that I have quite a stash of laptops. You're not taking anything; you're giving me more storage space. Now, let's work on the other things you might need, like access to online bank accounts and budgeting tools."

With both Emily and Penelope working together, by Saturday afternoon, they felt they were leaving Sandra, Michael and Alexis with the tools they needed to get a good start. Though they both wanted to help them fill their home with decorations and personal touches, they realized that wasn't their job or place. Sandra and her family had accepted their help, they were gracious and thankful and kind. It was time for Emily and Penelope to pull out of the picture for the time being and leave them with their independence.

As they were getting ready to leave and say goodbye, Emily received a text from Derek. "In our haste to get you to Portland, we forgot a certain someone was supposed to spend the night this Saturday. We love you. We miss you."

Attached to that message was a picture of Declan laying next to Vivienne with his head on her play mat. Vivienne had her beautiful, toothless grin on her face, and Declan was clearly laughing, as they both laid on the floor and looked up at Derek's camera.

Emily teared up and laughed when she saw the picture. She missed her family so much. She turned her phone towards Sandra so she could see the picture. "This is Declan."

Sandra took the phone in her hand and looked more closely at the picture. When she looked back at Emily, her eyes were also filled with tears. She shook her head with a smile on her face, "We have a crazy, strange, wonderful family, don't we?"

And in that one sentence, Emily was at peace, with every component of her life filled with complete authenticity for the first time ever. "We do."

Sandra put her arms around Emily and whispered, "When you bring her back to see me, I'm going to be proud of my life."

"You should always be proud, Sandra. You live your life with integrity and truth, and that's what's important."

Sandra laughed and pulled away to wipe her eyes. "You're the first adults that ever made me feel like I was worth something. That's why I'm letting you do all of this, you know." She stopped to gesture around the house. "Thank you. We won't let you down." She paused and thought before whispering, "I won't let myself down."

* * *

><p>Emily and Penelope were able to switch their Sunday morning flights to the red-eye on Saturday night. She walked into their home a little after 7:30am on Sunday morning with a smile on her face and tears pricking her eyes when she saw Derek standing in their kitchen, swaying with Vivienne in his arms while he gave her a bottle. She looked to her right and saw Declan passed out on their couch. <em>A crazy, strange and wonderful family, indeed, <em>she thought.

Derek smiled at her and she walked towards him.

"You did it, Em," he whispered.

"Because Sandra trusted us enough to let me. But yes, they're off the streets, and I'm so happy."

She stepped forward and placed a gentle kiss on Vivienne's cheek. "I missed you, my sweet baby," she whispered. She put one arm around Derek's waist and the other hand on his cheek.

"Ready to get married?" he asked her.

She tilted her head up to kiss him gently. "This very minute, Derek Morgan."


	26. Chapter 26

The Sunday she returned from Portland, Emily sat down and did something she'd been avoiding for months; she emailed her mother. When that sentence spilled out of her mouth to Sandra, about her mother helping her with her first apartment, it made her rethink keeping her mom in the dark about her current life. Her mother didn't feel like family the same way everyone else who would be in attendance at the wedding did, which was an odd truth. Still, Emily had a feeling if she didn't invite her mom and didn't tell her about Vivienne, she'd regret it.

The response she received the next evening was one of emotionally-detached congratulations. Her mother was in Rome and obviously would not be able to make it back for the wedding, but she wished Emily well. She said Vivienne was a lovely baby. She signed the email, "Sincerely."

She showed Derek the email and he looked at her sadly after he read it.

Emily snuggled Vivienne close to her and kissed her soft, baby cheeks. She shrugged at Derek. "It's not anything different than I was expecting. I also didn't give her much warning if she wanted to come to the wedding. Perhaps that was passive-aggressive on my part. It probably was."

"Em..."

"Derek, it's okay. I only wrote her so that I wasn't sitting there on Saturday thinking about how I should have let her know. I don't want her there. I know it's strange to say, but she would be a distraction from the people who truly are important to me."

Derek leaned over and brushed his fingers on her cheek. "OK. But, Emily, maybe you should call her sometime. Let her hear how happy you are. Your warmth got a nineteen year old who never trusted an adult in her life to trust you. I'm thinking that warmth might have some effect on Elizabeth Prentiss, if you gave it a chance. If a different kind of relationship with her is what you want."

Emily rested Vivienne on her legs and stared at her beautiful face, thinking about how she was never going to have a relationship with Vivienne like she currently had with her mother. "Maybe I will call her," she finally said quietly to Derek.

She made the phone call the next morning on her way to work, after she dropped Vivienne off with Fran. She was surprised when her mother actually answered the phone. Emily happily prattled on about Derek and Vivienne and their house and the wedding. She didn't give her mom much of a chance to talk at first, trying to avoid the inevitable curtness and judgement her mom had a knack for dishing out like candy.

When Emily finally paused enough for her mom to say something, she was surprised when the words that came out of Elizabeth's mouth were without their usual crispness. "You sound so happy, Emily. I'm happy for you."

"I am happy. Very happy. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I'm about to run to a meeting. But, Emily, I'll call you soon, or you call me. It was nice to hear your voice."

Emily paused before responding, "It was good to hear your voice, too."

The exchange was short, and to anyone else it would have seemed rather cold, but for a conversation with her mother, it was actually pleasant. It was a start, anyway.

The rest of the week moved quickly, but on Friday evening, there was a knock on their door. When Emily opened it, there was a delivery man standing there with a beautiful vase of roses. Emily placed the vase on the entry way table and Derek stood beside her as she opened the card.

_I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, Emily.  
>With love from your mother.<br>_

* * *

><p>On the Saturday of their wedding, Emily couldn't be sure whether the fact that most of it felt like she watched it from a distance was a normal thing for a bride to feel, or whether it was a lingering problem with her brain - like it was all too much emotion and she could only focus in on the utmost important parts.<p>

She remembered glimpses and sensations. She remembered being in a spare room at Rossi's house, and Fran holding Vivienne while Penelope helped her with her hair and JJ helped her with her makeup. There was conversation, but she couldn't recall a word of it. She remembered her heart beating wildly out of control in anticipation and longing and excitement. What JJ and Penelope and Fran looked like that day was a little blurry; clarity would only come with pictures afterwards.

She remembered how her dress felt on her body as she walked down Rossi's stairs, but she couldn't tell you for certain who was there with her in that moment, except Fran and Vivienne. There was a sensation that other people were around her at that time, though.

What she remembered with absolute clarity was Fran saying, "I'm going to take Vivienne out now. I love you, Emily."

She recalled saying, "I love you, too," and then bending her face towards Vivienne and smiling. Emily remembered Vivienne's startling blue eyes taking in her face, and then her baby girl laughing for the very first time, like she understood that she was a part of a family that laughed when faced with excitement and nervousness and newness.

A lot of blurred vision happened after that - someone kissed her cheek and touched her shoulder, someone told her she looked beautiful. The next moment of clarity came when she felt a hand on her elbow and looked to her right to see Carlos there, with that happy twinkle in his eye and a smile that calmed her. He bent his head towards hers and whispered, "I've never had a greater honor in my life, Emilia."

There was music and Carlos walked her out and her mind couldn't pick out the faces of the small group gathered, except for two: Declan who was turned in his seat to look at her with a smile on his face, and Derek waiting for her several yards away. How she managed to walk towards him, or how Carlos released her, or how she came to stand in front of the man she loved was a mystery. The next thing she remembered about that day was just being there, standing in front of Derek, and staring in his eyes.

Derek took her in and smiled, his face full of love. And then Emily could see that he was trying to hold back a laugh, and she giggled, which got him going. In her mind, it felt like their shared laughter, the thing they'd done every time they'd experienced something new since the moment she came back from London, lasted only seconds, but in reality, when they looked back at the recording, they laughed for quite awhile.

Once they calmed down, she followed prompts from the minister, perhaps she looked like she was listening to him talk, but in hindsight, all she remembered was Derek's eyes. They'd agreed to keep what they said to each other short, neither being ones for public speeches about their feelings. However, when it was Emily's turn to say something, she glanced to her right and saw her family there. She saw Declan's face, the team, and Carlos and his wife, and Fran holding Vivienne sitting next to Derek's sisters. Emily scrapped her prepared words. She looked back at Derek and smiled.

"About twelve years ago, a little boy came into my life and taught me that I was a genuinely warm and loving person at my core. A few years after that, a group of the most brilliant and caring FBI agents reminded me of the person I could be so much that I couldn't put my walls back up. Those people became my family. And you, Derek, were at the center of that. I knew I loved you for a year before I ever said those words out loud. All of these people here today helped make me who I am today." She paused an squeezed Derek's hands. "Even if I never regained my memories, I would have always known one thing for certain: You, Derek Morgan, are my truth."

She remembered the smile that played on Derek's face and how he leaned over and brushed his lips against hers before whispering back, "One of the last things you said to me before you got hurt was that you were going to be okay, and we were going to get married and our life was going to be amazing. You gave us a road bump I didn't expect, but it turned out that that made our lives even more amazing than we thought possible." He leaned his forehead against hers. "I love you. You are my truth, too."

Everything after those words became blurred again. There were rings, there was a kiss, their family clapped and hugged them. The next thing that came to her with clarity was dancing with Derek and how he whispered in her ear, "The last time we danced here, you were just a few days away from leaving for London."

Emily rested her head on Derek's shoulder, recalling that memory. "And now we're dancing here again and it's a hello instead of a goodbye. It's a hello that will last a lifetime."

* * *

><p>That night, they left Vivienne with Fran and Rossi and checked into a room at the Ritz Carlton in DC. Before they left Rossi's house, Emily mentioned changing first, but Derek grabbed her hand and whispered, "Don't yet."<p>

Once they were in the hotel room, Derek slipped up behind her and wrapped one arm around her waist. His voice was barely audible in her ear. "You are so beautiful. I just wanted a few minutes alone with you in this dress before you took it off."

Emily smiled as she felt his lips run across her bare shoulders. Derek turned her around and linked his fingers with hers, stepping back so their arms were stretched out. "When you first walked up that aisle, I thought I was going to faint, Em. You took my breath away."

"I don't even really remember the walk from Rossi's house to stand in front of you in that garden. All I was focused on was your face, and your eyes when I was standing in front of you, and how absolutely right it all was."

Derek smiled. "I want a do-over on our first time. I want to do go back and pretend we arrived at that point not telling each other that it was just casual. I want to show you what that night would have looked like if our relationship didn't have to be a secret."

Emily nodded while her heart thrummed in her chest. Derek stepped closer to her and turned her body, backing her up so she was pressed against the hotel room door. That first time with her in a similar position, he'd suggested kissing her, just to see, that maybe it might feel weird. But not now. With one hand still linked with hers, he brought his other hand to the side of her face and leaned forward to kiss her and there was no hesitation. Emily let herself be transported back in time, to that feeling the very first time Derek's tongue touched hers and she knew she was in trouble because there was no way anything with her and Derek could ever be casual. She pushed that thought from her mind; instead she focused on her true feelings that she remembered all too well from that night so many years ago. She let them come to the surface.

While there was a burning desire to just speed things up, they both kept an excruciatingly slow pace. What felt like an eternity of kissing later, Emily's dress came off and Derek gently laid it over the back of a chair. His tie was undone and the front of his shirt was unbuttoned, though Emily had no memory of helping with either. He walked her towards the bed and threw back the covers. While his fingers played a ballad on her skin, he removed her bra, underwear and stockings.

Emily noticed her hands were shaking in anticipation as she removed his clothing. Once they were both naked, Derek wrapped her in his arms and pressed kisses on her skin, whispering, "I love you," over and over again. For the first time in months, Emily found herself beyond words, though she didn't think this time had anything to do with her injury. She caught a glimpse of her wedding ring and fully absorbed the fact that she was married to this amazing man, that they had a daughter, that their life together was absolutely perfect, and she was simply too overwhelmed with emotion to speak. She turned her body slightly and pushed herself against Derek. He got the idea and sat on the bed, scooting backward and pulling her with him.

She knelt above him, a leg on either side of his hips and her hands on either side of his head. She looked into his eyes and smiled before kissing him again. She felt his hands on the back of her thighs, gently running up her body before coming to a stop at her breasts. She moaned into his mouth as he gently brushed his thumbs over her nipples. How long had they been in this hotel room? She wasn't sure; it felt like they'd been kissing for hours and she was ready for more, but as she tried to adjust her body to find the right angle, she felt Derek's hands quickly move to her hips, holding her up and away from him.

Emily stopped kissing him and raised her eyebrow. Derek grinned and flipped her over on her back so he was laying on top of her. He told her a story with his kisses, moving them through the timeline that brought them to this point. He gently brought her right arm up, linking his fingers with hers and pressing his lips to the faint scar there before moving his head and scooting down to kiss her chest, over the scar where she'd been branded. He moved further down and kissed the scar on her abdomen before moving up again to kiss the scar left from the bullet wound in her left shoulder. Finally he moved up again, his lips on the scar on her forehead, lingering there for several seconds. Next he took her left hand and opened her palm, his lips landing on her finger and wedding ring, before moving one more time, placing his lips on her chest, over the place where her heart was beating wildly inside her.

She knew what he was trying to say, and she found her voice again. She brought her hands up to rest on his head. "Despite all of that, despite coming so close to losing everything far too many times, we're still right here. I love you and we're right where we were always supposed to be, Derek."

He raised his head to look her in the eye, letting go of some of the heaviness of the moment with a smile on his face. "Indeed we are, Mrs. Derek Morgan."

Emily grinned and she felt him adjust his body, finding her lips with his again and swallowing her moan as he slowly pushed inside her. Emily ran her hands up and down his back, still amazed at the combined hardness and softness of him, at how he was so physically powerful, but the most gentle man she'd ever known. Stamina was no longer an issue for Emily, nor was being interrupted by a crying baby on this night. They took their time; they had all the time in the world.

* * *

><p><em>AN: Sorry for the delay! I lost my motivation there for a bit. Then I downloaded the Rose Ave. album and all was right in my writing world again. Anyway...one more chapter for this story, I think. :)  
><em>

_Someone PM'ed me and said I should mention that the voting is now open for the 2014 Profiler's Choice Awards. You can find information about that in the fanfiction forums. _


	27. Chapter 27

JJ sat with Vivienne on her lap, making silly faces and laughing every time Vivienne laughed. They were at JJ's house, in the backyard, enjoying the evening summer air. "So, your mom is coming for a visit tomorrow?" asked JJ.

Emily was flat in her response. "That's the plan."

"Tell me how you really feel, Emily," responded JJ with smirk.

Emily laughed. "I've seen my mom three times in the last decade or so. There's a reason for that. One time was when I was with the BAU and she wanted our help, one time was for my dad's funeral, and one time was an obligatory lunch in London when I was working there while she was there. We are oil and water."

JJ looked at Emily before turning back and smiling at the baby in her lap. In a sing-song voice with her eyes on Vivienne, she responded, "Yes, but those visits you didn't have Viv, the great neutralizer. I've got a good feeling about tomorrow, Em. If your mother doesn't melt the second she sees Vivienne, I might just shoot her."

Emily laughed and JJ joined in, which caused Viviene to flail her arms and laugh as well. Emily regarded her friend, whose eyes were still on Vivienne's, blue on blue; they actually shared a similar shade of eyes, Vivienne's only looked different against her dark lashes and creamy brown skin. Emily took a breath and asked JJ a question that she'd been wondering about for the past five weeks.

"How come you didn't drink at our wedding, JJ?"

JJ looked at Emily and smiled before glancing at Henry where he was playing on the grass. "Ten weeks. We're just not telling anyone else for a couple more weeks."

Emily stood up and hugged JJ. "I knew it! Congratulations!"

JJ laughed and smiled, which got Vivienne going again. "Thank you. I'm just excited that Viv and this baby are going to be pretty close in age. Maybe I can recruit Fran into doing double nanny duty."

"I'm sure Fran would do it. Just imagine Rossi's house being turned into a daycare," Emily laughed as she sat back down.

"I can't think of anything that David Rossi would welcome more, can you Viv?" JJ asked while grinning at the baby. She turned to look at Emily. "That man has 'Grandpa' written all over him and you really need to stop referring to him as Rossi, at least in front of Vivienne."

"Sure. I'll let you have that conversation with Derek."

JJ grinned at Emily. "I will."

"Speaking of Derek, how long does it take him and Will to pick up a couple of pizzas?"

"Ten minutes to drive there, thirty minutes to have a beer and watch whatever sport is on the TV, another ten minutes to drive home. And Viv needs to be changed. As much as I love you, I've got approximately thirty more weeks before I have to deal with diapers again, so I'm going to let you have this one."

Emily laughed and stood to pick up Vivienne. She put the baby in one arm and gently placed a hand on JJ's shoulder before walking back into the house. "The last time I said this, I sounded like a drunk sailor, so I'll say it again. Thank you for being my, friend, JJ."

JJ placed her hand over Emily's and smiled. "Thanks for being mine."

* * *

><p>The visit with her mom went better than Emily could have imagined. Elizabeth Prentiss had met Derek before, over seven years ago, when her mom needed help from the BAU. Derek happened to be holding Vivienne when Elizabeth rang their bell and just moments after she'd given Emily a hug that was a little better than stiff, Derek placed Viv in her arms. And Elizabeth Prentiss melted, as much as Elizabeth was capable of melting.<p>

They actually had a nice visit for a few hours, and Emily's mom never let go of the baby. She asked a lot about the birth mother and was surprised when Emily told her about Sandra, about Sandra's life and how they were trying to help her.

"I don't know, Emily. It seems a little much, like you're crossing a line somehow. She gave up the baby. Wouldn't it be better to move on?"

Emily wasn't as taken aback by the words as Derek was. Though they were straightforward, they weren't delivered with her mother's usual judgment. They were said for the most part in curiosity.

"Actually, it's working out well for us," said Emily with a smile. "We want Vivienne to know Sandra and Sandra is turning her life around. We sent off an email with pictures at the beginning of July and Sandra responded with a picture of a print out for her placement testing dates at Mt. Hood Community College. We're going forward and growing together. I wouldn't ever want to let Sandra go and move on. She means a lot to us."

Elizabeth stared at her for a few seconds before looking back at Vivienne. And then, to Emily's surprise, she smiled perhaps the warmest smile she'd ever seen on her mom's face. "Well, you do things differently than I would, but your results are good, so I'll not say anything about it again."

And Vivienne smiled at her grandmother and laughed.

* * *

><p>When they'd sent the initial email at the beginning of July to Sandra, they had in their head that they might not hear from Sandra again until October. They held up their end of the bargain by not pressing things and letting Sandra be independent. They knew that things were going well at the house; the owner reported that the rent checks had come on time at the beginning of July and August and that there had been no trouble at all.<p>

But a week after her mom's visit, Emily got a surprise email from Sandra. The message was short: "Who knew?" But the attached image was a scanned copy of Sandra's English placement test results, where she'd qualified for an honors 1A class. On the bottom of that page was a note. "Just taking two classes this quarter - this English class and a history class that will fit around my work schedule. Got financial aid. Off food stamps!"

Emily cried happy tears when she read the message and sent off a quick congratulatory email. She grabbed Vivienne and bypassed going to Fernando's that afternoon. Instead, she drove back to Quantico to tell Derek and Penelope the good news in person.

After that, the emails from Sandra started coming with more regularity. She shared her papers and her grades, and Emily and Derek shared pictures and stories about Vivienne.

At the beginning of October, when Vivienne was six months old and could sit up and was a joy to be around by everyone who saw her, when Derek had started referring to Rossi as "Papa" around Vivienne, when Fran was happier than Derek had ever seen her in over three decades, Sandra emailed again. She asked opinions about a history paper, which she'd attached, and Emily had forwarded it to Spencer.

Two weeks later, Sandra emailed Emily. "Well, I got the highest grade in my class on the history paper. I already thanked Spencer for the advice. My teacher said it was a little overkill. Spencer is no joke. I barely slept writing that paper because I didn't want to let him down!"

They didn't make it a year before they saw Sandra. There was just too much good to wait that long, and Sandra's emails after October started being a little more curious about Vivienne. It wasn't that Sandra wanted Vivienne back, or had any misgivings about Viv being with Derek and Emily. She just was much more interested in the things Vivienne was doing the more she got her own life in order. Sandra was proud of herself and ready to see the baby she'd given birth to.

The second week in December, when Sandra emailed Emily and Derek a copy of her final grades, A's in both classes, and her full-time schedule for the following semester, Emily turned to look at Derek. "It's time," she said.

And Derek agreed.

They flew out the weekend before Christmas, passing their eight-month-old daughter back and forth to keep her entertained on the flight. They packed a suitcase of gifts: A few carefully framed pictures, a few articles of clothing for Sandra, Michael and Alexis, some things for their house, and gift cards to local restaurants and grocery stores. That suitcase ended up being secondary to the gifts they received upon landing.

When they came out of the gate area and into the main portion of the airport, there was a young woman standing there they barely recognized. The hair was longer, she was completely clean, her clothing was edgy but fashionable. And she had the biggest and brightest smile on her face that Emily and Derek had ever seen on another human being.

Sandra didn't gravitate towards just Vivienne; her scope was for the three of them. Emily walked next to Derek with Vivienne in her arms, and as soon as they entered the waiting area, Sandra flew towards them and her arms were around all three of them in seconds. They laughed and smiled together.

Sandra directed her gaze towards Vivienne. "Hi, Vivienne," said Sandra with happy tears in her eyes. "I'm Sandra, and I'm very happy you and your Mommy and Daddy are here!" Vivienne grinned and gave one of her patented, gurgled laughs.

When they were in baggage claim, Sandra held Vivienne a little bit away from them. Derek put an arm around Emily and kissed her cheek.

Emily smiled. "I love our family, Derek. And I love you."

Derek pressed a kiss to the scar on her forehead again, something he did with frequency whenever anything remarkable occurred. "I have no words," he whispered.

And Emily knew what he meant. Their lives now were something almost impossible to encompass with words. Maybe that was the case for every person on the planet who lived absolutely true and pure lives. When one has nothing they are covering or masking, when one's life is an open book, and he or she is operating daily at the core of themselves, there really weren't words for anything that happened that surpassed their expectations.

Emily glanced back towards Sandra and Vivienne and smiled. She looked at Derek again and placed a hand on his cheek. "No words are necessary when we're living our truth."

* * *

><p><em>AN: Finite! Loved writing this one, despite the craziness of my life the past couple of weeks.  
><em>

_My dad is acting so normal at home, but his outcome is not favorable; his brain tumor is virtually untreatable given his other health issues. I'm sad, but thankful for every day he has with us. _

_I've got a new job starting at the beginning of January! _

_And...I miss Serena! So I'm taking it back to that universe with my next story, though it's requiring some research. Still, I've written about half of the first chapter for that one, so you might get surprised in the next 24 hours. _

_Thank you all for the reviews and support. Love it! You're great. :)_


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